Long Overdue (and not with a baby)

Well this entry is LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG overdue. As I sat down to try to sort out where to start and what to say, I realised I have quite a bit to say so this might be the first update of many.

I think I will do it in bullet lists to help make things a bit easier to understand:

* I recovered from my surgery quite well. No other complications (except scars that look like division signs).

* I found it surprisingly easy to come to terms with what the Doctor said about my future chances (30%).

* I was coping quite well, until we got a depressing letter a few days before Christmas that made things sound A LOT more bleak. I do believe the number 10% was used. It was awful to get right before an already difficult holiday, and put a different “spin” on how Chris and I celebrated the holidays.

* We finally got a new appointment for the end of January (this was an URGENT appointment made 2 months later – welcome to the NHS system). The Doctor was very nice and said I would need further surgery and a bit more serious. At the end of the day, my chances to conceive naturally are just as good as IVF (to me that is hopeful). They said to call in 10 days after the appointment to find out when the surgery was… now over a month later… we are still waiting (nearly 2 whole years since the whole process started – you’d think 2 months wouldn't make a huge difference – BUT IT DOES!)

I have so many things that I want to talk about, complain about, and be thankful about – but it is late, so that will have to wait.

I continue to be amazed at the support I get from dear friends and family. Thank you… your comments are not ever read without a tear in my eye and a prayer of thanks in my heart.

More later… and be prepared, BOY do I have some complaints to get off my chest!

P.S. I just added the option to "follow me" - because I post so irregularly it might help you to know what I actually write.

Argh

So, now that offending parties have been taken off I can moan to my hearts content.

My sister in law is where I will start. She is very jealous that we have become friendly with the family again. She said to Jamie "ever since you found out you can't have children, you seem to be there all the time". How insensitive can you be! I never expected this out of her mouth. I guess I know how she really feels now. That's one more person off my list of people to like.

The next person is a member of our branch who seems to think that church is a place to have a break from her kids. Newsflash: if you want a break from the kids - keep your legs shut, use contraception, give them away. Anything so you don't have them. I want to slap her every time she opens her trap. You've had the kids, you deal with what comes of that. Yet another off my list of people to like.

That is all I have for the moment. I make no apologies for what I have written

The Facts

I am thankful for all the prayers, happy thoughts, and support shown to me.

I am still recovering from the surgery, so this post will be basic – I will write the whole story soon!

The surgery was fine – it went off without a problem.

The doctor found stage 4 Endometriosis (the worst stage).

One tube was blocked, the other one he couldn't see.

The endo is so bad that the bowels are now pressing into my uterus.

To even try to fix it, it will take more surgery with another specialist.

After surgery the chances of me getting pregnant naturally is, at best, 30%

My doctor has put through an “urgent” referral to the next doctor and I should have an appointment date within 2-3 weeks.

I am in shock – it is not what I expected or could have prepared myself for.

I am trying to figure out how to live in a world full of children, knowing that I will probably never have one naturally.

I am healing well and will write more later.

D-Day

Well tomorrow is the big day and to say that I am nervous is an understatement. 

Up until today I was/am nervous JUST about the surgery.  It is my first surgery and being in England, away from home, it makes it that little bit more nerve-wracking.  My in-laws are taking me to the hospital and luckily it seems like a clean hospital.  Chris will be there as well and although I wish it were MY parents – I am thankful for the support that I have right now from them.

I get quite bitter when I really stop to think about it.  I think it is a mixture of nervousness/anxiety about the whole thing.  I think it is also that I have  several friends who have just had babies.  I think, as I clean up the house, get new pj’s and bathrobe, and get the loose ends tied up for work and church etc – this is how it would be if I was having a baby – and yet, this is all because I cant have a baby and when I think like that, the whole situation becomes horribly unfair.

Up until today I have been focused on the surgery and not at all preparing myself for AFTER the surgery – the results.  It’s finally hitting me – this could be the end of having a baby naturally.  Yes, we’ll move onto IVF next, but, I don't know why, it never crossed my mind that there could be something wrong.

It sounds silly doesn't it?  I am going in for surgery to see if something is wrong and I haven't let myself think that there might be.  Maybe it is self preservation of sorts – maybe if I had been thinking of it more, the surgery would be more difficult.

But I cant help thinking now, what if they find something wrong?  What if tomorrow I find out that my dream of creating and having a natural pregnancy wont happen?

And I know, you are all thinking – you still have IVF, adoption, IUI… but it just isn't the same is it? 

And that thought…. that scares me more than anything else that is happening tomorrow.

I Will Miss the English Autumn

One thing I very, VERY quickly learned was that it is AUTUMN not FALL.  Half  of the English people had no idea what I was talking about, and the other have promptly corrected me.  It does sound a bit nicer anyway doesn't it?  Anyway, while an English autumn has nothing on Utah’s autumn – it is still unique and lovely in its own special way.  The leaves still change colours, and are still just as vibrant colours – but in the area where I live – there aren't many trees… at all.  This means I get to travel to get my autumn “fix”. 
You can tell that its autumn in England because the cold stops being “pleasant” and becomes a biting cold – all within a day or so, never to become pleasant again for a long, LONG time.  You see people walking around with layers and layers of clothes and out come the scarves, gloves, hats, coats, etc.  Also, once the time change comes along it gets dark around 4 (even earlier, deeper into the winter) and most afternoons and mornings the town is covered in a fog/mist that just adds to the autumnal feeling. 
But here in England, besides the change in wardrobe – few things change.  Parents still take their kids to the park, walk to the market, and enjoy being outside – cloudy or not (FREEZING or not) and I love that!
Here are some pictures from my English Autumn.  Enjoy!
Thetford Forrest:

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Tilney Church:

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Sandringham:

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So It Starts

Hello Dear Friends. I think it is about time I updated this blog. Not too much has been happening in the last few months on the baby path. But, now that its November things will start going.

Tomorrow I go to the hospital for my pre-surgery check up. It is a general health check (I think!) Luckily I wont be having the surgery at Peterborough District (it is sooooo messy and dirty there) – it will be at Stamford, which is outside of Peterborough. I am starting to get more and more nervous as the time gets closer. It is my first ever surgery and although I am quite blessed that there aren't many possible complications – but, I still worry. Chris will be there with me and so will Pam, my mother-in-law. The only thing missing is my mom.

The surgery is called the lap and dye. What they do is make an incision in the right side of my abdomen, in my belly button (my BIGGEST fear – it makes me sick to think about), and then they insert the dye through my cervix. They will go in there with a camera and see if the ink goes through my fallopian tubes. They are also going to look to see if I have endometriosis – and if it isn't too bad they’ll get rid of it, if it is bad I’ll have to have more surgery.

I haven't even met the Doctor who is going to be performing the surgery (that makes me nervous as well). I have been working with the fertility nurse and haven't needed to see him so I don't know what to expect at all.

The most common side effect is shoulder pain. Strange hu?? Apparently when the pump my abdomen full of gas (so they can get a better view) sometimes it affects the diaphragm which has a nerve that is connected to the shoulder, which in turn causes horrible shoulder pain.

It is an outpatient surgery and hopefully I will be feeling good within a few days. I am not supposed to work for a week and cant lift anything heavy.

This will get me closer to the answer of the question: can I have a baby naturally or not? If the tubes are blocked then IVF is the next option. I am hoping that at least I get some answers so we know what way to go.

If my tubes are blocked then we are eligible to have a FREE IVF on the NHS (assuming that my weight wont hold me back – they are quite picky about letting overweight women have IVF – not cost effective apparently). If we do get IFV then we’ll do that while I am here in England, despite the fact that I might end up pregnant when I get to America (minus health insurance). We’ll just have to see how it goes.

Anyway, the surgery is on the 26th (Happy Thanksgiving!!). I am hoping that I don't stress out too much before then and that everything goes fine. If anything of note happens tomorrow at the Dr. I will post more.

In the meantime…. just thought you might find some facts about my Fertile Facebook Friends interesting:

29 of them (or their wives) are currently pregnant and within the last year 33 babies were born to my friends….. I guess you can tell I struggle with infertility – not many people would even notice.

What’s Been Going On?!?!

That is what you are probably wondering about me right?  What’s been going on?  Well, I thought, not a lot – until I tired to figure out what to write about and it turns out there is a bit more… so here goes… in list form.
*  I got a new calling at church… Primary President – yes, I know this childless woman is now Primary President.  Luckily there are only 9 Primary age children in the branch so I am starting off easy… although, after this first month I can said with quiet confidence that it might be easier to teach 50 rather than the 2 – 4 that usually attend.  It is taking some getting used to, but I do like it and even if I hated it, it will only be for about 8 months.  It is FORCING me to get organized, and it is worth it just for that.
*  The time is ticking down for my return to America.  We are stuck on our application from lack of money but, the reality is, I will be home in a little over 8 months.  Things have been going so well with it and we are just trying to save and earn.  I am sure it is going to go fast… and I keep saying to myself, as I go about life, “this is the last time I’ll do this in England…”
*  My weight loss is still continuing.  After a slow down for a bit, I am back on track and also right on track to reach my final goal.  I am only loosing about 1 – 2 lbs. per week, but I am assured that, that is the healthy way to do things.  I can wear clothes I haven't worn since I moved to England, barely fit in my jeans (in a good way), and finally fit back into my wedding ring.  It is hard work, but I think I am finally starting to get that exercise and eating right is just “life” not a change that I have to make, because I’ve made it now and just have to keep going.
*  It was my birthday on Saturday.  It was a good day (and my last one in England).  I was woken up by Chris with breakfast in bed, my mom (like always) had made sure I had a little something to open, we went out to lunch, and then since Chris took the day off – we just relaxed.  Chris treated me very well and it was a good day.  I hate to think of the reality that this my last year in my 20’s – and always get disappointed at how little I’ve done in the last year… but, am looking forward to the changes the next year will bring.
*  I still am kind of working babysitting twins up the road.  They are lovely children and really well behaved.  It is good money and a great job, but I am now looking for something a little more steady so that we can up our savings.  Wish me luck!!
*  I have surgery scheduled on the 26th (Happy Thanksgiving to me!) for infertility exploration.  While, I am not very public about my infertility struggle on this blog… it is a huge step towards finding out what is wrong and fills my thoughts constantly.  I will write more about everything on my other blog sometime in the near future.  (If you want an invite let me know).
*  The car is broken again…. so frustrating!  We ran out of petrol yesterday in a huge rainstorm on the way to church.  Luckily our sister in law, Becca, rescued us.  We were super late for church and Chris was soaked, but at least we made it back home, after church… barely. 
So that is all…. more than I thought.  I will update more regularly and I am also going to post some old stories I wrote that I found the other day.  Hope you all have a great week!

Scales and Exercise and Discouragement.. Oh MY!

Hello My Few Faithful (Lovely) Readers.  I have been a little bit slow at posting an update but here goes…
As far as weight loss:  Well, I have fallen off the wagon in the past few weeks, not only fallen off but have been run over and trampled on by the horses that pull the wagon.  Lets just say between migraines, MASSIVE blisters, cramps, discouragement… I could go on and on – my momentum has suffered.  I actually even weighted myself one week and had gained (not a great week).  But, I feel like I have finally managed to pick myself off the ground, dust myself off and really just get on with it.  I am quickly realizing that this is a “lifestyle”, not something I will be able to stop once I reach a goal weight or “get the hang of it”. That commitment has always been there but now I am finally getting it.
I was watching a show on TV called “My Big Fat Cycle Challenge” where there were 3 women who were going to be trained by the coach that helped win Britain their gold medal in cycling.  It was very interesting and the coach said something that shocked me.  All my adult life while I’ve been dieting or eating healthy, everything and everyone has told me that: if I eat the right things at the right times I wont be hungry.  But, that is where one of my biggest frustrations come in – I can eat all the right things and I am STILL HUNGRY!  So, I think, I must be doing something wrong!  This coach, this man who has degrees and gold medals told these overweight women who were working on getting healthy, “YOU WILL BE HUNGRY.  You are changing you life and you will be hungry it is part of it – get used to it.”  Thank goodness for that sentence.  It has finally given me “permission” to be hungry and not beat myself up if I am. 
So the healthy lifestyle moves on – slower than at first, but at least I am moving forward – that in itself is an accomplishment to me.

There Was This One Time When I Nearly Burned the Apartment Down…

Alright, so I tend to do pretty stupid stuff a lot of the time. I think I used to do it more often when I was single – but lately I have been making up for it. Take the other night for instance….
I was getting ready to make a really nice dinner of lasagne. I had turned on the burner to boil some water and left it. I went into the other room to watch my riveting “Civil War” documentary (and no, that riveting wasn't sarcastic – it really is). Sometimes when there is water on the bottom of the pan it pops a bit as the burner gets hot. I started to hear some “pops” and thought nothing of it and continued to watch TV.
Several minutes later I was still hearing those “pops” and I thought that it was strange, but then thought to myself, I don't want to miss the show and I’ll check on it at the next commercial. I finally went into the kitchen to see what the problem was…..
As I walked into the kitchen it was filled with smoke. It took me a minute to figure out what was going on. I realized that when I turned on the stove…. wait, let me explain a bit – in England you turn on the power to the appliance through a switch AND the actual appliance once that switch is on. This is great for saving electricity – anyway, I noticed that I must have had BOTH burners on the last time I used the stove and then just turned the power off at the switch, forgetting to actually turn off the power on the stove. So when I turned it on BOTH of them started to heat up, which would be fine… if, I didn't put the mince (hamburger) on the other burner.
The rancid smell of plastic and mince, oh and SMOKE, filled the whole kitchen – the whole apartment for that matter – and I just yelled for Chris. As he came in we just laughed – you’d think after living here for 3+ years I would get how things work.
You’d think that was the end of the story and that I would be very careful about the stove, wouldn't you? Well the same thing happened the other day – and continues to happen – needless to say Chris has to follow me around “just to make sure”.

What I’ll Miss – English Summer

Although I am still quite far from actually coming home to America, I have noticed a change in my thinking since we got the first paperwork back.

There are a lot of things I am going to miss. Shocking, I know!

I have found myself saying, “This is the last time ____________.”

So, I think I will start writing about them, just so I can remember them and then, when I am really homesick, I can read back and remember what I loved – and there really are a lot of things.

Today though, I will miss the English Summer – something I NEVER thought I’d say. I wont miss the heat or humidity – but I will miss the seaside, the long hours of daylight, and the “holiday mentality”.

I love the seaside, if you’ve read my blog at all the last few years – you’ll know that. I love that it is like a time warp once you hit the seaside. You have the old fashioned beach chairs, .99 ice cream, kids running around – soaking wet in clothes, swimming costumes, undies, and sometimes nothing – and you know what, no one cares! They are at the beach!! On nice days (which are few and far between most summers) the beaches are packed – even if the beach is dirty or rocky – no one cares they just congregate to the beach.

The children here in England only have a summer vacation of 6 weeks and they use all that time enjoying the sun. The sun rises around 4:30 AM and it is still light around 10:30 PM. It leaves LOTS of time for people to get out and enjoy themselves – the English are great at BBQing.

The English love their holidays. They save up for them through the year and often go to hotter places like Greece or Spain. I love that this country takes time to relax an enjoy each others company. I think America should defiantly follow England's lead – I think it makes for a happier people.

I will miss the English Summer.