Its a First!

I am proud to say that yesterday I had a panic attack.... I've never had one before so I didnt know what was going on at first, but... I had one, and in hind-sight for the stupidest reason...

I had a job interview yesterday at a prominent LDS bookstore for evening work (I have to fill my time with something - and if the "something" involves money - sign me up!).  I was sitting in the waiting area because, true to form I was 30 minutes early.  I sat and watched people leave the elevators to go home from work and I also had a great view to "people watch" those eating in the food court.  As people filtered by me I started to take notice of their left ring finger for wedding bands...  several girls walked by without wedding bands - but EVERY man that walked by had a wedding ring on his hand.  EVERY ONE!  That is when the panic came...  Now, people reading this entry who live outside of Utah wont completely understand this but I started to freak out thinking - "What if I never get married, what if I had my chance and I ruined it..."  And then came the pounding heart and sweaty palms (not good for that first impression handshake, by the way) and I started to breathe really REALLY fast and all I could think about was that I was going to be the extremely obese woman eating her pizza in the corner - ALONE!  I tried to get my mind off it and not look at the rings - but they were taunting me...  and in my panic and confusion - it was my turn to go in for the interview...  First Question:  "Why do you want to work here?" and in my head I thought "I dont know if I do - I'll drive myself crazier than I already am!!!"

I made it through the interview with little or no incident....

I got home that night and really needed to take a nice relaxing bath so I got all settled and a HUGE brown spider crawled out of the water plugger (I dont know what it is called, you know the thing you push up or down to stop or let the water drain?) And in one sweeping motion I got up and a huge wave caught the spider and dropped it right into a cup I had at the side of the tub. Sweet hu?  Then I stayed there and for a good 10 minutes watched the spider struggle to get out and slowly die... and then of course I had to get out of the tub because I kept thinking spiders were crawling all over me....

And then I thought I guess there are worse things then not getting married.... like having spiders crawling all over you... now there is a reason to have a panic attack!

The Longest Day... Ever...

Two seperate entries in one day?  How do I rate...  I am just sitting here at work.  I have looked up everything on the internet that I can possibly think of (or get away with) and have played, I would say, upwards of 1,000,000,000,000 games of Solitaire and believe it or not listened to Accuradio and started hearing the comedy tracks I was listening to - over again, and Accuradio has a HUGE playlist....  I didnt have anyone to go to lunch with so I sat here through my lunch and also no one to chat with (all my attempts failed).  So I am listening to music and I started thinking about yesterday I was driving home from work (dying in my car without air conditioning) and trying to find at least ONE song on the radio that didnt have to do with love, happines, kissing, joy, ANYTHING and I got onto a song that sounded good - for one second.  It was the Backstreet Boys song:  "Incomplete".  First of all what are they trying to do with that song?  Cause already sad people around the world to jump or drive off the road?  It made me angry (I am becoming very good at that)... what is this song teaching young girls - I would bet most young guys arent listening to the song - it is teaching them that alone they are nothing but when they have a man in their life they are suddenly complete - nevermind about being a complete person without a man - it isnt possible.... how awful!  And second the song is about a boy that is keeping a girl hanging on because HE just cant let her go - LAME (and very true in most cases)  Maybe if there were more - I am good alone songs - in this world we would have so many problems... maybe if we had more positive songs I wouldnt have dated the wrong person for 7 years and let him make me think I was incomplete without him, although he was quite complete without me.... So I say turn off those silly, stupid, disheartening love songs....  Women - we are quite complete without men in our lives - they can enrich our lives in some cases, lucky cases - but if we never find our "better" half we need to know that we can do it ourselves and we need no one but ourselves to make us happy.... so make a song out of that Backstreet Boys!!!

Ohhhh I get to go now.... ranting passes time just perfectly... off to a job interview... 

525,600 Minutes... How do you Measure a Year?

Most people choose to think about the events of the last year on an important date, you know, New Years, Birthdays (themselves or their children), Christmas... ohhhh not me - I choose to break tradition and ponder on the dealings of last year on July 19th.  The date actually does means something to me, it was the time I first ever met or chatted with Chris.  As I sat and read the conversation we had a year ago - I got to thinking about how much our relationship had changed in a year and then I thought - what else has happened.... thus the post.

I decided to make a list to start with of things that have happened for me from July to July:

Trips I've Taken: 4

Times I've Twisted my Ankle: 2 

Weddings I've Attended (happily or otherwise): 4 

Babies Born (not mine!!!!): 3

Engagements (my own): 1

Break-ups (my own): 1

Therapists: 2

Different Kinds of Churches Attended (other than LDS): 3

Deaths: 1

Musicals I've Seen:  12 - that I can remember...

So then, at the rate of sounding like a real "RENThead", How do you measure a year?  Should I measure mine in heartache or happiness, love lost or love gained, trips or musicals?

I cant believe it's been a year since I first talked with Chris...      

Just a Random Thought....

"The greatest tragedy in life is not death.... the greatest tragedy in life, is a life lived without purpose."

Here's hoping we can all live a life with purpose, whatever we feel that may be - no matter our circumstances and regardless of our trials...

Land of Milk and Honey? This Time I'll agree...

I cant count how many times I've had a "playful" argument with my lovely English friends about which country is better - England or America.  Although I am deeply devoted to America and wouldnt trade my homeland for anything... I find myself, most of the time, eventually agreeing with my foe about the better points of England.  It is true, one of my first loves is, and always will be - England.  True... especially in the last year, I have found I have a lot vested in that great land besides my admiration for the landscapes and culture ;) ... 

When I visited England in Aug. of 2001 I was in constant awe of the beauty of the area, the richness of personality in the people who live there, and the overall feeling I got when walking down the streets.  I stood on the streets of Hull watching the firework show for the celebration of the "Tall Ships" and cried.... sappy I know, but very true.  My ancestors stood on that very land and left it behind for their beliefs - for me.  I've often wondered if that is why I have been so driven to spend my time there -- England is my history and has the potential to be my future -- all at once!

Yesterday when I turned on the news - after being alerted by my concerned friend - my heart sunk as I watched the images and the scene played out on my television screen.  I can honestly say I was more affected by this than 9/11, and that says a lot.  Maybe it is because of the extreme fear that filled me when I realized that someone I care about more than anything - could be affected, maybe it is because I was seeing a land and place I love so much in turmoil... I think it is a mixture of all of that and more.

In truth, every time I see pictures or hear stories about what happened my heart breaks just a little more, and that is hard considering how much it was already broken - but I know the English people, and I know that they will be just fine... 

Everything will be just fine....    

You know...

You know that feeling right after you smash your finger or get a paper cut?  Yeah ... its like that only a million times worse and it lasts longer...