An Update and a Bit of a Vent

Hello Dear Friends. Are you still even checking this blog? Well, maybe this will just be for me and Chris (possibly the only 2 still reading).

There are a few reasons I haven't updated lately. One of the main ones is because there isn't too much to update on - we are in a limbo of sorts and so, stuck in this holding pattern, there aren't many changes.

As far as my healing and recovery go - things are back to normal for the most part. The incision has completely healed and has left a LONG scar along my tummy, but the width of the scar is like a line drawn with a pencil. The surgeon was very good at cleaning up his mess! I am not having any side effects anymore and am back to full activity. Sometimes I find it really hard to believe that is was only a few short months ago that I was so poorly, but I count my blessings that as bad as it was then, I am completely better now.

Along with the happiness of the full healing process, comes the complete frustration that nothing has changed at all. You'd think without one ovary, I'd have a least half of the cramps - but nope - they are still as bad as ever. I was under the impression that getting the Endo taken care of, it would solve those issues as well, but my doctor has informed me that, that is not the case at all. It is very frustrating! It usually brings me to tears every month thinking not only am I not getting pregnant, but I still have to suffer - so what was the surgery for anyway?!?!

As of now Chris and I are under instruction from the Consultant, Dr. R, to keep trying and see what happens. If nothing happens by Feb. then it is back to the Dr. M (the GP) to get a new referral to see Dr. R again - and move on from there.

Most of the time I am okay with the way things are headed with infertility. Most of the time I feel okay with the prospect that kids might not be in the picture. With so many other stresses in my life at the moment, I am ashamed to say, sometimes the infertility is the least of my worries. But then, of course, there are times where the pain of what I am going through cuts like a knife. I have eliminated most of my friends on Facebook that constantly complain about their kids (don't worry no one reading this is one of them) and now have taken to even hiding people who are constantly posting quotes or status updates about how "you've never known love until you're a mother." I know, I know it is a bit petty, but for me, it is what I have to do. It makes me feel like less of a wife, daughter, sister, and woman thinking to myself, "I must not love as much as I am capable because I don't have children."

As for life in general I am trying to put me first. It isn't easy at all. I am trying to get rid of the things in my life that cause me unneeded stress and heartache. This has, of course, made me re-evaluate a lot of things. Just the other day, a "friend" got me so sad that I had to stop myself and made a decision to eliminate that person from my thinking and life, for now.

I think of all that I have gone through in the last 3 years with regards to fertility and sometimes I am amazed at what Chris and I have dealt with and come through - and other times I am so saddened by the lack of support from family, friends and even strangers. I had a friend who came all the way from Utah to England and couldn't even pick up a phone to call me while she was here. Recently one of Chris' friends (who added me on Facebook) made me crack. She had a miscarriage and had fallen pregnant with her 2nd child very soon after. She complained 10+ times a day about how horrible pregnancy was and, "WHY did I do this to myself!!!!" When she had a very healthy baby she continued complaining about the baby - even going so far as to say, she hated him. I finally broke down and wrote to her (very nicely - not wanting to cause problems or hurt feelings) that, "I know how hard newborns can be, but maybe she should look at the positive - and remember there are women out there that would love to deal with what she was dealing with." I was then attacked by her and her friends because I said it and must not have any idea what she was going through because of my "unfortunate situation". My friends on Facebook who read my updates know more than my In-Laws (because they never ask) and the other day I signed up for a LDS infertility support group and, because I am not in Utah, no one has even bothered to say anything to me (but have to everyone else who has signed up at the same time). I cant wait to get home to Utah and spend some time with the people who HAVE supported me. Sometimes it just all gets on top of me.

I think what it comes down to is, I think about my infertility on a daily basis, and I suppose it affects me more than I think it does. But it is a process - I know of women who have been trying for 10+ years and still have sadness over it. I guess it is a matter of clearing my life of the things that don't make me happy and filling it with things that will fulfill me - no matter what happens with the infertility. I just keep praying I can deal with it - and not let it ruin me.

The Countdown Begins

Hello Friends…

Well, even though it has only been since November that I had my last surgery, I had completely forgotten how nervous I got beforehand.  I will be having my surgery next Tuesday and I am starting to get pretty nervous!

Next Monday I have to suffer through the unpleasantness that is “Bowel Prep” (I wont be sharing too many details about that!)  I have to be at the hospital by 7:30 – that is, if they have a bed.  I have to call an hour before hand to make sure there is a bed for me.  Chris got the day off (thanks to a co-worker who is going to work his shift for him that day).  He has the next day off too – and hey, lucky me I have a ride to the hospital!!  I made it quite clear to the nurse at the pre-op appointment that I got really sick after I woke up last time, so she is going to make sure that I get the meds to help that BEFORE the surgery, not an hour or so after.  Also, I have asked for some fluids in my IV after the surgery so I don't feel so dehydrated and get such a bad headache.  I am hoping these things coupled with prayers, blessings, good doctors, and SMALL incisions will have me sleeping safely in my own bed the night of my surgery.  Of course, I think I need to prepare that I  might have to stay the night – but I am trying to be positive! 

I am encouraged by the statistics I’ve found online for conceiving after the surgery.  Granted, they aren't TOO high, but they are much more positive than I was thinking when we got the dreaded letter at Christmas.

Since May 6th, 2007 we have been working with various doctors to “fix” me.  Thinking back I was so desperate to have answers.  When I finally got those answers they were not at all what I thought they would be, and they stirred up emotions that I wasn't prepared for. 

Some days I want to shout it out from the roof-tops, “I struggle with infertility!  Please be patient with me!!”  I want to explain to everyone why I avoid the “baby section” of the shops, why, at family parties, I “tune out” or walk away.  Why I cant watch a show with a baby born in it without shedding a few tears.  But, other times I just want to lay in bed and keep it to myself.  Often I have wondered what I did to deserve it?  Why things are so unfair!  But most days, I don't do either – I get up in my one-bedroom apartment and cope.  You’d be surprised at how many things you have to “cope” with when you are struggling.   I get reminders constantly that I don't have children, and at the end of the day it isn't so much what I am missing out on – but what Chris is, what my parents are, what my family is missing out on – and that is when I break down.  But, I keep going, and have for 3 years with the hope of a solution.  I realize that this surgery may not provide my broken body with a way to carry a child, but if it doesn't, then I continue to hope – and just keep going.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love, prayers, and support.  They buoy me up when I feel down and they help me realize that Chris and I aren't alone.

Finally… a Date

Hello Lovely Friends! 

I just thought I would update on here that I finally have a date for my surgery.  They are going to do it on April 20th.

This surgery is to get rid of all the endometriosis that has spread through the womb, tubes, and bowels.  When I talked to the Dr. he said that they would try to go in as a lap (like they did before with 2 small incisions), but if the endo was too bad they would have to do “open surgery” and it would be as if I was having a C-Section.  I sure dont miss the irony in the fact that it will be like having a C-Section – I get the scar, just not the baby.

I am very nervous about it.  I will probably be in the hospital for a night at least.  I dread the hospital I am staying at.  It is dirty and dark and just pray that I will be safe (oh yeah, and that one of the very, VERY common “superbugs” that ALWAYS invade English hospitals skip this one on that day).

The other day we called Chris’ mom to see if she could take me to the hospital.  She said, she didn't know and that she would let me know later…  WHAT!??!?!  While I understand that she works, I also understand that she works right by the hospital at the same time I am supposed to be there.  What I don't understand is how she could even hesitate to take me when I am so far from home and it is such a major surgery (maybe I should remind her she might get another grandbaby out of this and if she is lucky one who is a boy so she’ll like it).  So Chris asked her the next day again and she said, yes she would take me as long as we went when SHE wanted to go.  I am trying to decide if it would be less hassle to just take the train.  I don't even dare ask her to bring me home – that might push her over the edge. 

The other day we were at her house and she was watching two of the grandkids (her choice by the way) and she walked past me and said, “KIDS who’d have them!!!” and walked away.  Things like that sting, and we only get it from family.  I had a sister in law who told me that, “J & P only spend time with you and are nice to you because they feel sorry for you.”  Who needs enemies!

And then, to top it all off, we found out Chris cant get any of the days that week off work.  They denied them all.  So I may just be having surgery by myself.  Getting the train there, having the surgery, and then the next day, getting the train back home.

Infertility is such a heartbreaking issue.  I read a sign on the wall of the doctors that said, “The only thing more painful then having a baby, is not having one.”  Chris is a huge support and so are my friends and family.  We skipped Mothers Day here in England and went away for the weekend – but just running away from it doesn't stop the pain. 

Hopefully this surgery will correct a lot of the issues that I have, and hopefully they wont have to remove any ovaries (they might if I start to bleed too much).

Any happy thoughts and prayers would go a very long way.

Hopefully I will update on here before I go in – and after reading this through, hopefully you can make sense out of the muddle!

Argh

So, now that offending parties have been taken off I can moan to my hearts content.

My sister in law is where I will start. She is very jealous that we have become friendly with the family again. She said to Jamie "ever since you found out you can't have children, you seem to be there all the time". How insensitive can you be! I never expected this out of her mouth. I guess I know how she really feels now. That's one more person off my list of people to like.

The next person is a member of our branch who seems to think that church is a place to have a break from her kids. Newsflash: if you want a break from the kids - keep your legs shut, use contraception, give them away. Anything so you don't have them. I want to slap her every time she opens her trap. You've had the kids, you deal with what comes of that. Yet another off my list of people to like.

That is all I have for the moment. I make no apologies for what I have written

D-Day

Well tomorrow is the big day and to say that I am nervous is an understatement. 

Up until today I was/am nervous JUST about the surgery.  It is my first surgery and being in England, away from home, it makes it that little bit more nerve-wracking.  My in-laws are taking me to the hospital and luckily it seems like a clean hospital.  Chris will be there as well and although I wish it were MY parents – I am thankful for the support that I have right now from them.

I get quite bitter when I really stop to think about it.  I think it is a mixture of nervousness/anxiety about the whole thing.  I think it is also that I have  several friends who have just had babies.  I think, as I clean up the house, get new pj’s and bathrobe, and get the loose ends tied up for work and church etc – this is how it would be if I was having a baby – and yet, this is all because I cant have a baby and when I think like that, the whole situation becomes horribly unfair.

Up until today I have been focused on the surgery and not at all preparing myself for AFTER the surgery – the results.  It’s finally hitting me – this could be the end of having a baby naturally.  Yes, we’ll move onto IVF next, but, I don't know why, it never crossed my mind that there could be something wrong.

It sounds silly doesn't it?  I am going in for surgery to see if something is wrong and I haven't let myself think that there might be.  Maybe it is self preservation of sorts – maybe if I had been thinking of it more, the surgery would be more difficult.

But I cant help thinking now, what if they find something wrong?  What if tomorrow I find out that my dream of creating and having a natural pregnancy wont happen?

And I know, you are all thinking – you still have IVF, adoption, IUI… but it just isn't the same is it? 

And that thought…. that scares me more than anything else that is happening tomorrow.

Moving Forward

Hello friends. I thought it was time for a little update, although there isn't much to report on.

I have finally gotten all of my blood tests done for my next appointment with Fiona (Fertility Nurse). It wasn't as many as I thought there would be. When we walked away from the Fiona’s office with a stack of tests I thought that I would be getting blood taken on a regular basis (which actually doesn’t bother me at all). But, I’ve only had to go and deal with the “Evil Blood Lady” twice, once last week when she tried my elbow for veins (NEVER have I gotten blood out of there without SEVERAL tries – even an ultrasound machine to find a vein once – I told her this and she tried anyway) and didn't get anything so she went to the spot on my left forearm that is always reliable. Yesterday she went straight to that spot - I don't know if she just didn't want to fight with me about “her knowing best” or if she just gave in – either way the blood tests are all done. Those tests have included my hormone levels and also my glucose levels and the one last week was for ovulation.

There are two more tests left to do – Chris’ sample on the 8th of July and the Chlamydia test.

Now a little commentary on the NHS and their cost saving methods. When I went in last week I also asked to book my Chlamydia screening. The receptionist promptly handed me an envelope for a “do it yourself” test. Now I have to stress out about that - doing it right and sending it away correctly – I think I might just have the nurse do it. I know the NHS is trying to save money but come on… are there not certain things that are better for the health professionals to do?

Anyway… we have another appointment with Fiona on the 28th of July. Thank goodness she fit us in then because if not we’d be waiting till the end of August while she is on holiday. Just another reason to feel confident with her – she genuinely seems interested in helping us.

While I was looking through my old pictures I came across this one:

This was taken years ago at a family reunion. I don't know when or where or even who that baby is, but I do know that it is my favourite picture of me with a child. There is nothing extraordinary about this picture and I have a fair few pictures with me holding or interacting with children, but this one goes right to my heart. Maybe it is the natural way I look, un-posed and comfortable – but in it I feel like I am seeing myself as a mother. It gives me something to look forward to, but also hurts my heart at the same time. Luckily we are moving forward and that gives me hope.

Like Taking a Bullet...

After reading about a friend's unexpected pregnancy and seeing this picture on their blog... I feel like I've just taken a bullet.

Just when I forget for a moment, I somehow find something to remind me.

Frustration

Boy! Chris doesn't write much on this web site, so you know when he does we are BOTH incredibly frustrated! I love when he writes something so that everyone knows that I am not dealing with this alone, and I am lucky enough to have a husband who is as passionate about it as me.

I realize on a daily basis as I read other women's blogs about all different kinds of infertility that I am not alone in my frustration. Some women take the words right out of my mouth as they post, some are so faithful and patient, and yet, we are all the same despite how we handle it - we are all frustrated.

Today I got out some pamphlets on adoption from the local council. Here in England if you go through the council you don't have to pay for adoption, in fact, you receive benefits for adopting. I was reading through the qualifications for adopting and found the following:

* You must be over 21 - check
* You need to be in reasonably good health - check
* A two year age gap between them and the other children at the home - check! No other kids to speak of!
* Live within one hour of Huntingdon or Cambridge - check (unfortunately)
* If you have been involved in infertility investigations or treatment, we would expect these to have been completed BEFORE any assessment was started - uhhhhhh what?!?!?

So in order to give a child a loving home out of the social services system you can be anyone who is in good health and over 21 EXCEPT someone who is struggling with infertility! Does this sound completely backwards to anyone else???

Then get this, it then reads:

Some criminal offences might prevent you from becoming an adoptive parent for example, if you have ever been convicted of a sexual, a violent act or any offence against a minor you man not be able to adopt. However, we are prepared to look at individual circumstances to establish if we can progress your interest further.

WHAT!?!?!? So even if you have been convicted of the above offenses YOU COULD STILL adopt - but if you are dealing with infertility - sorry!

Somehow it all seems twisted around - shouldn't those who are desperately trying for babies have first dibs?? Instead of a family fully able to have their own children, single, disabled, same sex, or unemployed??? Those are all people who can adopt - and although I have absolutely nothing against any of those groups adopting - shouldn't somewhere in the list be me?

I know adoption seems, to us, to be a far away option - but it would be nice to know it is an option - but unfortunately, here in England as far as adoption goes - people struggling with infertility are the only ones discriminated against.

Mothers Day - Part 1

No, I don't have enough things to write about to make 2 parts to my Mothers Day post, but I do have 2 Mothers Days (lucky me!). I think that if I had children, then the prospect of 2 Mothers Days would be quite good but I just dread them for now.

It is hard for people who haven't gone through infertility or know someone who has, to know how to handle it. It is a tricky situation - especially on days like this. I know I may sound ungrateful, and I don't mean to - but like I said I wont censor my thoughts, after all if I did what is the use of a place to share?

Luckily today only Sacrament meeting was themed on Motherhood. I understand that it would be silly to NOT honour mothers today, after all I have one of the very best and she deserves all that honour and more, and I realize that things shouldn't be "toned down" for that one woman in the congregation who cant have kids.

Back in Utah, on Mothers Day they often gave out gifts for the mothers. The way that they handled it was saying, "Would all women 18 and older stand and be appreciated." I felt awkward doing that when I was single, but at least there were other single women standing up and I knew I wasn't the only one.

Today was different. They didn't make any women stand up but they did have lovely flowers for the mothers. They said they'd like to give a flower to all the mothers. Where does that leave me? I know people don't know what to do. Before going through all of this, I wouldn't have even given it a second thought. But this wasn't recognising WOMEN it was just MOTHERS. The 18+ girls didn't get flowers, just the mothers... and me (I was the only one without children there - trust me, I looked).

To tell you the truth I didn't want one, and it wasn't so much rubbing salt in a gaping wound, it was more like me, being an impostor. I would have much rather been passed over, not recognized for what I lacked, but rather, not recognized at all. Does this sound horrible? Does it make sense?

After the lovely talks about mothers were finished and church was over, the last thing I wanted to do was carry around the flower - I made Chris. I know most of this is in my head, people aren't going to care if I get a flower or not - I get that. It doesn't change how I feel.

I just think for someone trying to have a baby, someone who desperately longs for a baby, someone who cant wait to make her own mother a grandma - this day, that is supposed to be full of joy and appreciation becomes slow and horrible torture.

It has been a hard day. Full of attention on my biggest failing.

To make matters worse, I got the defective flower, the one with only half a petal and I found that quite ironic.

So, you may be thinking - we cant win! I don't know what the solution is, maybe I would have felt just as bad had I not gotten a gift - but maybe, this next Mothers Day (for you Americans) look around - look for those women who are smiling but don't have any children to care for, those women who put on a brave face, those women who have tears in their eyes - and give them a smile or a hug and let them know, that you know how hard the day might be for them - and that Mother or not, they are no less of a woman and are loved.

The End of My Rope

I feel like I have no good news to ever put on this blog...

Today Chris woke up at 8:00 and started calling the doctors office. He tried for 25 minutes without getting through and when he finally did get a person and not a busy signal - all of Dr. M's appointments were full for the day.

We were told to call again tomorrow morning. Chris just asked if Dr. M could call him and tell him the test results. The receptionist said yes, she'd have her call at the end of her morning appointments. 1:00 came around and we still hadn't had a call and so Chris called again. The receptionist said she'd have Dr. M call "in a minute" so we waited.... and waited.... and about 45 minutes later Dr. M called.

Chris answered it and asked for his results. She said she didn't understand them so I need to call Mr. R (the fertility specialist) to get the results. Chris asked if she had made me an appointment with Mr. R and she said no, I'd have to call and speak to the secretary.

So I called Mr. R, knowing he had no idea who I was since he's never worked with me before. I was told I couldn't talk to him I needed to talk to his secretary. I called her and she is on holiday until tomorrow.

Once I finally get a hold of her, I am sure I wont get the results over the phone, I'll have to get an appointment which is usually about a months wait - and that is positive thinking (even though I was told that since we were working through Peterborough and not Kings Lynn it should be faster, I wont hold my breath).

It is becoming increasingly frustrating. I keep hoping for that "light at the end of the tunnel" but cant seem to get to it.

At this point I just want some answers - What is wrong with me physically? Is something wrong with Chris? Can I get pregnant? Is it something that can be fixed? Something that cant? I just want to know. I know that the answers to some of those questions might be the end of some of our options, but at least we'd know. Whats more than that, the pain associated with the cysts is something I want taken care of, baby or not... the pain is unbearable at times.

You would think I would be getting quite good at waiting to get this sorted but, we started on this whole journey with the NHS almost a year ago and I am just sick of waiting.

Injustice or blown out of proportion?

So, I was thinking the other day about how our situation could be an injustice.

Let me paint a picture. I have 4 siblings who all have children.

1 had a child out of wedlock, and smoked through pregnancy

1 had a child out of wedlock, smoked through pregnancy and is 17

They say they feel like it is such a burden to have the child. They feel that the child is a nuisance. They say that they wish the child would stop being so troublesome.

I couldn't help but think that this is such a grave injustice and an utter travesty. Here Jamie & I are, doing everything the 'right way', yet we can't have children.

Is this really an injustice or am I just blowing it out of all proportion?

I can't help but feel that it is both.

I know that the Lord has (edit: I put had, I meant has) a plan for Jamie and I and that this is just a trial that we have to go through.

What are your guys' thoughts?

In the Begining..

Well here are the facts:

Fact - Chris and I have wanted a family since we first got married.
Fact - Nearly 2 years later ... nothing.
Fact - My doctor is concerned by my low hormone levels in my blood test.
Fact - My doctor is so concerned that she was irate when my first appointment (April 1) was NEVER re-scheduled, and then scheduled me the first appointment within a 60 mile radius.
Fact - Through some small but significant changes within myself I know there is a problem.
Fact - Chris is very supportive, although at this time we aren't at all worried about him medically.

So there are the facts - now here are my feelings and reasons for this blog.

Lately I have really struggled with my other blog - because suddenly all the things that were happening were a little to sensitive and personal for anyone to read. I love writing and have always found it a great outlet for my feelings and a great way to sort though the rubbish in my head. I also enjoy having my blog so that I can keep my friends and family posted with my life all the way over here.

This blog will be different than the other one - this one will be VERY honest and real about how I am feeling because I feel comfortable writing my deepest feelings because I trust that those reading will respect and accept those feelings. This blog will also be different because Chris will be writing too - from his perspective.

Chris and I have decided to do this blog because, maybe we are jumping the gun (1st appointment is May 7th), but this is a struggle in our lives. Second, if we do get a baby at some time we want that child to know it was desperately wanted.

Feel free to comment honestly and ask questions if you need to.

We sure love you all and are very happy and grateful for your support.