The Countdown Begins

Hello Friends…

Well, even though it has only been since November that I had my last surgery, I had completely forgotten how nervous I got beforehand.  I will be having my surgery next Tuesday and I am starting to get pretty nervous!

Next Monday I have to suffer through the unpleasantness that is “Bowel Prep” (I wont be sharing too many details about that!)  I have to be at the hospital by 7:30 – that is, if they have a bed.  I have to call an hour before hand to make sure there is a bed for me.  Chris got the day off (thanks to a co-worker who is going to work his shift for him that day).  He has the next day off too – and hey, lucky me I have a ride to the hospital!!  I made it quite clear to the nurse at the pre-op appointment that I got really sick after I woke up last time, so she is going to make sure that I get the meds to help that BEFORE the surgery, not an hour or so after.  Also, I have asked for some fluids in my IV after the surgery so I don't feel so dehydrated and get such a bad headache.  I am hoping these things coupled with prayers, blessings, good doctors, and SMALL incisions will have me sleeping safely in my own bed the night of my surgery.  Of course, I think I need to prepare that I  might have to stay the night – but I am trying to be positive! 

I am encouraged by the statistics I’ve found online for conceiving after the surgery.  Granted, they aren't TOO high, but they are much more positive than I was thinking when we got the dreaded letter at Christmas.

Since May 6th, 2007 we have been working with various doctors to “fix” me.  Thinking back I was so desperate to have answers.  When I finally got those answers they were not at all what I thought they would be, and they stirred up emotions that I wasn't prepared for. 

Some days I want to shout it out from the roof-tops, “I struggle with infertility!  Please be patient with me!!”  I want to explain to everyone why I avoid the “baby section” of the shops, why, at family parties, I “tune out” or walk away.  Why I cant watch a show with a baby born in it without shedding a few tears.  But, other times I just want to lay in bed and keep it to myself.  Often I have wondered what I did to deserve it?  Why things are so unfair!  But most days, I don't do either – I get up in my one-bedroom apartment and cope.  You’d be surprised at how many things you have to “cope” with when you are struggling.   I get reminders constantly that I don't have children, and at the end of the day it isn't so much what I am missing out on – but what Chris is, what my parents are, what my family is missing out on – and that is when I break down.  But, I keep going, and have for 3 years with the hope of a solution.  I realize that this surgery may not provide my broken body with a way to carry a child, but if it doesn't, then I continue to hope – and just keep going.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love, prayers, and support.  They buoy me up when I feel down and they help me realize that Chris and I aren't alone.

Long Overdue (and not with a baby)

Well this entry is LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG overdue. As I sat down to try to sort out where to start and what to say, I realised I have quite a bit to say so this might be the first update of many.

I think I will do it in bullet lists to help make things a bit easier to understand:

* I recovered from my surgery quite well. No other complications (except scars that look like division signs).

* I found it surprisingly easy to come to terms with what the Doctor said about my future chances (30%).

* I was coping quite well, until we got a depressing letter a few days before Christmas that made things sound A LOT more bleak. I do believe the number 10% was used. It was awful to get right before an already difficult holiday, and put a different “spin” on how Chris and I celebrated the holidays.

* We finally got a new appointment for the end of January (this was an URGENT appointment made 2 months later – welcome to the NHS system). The Doctor was very nice and said I would need further surgery and a bit more serious. At the end of the day, my chances to conceive naturally are just as good as IVF (to me that is hopeful). They said to call in 10 days after the appointment to find out when the surgery was… now over a month later… we are still waiting (nearly 2 whole years since the whole process started – you’d think 2 months wouldn't make a huge difference – BUT IT DOES!)

I have so many things that I want to talk about, complain about, and be thankful about – but it is late, so that will have to wait.

I continue to be amazed at the support I get from dear friends and family. Thank you… your comments are not ever read without a tear in my eye and a prayer of thanks in my heart.

More later… and be prepared, BOY do I have some complaints to get off my chest!

P.S. I just added the option to "follow me" - because I post so irregularly it might help you to know what I actually write.

I Wish Someone Knew…

Through suffering with the trial of infertility I have often wished that “someone knew what I was going through”. On my other blog I shared some of my favourite blogs and I would love to do the same with the infertility blogs I read. The truth of the matter is no one can ever know exactly what we, as individuals, are going through but there are people who feel the same pain. Luckily through these blogs it is not all depression and complaining. There are stories of hope and love and answered prayers. If you are needing extra strength and think that a blog might help I really encourage you to go to http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/06/whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you.html … There is an amazing list of blogs by category to look at.

Recently my heart has been touched and I have been moved by several stories:

http://twosheldons.blogspot.com/ – This is a story about faith, failed IVF, and adoption.

http://turnbowpuzzle.blogspot.com/ – This is a story about a lovely faithful couple who were trying to conceive (TTC) and recently fell pregnant.

http://allaboutashleyc.blogspot.com/ – This is a story about IVF and the start of a miracle pregnancy.

http://mylesstraveledroad.blogspot.com/ – This heartbreaking story is about infant loss – beautifully written.