An Update and a Bit of a Vent

Hello Dear Friends. Are you still even checking this blog? Well, maybe this will just be for me and Chris (possibly the only 2 still reading).

There are a few reasons I haven't updated lately. One of the main ones is because there isn't too much to update on - we are in a limbo of sorts and so, stuck in this holding pattern, there aren't many changes.

As far as my healing and recovery go - things are back to normal for the most part. The incision has completely healed and has left a LONG scar along my tummy, but the width of the scar is like a line drawn with a pencil. The surgeon was very good at cleaning up his mess! I am not having any side effects anymore and am back to full activity. Sometimes I find it really hard to believe that is was only a few short months ago that I was so poorly, but I count my blessings that as bad as it was then, I am completely better now.

Along with the happiness of the full healing process, comes the complete frustration that nothing has changed at all. You'd think without one ovary, I'd have a least half of the cramps - but nope - they are still as bad as ever. I was under the impression that getting the Endo taken care of, it would solve those issues as well, but my doctor has informed me that, that is not the case at all. It is very frustrating! It usually brings me to tears every month thinking not only am I not getting pregnant, but I still have to suffer - so what was the surgery for anyway?!?!

As of now Chris and I are under instruction from the Consultant, Dr. R, to keep trying and see what happens. If nothing happens by Feb. then it is back to the Dr. M (the GP) to get a new referral to see Dr. R again - and move on from there.

Most of the time I am okay with the way things are headed with infertility. Most of the time I feel okay with the prospect that kids might not be in the picture. With so many other stresses in my life at the moment, I am ashamed to say, sometimes the infertility is the least of my worries. But then, of course, there are times where the pain of what I am going through cuts like a knife. I have eliminated most of my friends on Facebook that constantly complain about their kids (don't worry no one reading this is one of them) and now have taken to even hiding people who are constantly posting quotes or status updates about how "you've never known love until you're a mother." I know, I know it is a bit petty, but for me, it is what I have to do. It makes me feel like less of a wife, daughter, sister, and woman thinking to myself, "I must not love as much as I am capable because I don't have children."

As for life in general I am trying to put me first. It isn't easy at all. I am trying to get rid of the things in my life that cause me unneeded stress and heartache. This has, of course, made me re-evaluate a lot of things. Just the other day, a "friend" got me so sad that I had to stop myself and made a decision to eliminate that person from my thinking and life, for now.

I think of all that I have gone through in the last 3 years with regards to fertility and sometimes I am amazed at what Chris and I have dealt with and come through - and other times I am so saddened by the lack of support from family, friends and even strangers. I had a friend who came all the way from Utah to England and couldn't even pick up a phone to call me while she was here. Recently one of Chris' friends (who added me on Facebook) made me crack. She had a miscarriage and had fallen pregnant with her 2nd child very soon after. She complained 10+ times a day about how horrible pregnancy was and, "WHY did I do this to myself!!!!" When she had a very healthy baby she continued complaining about the baby - even going so far as to say, she hated him. I finally broke down and wrote to her (very nicely - not wanting to cause problems or hurt feelings) that, "I know how hard newborns can be, but maybe she should look at the positive - and remember there are women out there that would love to deal with what she was dealing with." I was then attacked by her and her friends because I said it and must not have any idea what she was going through because of my "unfortunate situation". My friends on Facebook who read my updates know more than my In-Laws (because they never ask) and the other day I signed up for a LDS infertility support group and, because I am not in Utah, no one has even bothered to say anything to me (but have to everyone else who has signed up at the same time). I cant wait to get home to Utah and spend some time with the people who HAVE supported me. Sometimes it just all gets on top of me.

I think what it comes down to is, I think about my infertility on a daily basis, and I suppose it affects me more than I think it does. But it is a process - I know of women who have been trying for 10+ years and still have sadness over it. I guess it is a matter of clearing my life of the things that don't make me happy and filling it with things that will fulfill me - no matter what happens with the infertility. I just keep praying I can deal with it - and not let it ruin me.

So It Starts

Hello Dear Friends. I think it is about time I updated this blog. Not too much has been happening in the last few months on the baby path. But, now that its November things will start going.

Tomorrow I go to the hospital for my pre-surgery check up. It is a general health check (I think!) Luckily I wont be having the surgery at Peterborough District (it is sooooo messy and dirty there) – it will be at Stamford, which is outside of Peterborough. I am starting to get more and more nervous as the time gets closer. It is my first ever surgery and although I am quite blessed that there aren't many possible complications – but, I still worry. Chris will be there with me and so will Pam, my mother-in-law. The only thing missing is my mom.

The surgery is called the lap and dye. What they do is make an incision in the right side of my abdomen, in my belly button (my BIGGEST fear – it makes me sick to think about), and then they insert the dye through my cervix. They will go in there with a camera and see if the ink goes through my fallopian tubes. They are also going to look to see if I have endometriosis – and if it isn't too bad they’ll get rid of it, if it is bad I’ll have to have more surgery.

I haven't even met the Doctor who is going to be performing the surgery (that makes me nervous as well). I have been working with the fertility nurse and haven't needed to see him so I don't know what to expect at all.

The most common side effect is shoulder pain. Strange hu?? Apparently when the pump my abdomen full of gas (so they can get a better view) sometimes it affects the diaphragm which has a nerve that is connected to the shoulder, which in turn causes horrible shoulder pain.

It is an outpatient surgery and hopefully I will be feeling good within a few days. I am not supposed to work for a week and cant lift anything heavy.

This will get me closer to the answer of the question: can I have a baby naturally or not? If the tubes are blocked then IVF is the next option. I am hoping that at least I get some answers so we know what way to go.

If my tubes are blocked then we are eligible to have a FREE IVF on the NHS (assuming that my weight wont hold me back – they are quite picky about letting overweight women have IVF – not cost effective apparently). If we do get IFV then we’ll do that while I am here in England, despite the fact that I might end up pregnant when I get to America (minus health insurance). We’ll just have to see how it goes.

Anyway, the surgery is on the 26th (Happy Thanksgiving!!). I am hoping that I don't stress out too much before then and that everything goes fine. If anything of note happens tomorrow at the Dr. I will post more.

In the meantime…. just thought you might find some facts about my Fertile Facebook Friends interesting:

29 of them (or their wives) are currently pregnant and within the last year 33 babies were born to my friends….. I guess you can tell I struggle with infertility – not many people would even notice.

Dear Facebook, I Love you... P.S. I hate you!

Admittedly, these last few weeks I have been a bit sensitive about everything and anything that has to do with people getting pregnant or having babies.

I do, at times, HATE the mention of pregnancy or anything in that general category but have become very good at smiling and through gritted teeth saying, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" (or typing through gritted teeth? Is that possible? You know what I mean!)

When there was no Facebook, I would hear on occasion the pregnancy announcements, the pregnancy complaints, and the post baby situations... now that I have a Facebook account it seems that this last month I have been bombarded with all things baby.

I love Facebook for one reason: to keep in touch with my friends that I would normally not. This past month I have SERIOUSLY considered deleting my account because of the status updates I have read.

When it all started I said to Chris, "I am getting around 5 status updates about babies or pregnancy each day and it is driving me crazy." I continued to update Chris every time I got one of those updates and it was becoming excessive (or I was becoming obsessive hmmmm).

The breaking point for me was when a very lovely, deserving friend (I love her!) got married and fell pregnant on her honeymoon, don't get me wrong I am happy for her - I am just more sad for me. I hesitated writing "congrats" on her profile, because honestly I couldn't - I had a bit of a breakdown.

I had to reach deep inside to be able to say that I was happy for her, because I am. Sometimes it just takes time.

I was just getting used to the fact that Facebook is now the new announcing venue, when, I started to get status updates like: "I hate being pregnant!", "Who would EVER want to be pregnant!!" and the like - that was it - I thought, I could either sit there and fume that there are people who JUST DON'T GET IT or I could get rid of the problem - I did the later, I took her off of my friend list.

I am not ignorant - I know pregnancy is difficult (I have been around it enough to KNOW), but right now in my life, I don't want to hear it, not from people I don't really know from High School.

The updates seemed to have slowed down, or maybe I am doing alright with not letting it get to me.

I have grown to know that at this point it is a matter of me trying to find a coping mechanism - the updates are never going away, babies being born are never going to stop and I need to figure out how to deal with it in a productive way.

I better find that coping mechanism fast... my sister in law is having a baby this week, although it wont be an update on Facebook - I bet it is 1,000 times worse!