She’s Talking to ME!

The title of this post may be a bit misleading, but hear me out.
A few Sunday’s ago I went back to my home ward for church.  It had been several weeks with sickness (Chris), Baby (Lilly), and visiting other wards.  I was excited to see that my new friend and new RS President was giving a talk.  I had my hands full helping Naomi look after her 3 girls – but as the RS President  stood up to speak, the girls gave me a gift (or the spirit did) by making things still enough to hear a message that felt like was prepared just for me. 
She read a quote by Sister Chieko Okazaki, that has changed the way I think about my Saviour and the Atonement:

“Well, my dear sisters, the gospel is the good news that can free us from guilt. We know that Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane. It’s our faith that he experienced everything- absolutely everything. Sometimes we don’t think through the implications of that belief. We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we don’t experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That means he knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer- how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what if felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced Napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism. Let me go further. There is nothing you have experienced as a woman that he does not also know and recognize. On a profound lever, he understands the hunger to hold your baby that sustains you through pregnancy. He understands both the physical pain of giving birth and the immense joy. He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion. His last recorded words to his disciples were, ‘And, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.’ (Matt 28:20) He understands your mother-pain when your 5 year old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your 5th grader, when your daughters calls to say that the new baby has Down Syndrome. He know your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your 2 year old, when someone gives your 13 year old drugs, when someone seduces your 17 year old. He know the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only children are visitors, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your 50th wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years. He knows all that, He’s been there, He’s been lower than all that. He’s not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don’t need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He’s the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He’s not embarrassed by us, angry at us or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief.”

I  feel like you could put in any trial you may have (or have had) and liken it to you. 

That quote spoke to my sprit, and the way I feel during my trials will never be the same.  I hope it does the same for you.

Thanks lilysusannah -- you're fabulous!!

Yes, I’m a Mormon.

Experiencing a Miracle

**Just a warning… this post might be long and sentimental – so if that isn't for you, just don’t read it and come back another day for my wallpapering post. **

If you would have asked me 9 months ago, drowning in the struggle of infertility, if I would be watching my niece be born – I would have just laughed.  But, about 7 months ago, in passing, I mentioned to my sister-in-law (Naomi) that I had always wondered what it would be like to see a baby be born and was trying to come to grips that I might not ever experience it for myself – she said that I could be in there when she had her baby.  I thought that would be the end of it, but just a few days ago I found myself sitting in the dimly lit delivery room waiting for Lilly to be born.

For the whole month of June I was on tenterhooks whenever the phone rang.  I made sure I had my mobile phone with me and charged up at all times and would go to sleep at night thinking…. “Is this the night??”  I have to admit as the time of Naomi’s due date drew closer and closer I started to doubt my decision to be in the room.  I didn’t know if experiencing this in my situation would make things better or worse.  But we planned throughout her pregnancy I would be there as a helper (if needed) but mostly a spectator – and comic relief if needed.  Weeks before the birth the reality of what I would be witnessing hit me at full force and I knew I couldn’t miss it – no matter what my situation.  I would get the rare experience of seeing the birth but instead of being the one in pain, or the spouse, I could watch, feel, and soak up the experience in a way that most people cant.

Friday night (July 1st) I got a call in the morning saying that Naomi was getting contractions 30 minutes apart and I should plan on it it happening today.  Naomi was nearly 5 days overdue and was ready to have the baby.  But, the day came and went and I didn’t get any other phone calls, so I figured that like a few other times during the week, that the contractions had died down and I would just need to wait. 

At 10:00 that night I got another call – her contractions were getting closer and although I didn’t need to worry right at that moment  - she thought it would be soon.  I tried to go to sleep, knowing that I would soon be getting the call to pick her and Mark up – but couldn’t sleep (could you!?!?).  Around 12:30 AM I got a phone call saying it was time to go to the hospital.  The contractions still weren't regular but they were coming more often and Naomi would just feel better knowing how far she was.

I was instructed (by Naomi) that Naomi didn’t want any fussing about so I tried to remain as calm as possible and drive safely to the hospital (about 40 minutes away).  We would be having a joke and a laugh and then she’d have a contraction and conversation would stop, she’d casually say “There was another one.” Calm as anything.  This wasn’t like the movies – she wasn’t screaming or writing in pain.  She was calm and collected.  We even stopped at the shop to top up her mobile phone.

We got to the hospital and everyone was surprisingly calm (I am sure me and Mark were the most nervous of everyone).  We went into the HOT delivery room and waited and waited.  After every contraction Naomi would say, “Wow that was strong,” and then continue on the conversation.  Finally the midwife came in and monitored Naomi for a few minutes and said, “You have three choices:  I can check you to see where you are, You can labour for a few hours here and then I’ll check you, or because your contractions aren't regular, you can go home for a few hours.”  Naomi said she would rather be checked and Mark and I went to the hallway while she was checked - hoping that we wouldn’t have to make the drive home and risk not making it back.  By now it was about 3:00.  I could tell the contractions were getting worse but still Naomi didn’t complain – just got on with it.  We walked back into the room and Naomi said she was a 7 (?!?!?) and we weren't going anywhere – thank goodness she had the midwife check! 

From there it was a bit of a whirlwind.  Naomi hadn't had any pain relief at all (NONE) and was getting understandably uncomfortable.  She didn’t want an epidural but decided she wanted something, so the midwife sauntered in and out of the room preparing an injection for pain relief.  At this point it was about 3:25.  The midwife gave Naomi the injection and Naomi said (through gritted teeth), “When will it start working?!?!?!?”  The midwife casually replied, “10-15 minutes”.    Then things got intense.  Naomi was in a lot of pain (but, I might add – not screaming or anything – she even apologized in-between contractions to Mark for being so whiney!).  She was bent over in pain by the side of the bed and kept saying, “I am finding it really hard not to push.”  So the midwife reluctantly walked over and checked, “I can see the head!” she exclaimed – putting a bit more pep in her step she barely had time to get everything in position before Naomi let out two screams and Lilly was here – caught by the midwife and passed up to her mummy.  Naomi pushed for 3 minutes and suddenly there were 5 people in the room.  Simply amazing.

Because I was on the sidelines I could appreciate that moment.  The moment when the veil parted and a spirit entered this world – that room.  I could have all the words in the world and never be able to describe that feeling.  This tiny baby’s spirit was face to face those that inhabit heaven and now she was here.  The feeling of the room instantly changed, the veil was very, very thin and that was a feeling that I never expected to have – but it overwhelmed me and still does whenever I think about it.

Once Naomi and Lilly were safely laying on the bed, the midwife asked Mark to cut the cord and he said no so I got to do it – without hesitation.  Then we all just sat there – looking at this perfect, beautiful baby.  Naomi was a superstar going through all of that without pain meds.  I have never admired anyone as much as I did Naomi in that moment.  It gave me an understanding that I would have never had about mothers and the sacrifice they make.

Then Naomi passed her miracle to me.  I got to hold Lilly and just couldn’t stop looking at her – in awe of her perfection.

I then passed her back to her mummy and Mark and I made phone calls to family.  I had been up for HOURS and HOURS but wasn’t tired at all.

The sun started to rise as we just sat and chatted (Naomi was a bit out of it at this point because those pain meds she asked for had started working).   Talking about all the things we now found funny that we couldn’t laugh at during the labour like, Naomi apologizing, my trying to undo her bra (we both couldn’t figure out how to unclasp the nursing bit), and a lot of other things that Naomi probably wouldn’t thank me for writing.  Naomi got up to have a shower and I just held that baby. 

Not only was I a witness to an amazing miracle – in those quite moments of holding this baby some of the parts of my heart that infertility had broken – they were healed.  Everyone told me that I would find healing, somehow somewhere, through this trial of infertility – and I have found it, although not complete healing (I don’t think I will ever mend all the pieces of my broken heart) but some healing. Every time I hold her and soak in her spirit – in a way that I never have before – I feel that healing again.  And suddenly the miracle in my infertility isn't my own baby – but the tender mercies and selflessness of a brother and sister-in-law – who let me take part in the most amazing experience in my life.  Words could never explain what they have given me by letting me be a part of their experience..

The past week and half have been filled with joy for me and Chris (and I’ll admit, a twinge of sadness at my loss – I am human).  We’ve gotten to spend so much time with not only Lilly, (who Chris keeps offering to buy off Naomi and Mark) but with Madie and Georgia.  I think I speak for me and Chris when I say that our relationship with our nieces make our infertility not hurt so much.  What a blessing.

Here are some pictures from the day and this past week or so (Did I mention that Naomi was home within 12 hours of giving birth?!? ):

Tender Mercies

I wont lie… this week has been rough.  After living here in England for nearly 4 years you’d think that I would have my homesickness conquered – but I don't… far from it.  When things are going “well” it is a lot easier to cope, but when things pile up (like they have this last week) it is almost more than I can handle at times.
Today, after an especially hard day, I decided that I needed to get out of the house.  I needed to exercise (instead of emotionally eat).  I went out with two objectives – find the signs of spring by doing something that I love (taking pictures) and also taking some deep breaths, “feeling”, and trying to find ways to improve my mood and my outlook on things. I guess that is more than two… anyway…
The second I walked out the door it started to rain (surprise, surprise – note sarcasm), but I had finally found the motivation and keep walking.  Breathing in the nice, fresh air and taking a lot of time to just… STOP and take in the view.
I am a very firm believer in God’s “Tender Mercies”.  I try my hardest when I am feeling down to find them in every day life. I find that it just re-affirms my belief in God looking out for me even though life is so hard sometimes.  Today didn't fail to disappoint (when looking for tender mercies – it never will).  I found a lot of signs of spring and even found beauty in the day.

“We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance”  Elder David A. Bednar "The Tender Mercies of the Lord."

Below are some of the pictures I took… maybe, you can find a “Tender Mercy” for yourself in one of them.  Enjoy!

“Pretty in Pink”                

One of my “Tender Mercies”    

Another “Tender Mercy”   

Are We Not All Mothers?

When I was about 20 and attending Young Adults in my home ward, we were asked to put together the yearly Mothers Day program for Sacrament Meeting. I was asked to do a talk about mothers. Simple enough right? But it wasn't simple. During the weeks before my talk I couldn't shake a conference talk from mind by Sheri Dew called: Are We Not All Mothers? I felt drawn to give that talk because I felt a certain empathy for those women in the ward who were not mothers. Not understanding completely why I was compelled to base my talk on that, I followed my feelings and did base my talk on every woman being a mother and being called to help the children that surround her, whether her own or others. Little did I know at that point in my life, that nearly 10 years later I would be one of those women I had such an affinity for.

And now, how I struggle to remember the message I wanted to give to those women!

Luckily, I am surrounded (not figuratively but emotionally) by supportive women who remind me that I can strive to possess those qualities that mothers have.

As I look back at my adult life I can see how special opportunities have been put in my way to work on those qualities and, I have had the unique opportunity to be as close to being a mother as possible, without giving birth. There was wisdom in Gods plan of having me support a friend through adoption. There was wisdom in having friends who had babies first and me being able to support them and be someone they called on when they needed help. There was absolute wisdom in the answer of many prayers (not just mine) of my greatest opportunity to be a nanny for 5 beautiful children whom I loved as much as I could, and subsequently found an amazing friend through that experience, along with a lot of other inspiring people during that time.

I felt that when I left my nanny job, my next step would be having children of my own. Of course, that was what I thought - newly married with an ideal life ahead of me. Little did I know that my "ideal life" was not to be had.

Years went by and no baby came - somehow in my grieving for that dream I had forgotten that I had the ability to love like a mother. Up until just a few days ago, I forgot about that talk that I had felt so prompted to share. I was as good of an auntie as I could be to my gorgeous nieces and nephews but there was a huge amount of detaching myself from them, because they represented my failings as a woman and mother.

But then God provided me with some tender mercies that have struck my heart.

Spending time with my newest niece, Madi (2 months old), and having her mom allow me to comfort her - and being able to sooth her, unlike some of the other mothers in the room.

Conference - and being told that if I was living a righteous life I had no reason to complain about trials.

An amazing email from a special friend that comforted me in ways nothing else could - and helped me remember how I used to feel about children.

And finally today, my sister in law asked me to go with her to get Madi her vaccinations. She doesn't like to be in there when she gets the shots (usually her husband goes) and she asked me. Someone who has no children, and trusted me enough with the baby to be the one to take her.

As I sat there with the small child on my lap, and as she got her shots and cried, but quieted down as soon as I cuddled her and held her in my arms - all those feeling came shooting back to me - I may never have children of my own - but I have the unique opportunity of being a mother to several different children - of that I am grateful and I can never be thankful enough for a moment of inspiration nearly 10 years ago - of the opportunity of giving myself something I really needed now - hope.

Love It!

I found this link from one of the other infertility blogs that I follow - I loved the video and I mostly loved another perspective.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/

Enjoy!

Tender Mercies

Last Sunday I taught the lesson in Relief Society. I searched all over for some ideas of what to teach about and while looking I stumbled upon my favourite conference talk. Ever. As I was debating if I should teach it or not, my computer froze and the computer (and the Lord) made the decision for me.

The talk was The Tender Mercies of the Lord by Elder Bednar. As I was preparing the lesson I started to think what things in my life are "tender mercies" and I couldn't think of many. This made me really sad that either, I wasn't getting any OR I wasn't recognizing them. While I was teaching the lesson, it hit me that I wasn't recognizing them. At that point I made a decision: I would take more notice.

Of course, this week has been horrible and I have found it VERY difficult to think positively enough to find them.

Tonight I was thinking and looking back at the week, while doing so I starting to find a steady stream of "tender mercies" that have to do with my experience with infertility. I started to see that friends have reached out to me in several different ways, sharing their struggles and experiences to help me know - I am not alone in this.

I think with matters of infertility it is easy to feel alone, your spouse doesn't quite get it, and lots of people don't want to talk about it. I struggled at first wondering if I should make my situation common knowledge among my friends and family - but I am glad I did.

I am thankful for those who have shared, and continue to share, their feelings and situations with me - because of them, Heavenly Father got to share a "tender mercy" with me - and luckily this time - I was listening.