Long Overdue (and not with a baby)

Well this entry is LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG overdue. As I sat down to try to sort out where to start and what to say, I realised I have quite a bit to say so this might be the first update of many.

I think I will do it in bullet lists to help make things a bit easier to understand:

* I recovered from my surgery quite well. No other complications (except scars that look like division signs).

* I found it surprisingly easy to come to terms with what the Doctor said about my future chances (30%).

* I was coping quite well, until we got a depressing letter a few days before Christmas that made things sound A LOT more bleak. I do believe the number 10% was used. It was awful to get right before an already difficult holiday, and put a different “spin” on how Chris and I celebrated the holidays.

* We finally got a new appointment for the end of January (this was an URGENT appointment made 2 months later – welcome to the NHS system). The Doctor was very nice and said I would need further surgery and a bit more serious. At the end of the day, my chances to conceive naturally are just as good as IVF (to me that is hopeful). They said to call in 10 days after the appointment to find out when the surgery was… now over a month later… we are still waiting (nearly 2 whole years since the whole process started – you’d think 2 months wouldn't make a huge difference – BUT IT DOES!)

I have so many things that I want to talk about, complain about, and be thankful about – but it is late, so that will have to wait.

I continue to be amazed at the support I get from dear friends and family. Thank you… your comments are not ever read without a tear in my eye and a prayer of thanks in my heart.

More later… and be prepared, BOY do I have some complaints to get off my chest!

P.S. I just added the option to "follow me" - because I post so irregularly it might help you to know what I actually write.

A New Start

Hello Friends I didn't want to leave you hangin’ about the appointment yesterday so here is the update:

The appointment went really well yesterday. We got to the hospital on time (barely). I was weighted (AHHHHH) and measured and told so wait for the nurse to see me. I knew that I wouldn't be seeing the doctor today because my letter from the hospital told me that I would be meeting with the nurse for an hour appointment. I was really hesitant about this because I didn't think anything would be accomplished (what could a nurse tell me?). Chris and I were waiting and waiting and the nurse (called Fiona) came out of the office several times to tell me that she was reading my notes and would be with me as soon as possible. I was impressed immediately with her friendliness. After waiting for about a half an hour she ushered us into her office.

Once in her office we were greeted with walls full of pictures of babies, the light smell of roses, and calming classical music playing in the background. I was immediately calmed and filled with quiet confidence. It was a stark contrast to our appointment in Kings Lynn already. She told us that she had hundreds of questions to ask me and 50 to ask Chris.

She started asked me about my cycle and said that both the Dr.’s in Kings Lynn and Dr. M had put in the notes that I had irregular cycles but when she looked at my nearly 3 year record (yes I have kept meticulous track for nearly 3 years) she found that my cycle was just fine and that it was well within the parameters of a “normal” cycle.

She looked at my scan notes and said that I did have PCOS for sure because there was evidence of cysts on both sides of my ovaries. She says 1 in 6 women have cysts on their ovaries and that they only become a problem when the cysts stop ovulation, and for me they haven't, so the PCOS isn't the cause of the problems. She did see the mass in my uterus. She said she is fairly confident that is isn't a fibroid or a tumour or anything of that sort. She said that it isn't rare to have fluid in the back of the uterus after a cycle or it could show that the fallopian tubes are blocked (which would cause infertility). That will all be explored at a later date.

As far as “the sample” we were finally able to get some answers! I can honestly say that this was the source of a lot of my anxiety concerning the appointment. It was all good news. Fiona said that in the sample there were around 200 million little guys and that 70% were alive and that 5% were usable (normal is 8%). She said with the higher amount (his sample had well over the average) that the 5% was totally fine and that everything seemed alright. She told Chris he would have to do another sample because, unlike women, male fertility can change quite quickly so they like to have 2 samples to compare. His appointment to take it in is on the 8th of July. Hearing those results were a HUGE relief. Male Factor infertility is a lot harder to fix.

I continued to tell Fiona about my history. She was quite confused at the course of action that Kings Lynn took in my treatment. She said that they NEVER should have put me on the Provera, especially with my cycle. It makes me realize and, reaffirms that it was the right decision to find someone else besides Kings Lynn to help.

So the course of action now is:

Chris:

Sample on the 8th of July

Jamie:

Chlamydia screening

Blood test on days 21, 28, and 35 of my cycle (to see if I am, in fact, ovulating)

Blood tests for hormone levels (5 tests in all)

Blood test to see if I am Rubella Immune (important to know for pregnancy)

Blood test for Glucose and Lipids

I am really pleased at the course Fiona is taking things. I am glad that she is testing me for everything possible. She said because I have such painful periods that Endometriosis is definitely an option (especially since my sister has had it and it is hereditary) and possibly a check on my fallopian tubes.

She could tell how frustrated I was with the whole situation and was so supportive saying, “We’ll get to the bottom of it” and “We will figure out what’s wrong” several times during the appointment.

The appointment was nearly finished and then the subject that I KNEW was coming was brought up,

“Now we need to talk about your weight.”

She said that my weight was not an issue in my fertility because it wasn't stopping me from ovulating. She continued to tell us that the government does a confidential report each year about mother and infant deaths in childbirth. She says they have found that women who have a BMI over 40% are at increased risk for complications including stroke, high blood pressure, and death. That children born to mothers with that BMI are at increased risk for birth defects and death.

Fiona said that I had a BMI of 41% (no, I am not afraid to say it – ashamed, but not afraid) and asked if I was willing to take those risks, to go through everything and then loose the baby. Then she turned to Chris and asked if it was worth us getting pregnant right now if the end result was a paralyzed wife from stroke or worse. We agreed that it wasn't worth the risk. She gave me some options for weight loss (Weight Watchers and stuff like that). I make excuses and said we didn't have the money and she said, “Diapers cost more a week than a weekly membership – it is a matter of figuring out your priorities.” She also told us that in the meantime that we should NOT get pregnant and to use precautions. She said she was sure it sounded strange coming from a fertility clinic but that it wouldn't be safe to get pregnant right now.

Chris and I left the office, especially me, filled with hope and thankfulness that we finally seemed to find someone who is going to help. Fiona told us she’d get us her next appointment (end of July probably).

The appointment has left me with so many thoughts in my head about my desire to have a baby vs. my weight. I wasn't insulted or upset at how Fiona broached the subject. It was in such a concerned way and serious way that I knew it wasn't a personal attack or a way for the NHS to save money.

I know that my weight has gotten out of control and I always knew in my heart that I wouldn't want to get pregnant at this weight. So now where do I go from here? That is a good question. I think it is going to take a lot of commitment, because it isn't going to be easy – but, like my mom said last night, I need to imagine holding my little baby in my arms and it will make it all worth it.

Needless to say this blog, I am sure, will take on different form now that I know what I need to do about weight loss but also finally being able to get some answers.

As always, I am glad for the support and will ask for that support to continue as we take the next step in the journey.

The Day Before the Appointment

Hello friends.  I just thought I would put a little update on here.  Chris and I have our fertility appointment tomorrow at 2:30.  We fought for this appointment and have waited over a year now since the other horrible appointment.  I am strangely calm but, I know, that tomorrow I will be nervous.  Tomorrow we get the results of Chris’ sample, which is good news – but, I am also going to have to fight my corner in regards to the results of the internal scan.  I have been told my Dr. M (my GP) that I should be put on Metformin to help with weight loss and to regulate my blood sugars.  By getting those under control my hormones might settle a bit (a side effect of PSOS) thus, helping with ovulation.  Whatever happens at least we’ll get some answers.  We’ll see where we are in regards of the Male Factor Fertility and get started on fixing the problems with mine.

Tomorrow, whatever the outcome, will be life changing for me, Chris, and our future family – I just hope I have, or can find, the strength to accept the outcome.

Just Around the Corner

Hello Dear Friends!!  I just wanted to write a entry letting you know where I am at right now as far as the doctors, NHS and my fertility.

Chris and I are finally looking forward to starting the journey again, and getting some answers.  We have an appointment on the 3rd of June in Peterborough.  We aren't going to be meeting with a doctor or consultant (as they call them here in England) just a fertility nurse.  This title makes me quite nervous because we’ve waited so long to speak to someone who knows what they are talking about and I don't know if a nurse will.  We are hoping to hear the results of Chris’ test and also are interested to see what direction they’ll go. 

In the back of my mind I know that my notes say there are only cysts on my right ovaries and when I got the scan back in October they said there was a big mass on the left side of my uterus.  I am mentally preparing myself to fight my corner and be prepared for another internal scan.  I don't care what they have to do – internal scan, sure – exploratory surgery, fine – hormone meds, okay -  I just want to be started on the road, no matter the direction.

In my heart I feel like this appointment will give me not only a sense of progress, but on the flip side will give me more to worry about.  I haven't worried about Chris’ results too much or worried about the “mass”… until now.

Luckily at least, no matter what we find out, we’ll have some answers.  I just hope it doesn't turn out like the appointment in Kings Lynn. 

The End of My Rope

I feel like I have no good news to ever put on this blog...

Today Chris woke up at 8:00 and started calling the doctors office. He tried for 25 minutes without getting through and when he finally did get a person and not a busy signal - all of Dr. M's appointments were full for the day.

We were told to call again tomorrow morning. Chris just asked if Dr. M could call him and tell him the test results. The receptionist said yes, she'd have her call at the end of her morning appointments. 1:00 came around and we still hadn't had a call and so Chris called again. The receptionist said she'd have Dr. M call "in a minute" so we waited.... and waited.... and about 45 minutes later Dr. M called.

Chris answered it and asked for his results. She said she didn't understand them so I need to call Mr. R (the fertility specialist) to get the results. Chris asked if she had made me an appointment with Mr. R and she said no, I'd have to call and speak to the secretary.

So I called Mr. R, knowing he had no idea who I was since he's never worked with me before. I was told I couldn't talk to him I needed to talk to his secretary. I called her and she is on holiday until tomorrow.

Once I finally get a hold of her, I am sure I wont get the results over the phone, I'll have to get an appointment which is usually about a months wait - and that is positive thinking (even though I was told that since we were working through Peterborough and not Kings Lynn it should be faster, I wont hold my breath).

It is becoming increasingly frustrating. I keep hoping for that "light at the end of the tunnel" but cant seem to get to it.

At this point I just want some answers - What is wrong with me physically? Is something wrong with Chris? Can I get pregnant? Is it something that can be fixed? Something that cant? I just want to know. I know that the answers to some of those questions might be the end of some of our options, but at least we'd know. Whats more than that, the pain associated with the cysts is something I want taken care of, baby or not... the pain is unbearable at times.

You would think I would be getting quite good at waiting to get this sorted but, we started on this whole journey with the NHS almost a year ago and I am just sick of waiting.

Try Again...

No appointments available today.

Didn't help that neither of us work up right at 8:00 am to call.

I am quite frustrated at the whole thing.

I guess we'll try again tomorrow.

The Waiting Game... Not Such A Fun Game.

Hello! I know it has been a while since I wrote, and I don't have an excuse for it except that I've had a very hard few weeks.

I thought an update would be in order.

We took the sample in Friday the 20th with no incident (even had time to stop at McDonalds). I kept it in my pocket, as suggested, to keep it warm and once we got to the hospital I thought we'd be in for a wait because we had to make an appointment (and its the NHS). Chris' sister came in with us so she didn't have to wait in the car. After trekking to the other end of the hospital we came to the Pathology Department window, the man took the sample from us, shook it around a bit, asked us some slightly personal questions (keeping in mind Chris' sister was there so we were trying to be as discreet as possible), and then said, "okay you'll have the results in about 3 weeks!" We said thank you and went home.

I guess at the first of this process I would have been very impatient about the results, but this time I haven't even noticed the wait. Yesterday I said to Chris, "Why don't you call the hospital at the off chance that the sample results are in." He did and we were told to call our regular doctor.

Chris called the office and the receptionist answered the phone. Usually, when there are test results the doctor gets them and then types on the screen what to tell the patient the results are. Surprisingly when Chris called the test results were in (shocking!) but the receptionist said she couldn't tell us the results and we'd have to make an appointment with the regular doctor to discuss things further.

Suddenly my complacency turned to anxiety with questions shooting through my mind about why the doctor needed to talk to us. The way the surgery (doctors office) works here is if we want an appointment with the doctor pre-bookable appointments are usually a 2 week wait, but they leave several appointments available each day at first come first serve - you have to call right at 8:00 in the morning and hope there are places left, so that is what we have to do for Monday.

Last night I said to Chris, "are you worried about the results?" he said, "no, they are what they are - no use worrying about them, nothing you can do." Do I wish he was a little more passionate about it? Yes! Do I wish he was kept up at night with thoughts of the future like I am? Yes! But, am I so grateful that I have a husband who can stay calm and inject a sense of sanity into the situation? YES!

I know he's right - whatever the test results are, they are - no use worrying. We'll do what we can with the information given... says my rational mind...

But my louder, emotional mind is shouting at me, "This could put an end to your hopes!" and I cant get it to be quiet!

The Appointment... Dum Dum Dummmmmm

Well sorry it has taken me so long to write this entry. My appointment was on Wednesday and it is just now that I can kind of get my head around what we were told.

I got the morning off work and Chris and I headed to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Kings Lynn. It is about 40 minutes away but they were the one that could get me in the soonest so that is where we went. We parked up the car (and had to pay to park!) and walked to the appointment. As we were walking down the corridors there were all these pregnant women walked past me and I couldn't help but feel like it was a bit insensitive to have the infertility office at the same place where we could be bombarded by everything we were hoping for but everything that was just out of our grasp. While sitting in the waiting room I looked around at all the posters of babies all over the wall, all the women rubbing their bellies, and through my whole wait I could hear babies heartbeats coming from the back rooms where they do the ultrasounds - it was a long wait.

Chris and I did finally get called back to see the doctor. He asked us several questions, very personal questions (I figured) and then said that they first rule out if it is a "mechanical" problem. He said he needed to do an exam (I figured that too). Poor Chris, has never had to deal with anything like this in his life. There was the exam table, and a chair by my head and two down nearer my feet. Chris went to sit on the ones near my feet and I firmly suggested that he make his way up nearer my head, "but I wasn't going to look," he says - I explained to him that I would just feel a lot more comfortable with him near my head.

*Warning Girly Details*
see anything with this rubbish machine," and directed me to wrap the sheet around me and follow him to another room with a newer machine. Chris opted to stay in the room and let me go this part on my own. I got to the other room and he repeated the internal scan this time with a machine that looked like it was made in the current The doctor did a regular examination taking lots of swabs to test for different things. All the while telling me to "Relax" the most useless word at a time like that. Then he decided that he would want to do an ultrasound to see if there were any cysts. I figured I had had an ultrasound before when I wasn't well, so, that would be fine, I gave my permission. Then, to my horror I see him pull out a probe of sorts, it was at that point he told me it would be an internal scan. I will spare you the gruesome details suffice to say, the first part of the exam was a walk in the park. While he was doing the scan he looked quite concerned and said he, "couldn't tell anything with such a rubbish machine," and asked me to put the sheet around me and walk down the hall to another room. While in there the whole internal scan was repeated, but this time with a machine that looks like it was made in THIS century, not a few past. All of the sudden he started printed pictures like mad and asked the nurse to go get the head doctor. She came back in and said he would be right there so we just waited... in the middle of the exam we just waited for 5 minutes, then the nurse told us he was on the phone and she'd go check again... then we waited some more. Finally the other doctor came in and looked at the screen and confirmed what the other doctor had suspected - endometriosis caused by 2 cysts. He asked me to head back to the other exam room and wait.

I went back in and got dressed and waiting for the news. Cysts, from what I've heard are easily treated. But then, that is with American health care... NOT the NHS (nationalized health care -- JUST SAY NO!). The first doctor explained it like this, "You have two cysts - one that is 5 cm on your left side and one that is 2 cm on your right side. There is some blood in the one on your left and this cyst is causing your endometriosis. We will have to do surgery and because you are heavier, it will be an in-patient surgery. The wait for this surgery, if we put you on the list now, is 12 - 16 weeks. After this surgery (and maybe during, depending on how well it goes) we will need to inject dye into your Fallopian Tubes to see if the cysts have made adhesions, causing them to close up and not release an egg. If we cant do it at the same time, you'll have to be put on a waiting list for this."

Enter head doctor... he says, "Because you are heavy we will not operate until you loose 2 stone (upwards of 26 lbs.) We will give you hormones to stop they cyst from getting bigger, set up an appointment in 4 months and then we'll see how you are doing. If you are loosing the weight we will THEN schedule you for surgery and put you on the waiting list. You see, the NHS wants value for money , they wont operate or help anyone unless it is 'worth their money'."

Tear my heart out....

The doctor sent us on our way to make an appointment for September - problem is, there are no available appointments in September, so now we are into October.

So that is how it went, now would you like to know how I feel?

I HATE that the problem could be easy to fix but, because we use the NHS they wont help us right now.
I HATE that we are looking at, a min. of about 2 years before we can even TRY.

We are not telling people about the fact that I have to loose weight (and by people I mean people near us), the last thing I need is people analyzing everything I eat.

I, somehow, am going to have to get used to the fact that for a while a baby cant be in our life plans and that makes me really sad. I don't know how I am going to do get used to it. I also have to become less sensitive and realize that people don't say things just to "rub it in my face". I don't want people to have to walk on eggshells around me.

We have had several people who we've told us miracle stories of people who had cysts who had babies... we know, we know... but it wont be us, the problem is too big right now and to be honest it isn't what we need to hear.

Adoption was always something we considered, but with the laws for immigrating a child to America that, right now, is not an option.

We were going to foster care, but I got a phone call today and the woman said that until we have a 2 bedroom place (read: more money that we don't have) we will never be approved.

And to be honest... all I want right now is to be in America, with my family and friends, but I am stuck here and it looks like unless there is a free house we could move into, and a job waiting for us - this is where we'll be for the medial treatment - and here I'll be childless, lonely and missing home.

I know that is quite negative, but it is going to talk a while to see the positive.