New Pictures... Enjoy!
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
I Never Would Have Thought...
Of course, the whole baby thing has been on my mind for quite a while. If you would have asked me about 4 years ago if I would care about having kids I would say, "NO!"
Throughout my life I've said I wanted to be a mom, but, when I hit about 22 years old I DID NOT WANT ANY. I was fine with taking care of my friends babies and giving them proptly back as soon as I was done (or the baby was done for that matter).
I never thought I would be dealing with this, but saying that, I never thought I would be dealing with a lot of things that I have been through the past 2 years.
I am trying not to have this be a "complaining" blog. No one wants to read that. And things could be so, so worse. But it is hard to find some middle ground.
It is also hard for me not to jump right into - no babies ever - state of mind.
A while ago I was not well at all and ended up in the hospital for stomach problems. While doing an MRI or CAT scan (I get them mixed up) anyway, while doing one of those I noticed on the notes that they found some ovarian cysts. From the research I have done, I have found most women have them in some form. But they can also become problematic. I am crossing my fingers that is all it is. A few procedures and BAM - baby. But we'll see.
For the time being I just need to keep telling myself a few things:
1. Not to jump the gun and to try to relax until I KNOW.
2. Not everyone is putting "babies" and all that is associated with them in front of me on purpose (read - At conference they did not talk about Mothers just to make me feel bad)
3. I am not the only one who is struggling. I have a very supportive husband who wants children too... I shouldnt forget that either.
Throughout my life I've said I wanted to be a mom, but, when I hit about 22 years old I DID NOT WANT ANY. I was fine with taking care of my friends babies and giving them proptly back as soon as I was done (or the baby was done for that matter).
I never thought I would be dealing with this, but saying that, I never thought I would be dealing with a lot of things that I have been through the past 2 years.
I am trying not to have this be a "complaining" blog. No one wants to read that. And things could be so, so worse. But it is hard to find some middle ground.
It is also hard for me not to jump right into - no babies ever - state of mind.
A while ago I was not well at all and ended up in the hospital for stomach problems. While doing an MRI or CAT scan (I get them mixed up) anyway, while doing one of those I noticed on the notes that they found some ovarian cysts. From the research I have done, I have found most women have them in some form. But they can also become problematic. I am crossing my fingers that is all it is. A few procedures and BAM - baby. But we'll see.
For the time being I just need to keep telling myself a few things:
1. Not to jump the gun and to try to relax until I KNOW.
2. Not everyone is putting "babies" and all that is associated with them in front of me on purpose (read - At conference they did not talk about Mothers just to make me feel bad)
3. I am not the only one who is struggling. I have a very supportive husband who wants children too... I shouldnt forget that either.
We'll Miss You!!
Isn't it nice when you meet someone that you automatically "click" with? Someone who takes care of you and makes sure you are okay?
This happened to me when I started working for the State of Utah. I was scared and shy and awkward. Almost right from the start a lovely older woman called Toni took me under her wing. She let me bother her with question after question... and always provided me with at safe place to fall at work - along with a drawer full of candy. She treated me and the other girls on our team like daughters. And it wasn't just us that she took care of - she seemed to know everyone and everyone LOVED her. When co-workers would have babies she would shower them with gifts and proudly display their pictures all around her office.
Toni became a reason to go to work, even when things were horrible. A few years ago Toni asked me to go on a vacation with her and her husband to Disneyland. This was quite an offer. I knew she was scared to death to fly and felt quite flattered that she was going to use me to make her feel more comfortable. I remember her squeezing my hand as we were taking off. We got to Disneyland and had a great time. I felt like a child on a dream trip!
Once our office team was split up and all of us went our different ways - I was sad to loose that daily contact with Toni. But, was always happy to receive her sweet emails and forwards. I knew she was always there if I needed her, and I knew she thought about me as well.
Yesterday I got the sad news that Toni passed away. It is like loosing a family member. I am sad that I didn't get to see her one last time. To give her a little hug or to make her laugh.
There are so many people who's lives she's touched and she will be very, very missed.
I love you Toni!!
This happened to me when I started working for the State of Utah. I was scared and shy and awkward. Almost right from the start a lovely older woman called Toni took me under her wing. She let me bother her with question after question... and always provided me with at safe place to fall at work - along with a drawer full of candy. She treated me and the other girls on our team like daughters. And it wasn't just us that she took care of - she seemed to know everyone and everyone LOVED her. When co-workers would have babies she would shower them with gifts and proudly display their pictures all around her office.
Toni became a reason to go to work, even when things were horrible. A few years ago Toni asked me to go on a vacation with her and her husband to Disneyland. This was quite an offer. I knew she was scared to death to fly and felt quite flattered that she was going to use me to make her feel more comfortable. I remember her squeezing my hand as we were taking off. We got to Disneyland and had a great time. I felt like a child on a dream trip!
Once our office team was split up and all of us went our different ways - I was sad to loose that daily contact with Toni. But, was always happy to receive her sweet emails and forwards. I knew she was always there if I needed her, and I knew she thought about me as well.
Yesterday I got the sad news that Toni passed away. It is like loosing a family member. I am sad that I didn't get to see her one last time. To give her a little hug or to make her laugh.
There are so many people who's lives she's touched and she will be very, very missed.
I love you Toni!!
Friday, 25 April 2008
The geeza's point of view
Well, I thought that i'd get on here and give my two penneth (cents for our American cousins) worth on the subject.
Let me start by saying that I love kids.
I've always wanted a family. It's always something that I have wanted.
Then to find out that we may never be able to have any. Well, that doesn't sit very well with me.
It is something that I have had to accept. It's not cool, but it's something I will deal with.
I think Jamie thinks that I don't care about the whole situation because I don't show much emotion. That is about a million miles from the truth. I am just trying to be strong for her.
I have a tough time being around my siblings because they all have children. It is really hard to deal with. I love me nieces and nephews, but it doesn't make it any easier.
We just have to wait for May 7th.
Let me start by saying that I love kids.
I've always wanted a family. It's always something that I have wanted.
Then to find out that we may never be able to have any. Well, that doesn't sit very well with me.
It is something that I have had to accept. It's not cool, but it's something I will deal with.
I think Jamie thinks that I don't care about the whole situation because I don't show much emotion. That is about a million miles from the truth. I am just trying to be strong for her.
I have a tough time being around my siblings because they all have children. It is really hard to deal with. I love me nieces and nephews, but it doesn't make it any easier.
We just have to wait for May 7th.
In the Begining..
Well here are the facts:
Fact - Chris and I have wanted a family since we first got married.
Fact - Nearly 2 years later ... nothing.
Fact - My doctor is concerned by my low hormone levels in my blood test.
Fact - My doctor is so concerned that she was irate when my first appointment (April 1) was NEVER re-scheduled, and then scheduled me the first appointment within a 60 mile radius.
Fact - Through some small but significant changes within myself I know there is a problem.
Fact - Chris is very supportive, although at this time we aren't at all worried about him medically.
So there are the facts - now here are my feelings and reasons for this blog.
Lately I have really struggled with my other blog - because suddenly all the things that were happening were a little to sensitive and personal for anyone to read. I love writing and have always found it a great outlet for my feelings and a great way to sort though the rubbish in my head. I also enjoy having my blog so that I can keep my friends and family posted with my life all the way over here.
This blog will be different than the other one - this one will be VERY honest and real about how I am feeling because I feel comfortable writing my deepest feelings because I trust that those reading will respect and accept those feelings. This blog will also be different because Chris will be writing too - from his perspective.
Chris and I have decided to do this blog because, maybe we are jumping the gun (1st appointment is May 7th), but this is a struggle in our lives. Second, if we do get a baby at some time we want that child to know it was desperately wanted.
Feel free to comment honestly and ask questions if you need to.
We sure love you all and are very happy and grateful for your support.
Fact - Chris and I have wanted a family since we first got married.
Fact - Nearly 2 years later ... nothing.
Fact - My doctor is concerned by my low hormone levels in my blood test.
Fact - My doctor is so concerned that she was irate when my first appointment (April 1) was NEVER re-scheduled, and then scheduled me the first appointment within a 60 mile radius.
Fact - Through some small but significant changes within myself I know there is a problem.
Fact - Chris is very supportive, although at this time we aren't at all worried about him medically.
So there are the facts - now here are my feelings and reasons for this blog.
Lately I have really struggled with my other blog - because suddenly all the things that were happening were a little to sensitive and personal for anyone to read. I love writing and have always found it a great outlet for my feelings and a great way to sort though the rubbish in my head. I also enjoy having my blog so that I can keep my friends and family posted with my life all the way over here.
This blog will be different than the other one - this one will be VERY honest and real about how I am feeling because I feel comfortable writing my deepest feelings because I trust that those reading will respect and accept those feelings. This blog will also be different because Chris will be writing too - from his perspective.
Chris and I have decided to do this blog because, maybe we are jumping the gun (1st appointment is May 7th), but this is a struggle in our lives. Second, if we do get a baby at some time we want that child to know it was desperately wanted.
Feel free to comment honestly and ask questions if you need to.
We sure love you all and are very happy and grateful for your support.
Thursday, 24 April 2008
I'm Baaaaaack.....
After a little break and trying to sort things out a little I have decided to keep this blog up, but also start another one. It is going to be about me and Chris' infertility journey. It is invite only so if you are interested please send me a message or a comment... in the mean time meet my new nephew - Tyler.
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