Experiencing a Miracle

**Just a warning… this post might be long and sentimental – so if that isn't for you, just don’t read it and come back another day for my wallpapering post. **

If you would have asked me 9 months ago, drowning in the struggle of infertility, if I would be watching my niece be born – I would have just laughed.  But, about 7 months ago, in passing, I mentioned to my sister-in-law (Naomi) that I had always wondered what it would be like to see a baby be born and was trying to come to grips that I might not ever experience it for myself – she said that I could be in there when she had her baby.  I thought that would be the end of it, but just a few days ago I found myself sitting in the dimly lit delivery room waiting for Lilly to be born.

For the whole month of June I was on tenterhooks whenever the phone rang.  I made sure I had my mobile phone with me and charged up at all times and would go to sleep at night thinking…. “Is this the night??”  I have to admit as the time of Naomi’s due date drew closer and closer I started to doubt my decision to be in the room.  I didn’t know if experiencing this in my situation would make things better or worse.  But we planned throughout her pregnancy I would be there as a helper (if needed) but mostly a spectator – and comic relief if needed.  Weeks before the birth the reality of what I would be witnessing hit me at full force and I knew I couldn’t miss it – no matter what my situation.  I would get the rare experience of seeing the birth but instead of being the one in pain, or the spouse, I could watch, feel, and soak up the experience in a way that most people cant.

Friday night (July 1st) I got a call in the morning saying that Naomi was getting contractions 30 minutes apart and I should plan on it it happening today.  Naomi was nearly 5 days overdue and was ready to have the baby.  But, the day came and went and I didn’t get any other phone calls, so I figured that like a few other times during the week, that the contractions had died down and I would just need to wait. 

At 10:00 that night I got another call – her contractions were getting closer and although I didn’t need to worry right at that moment  - she thought it would be soon.  I tried to go to sleep, knowing that I would soon be getting the call to pick her and Mark up – but couldn’t sleep (could you!?!?).  Around 12:30 AM I got a phone call saying it was time to go to the hospital.  The contractions still weren't regular but they were coming more often and Naomi would just feel better knowing how far she was.

I was instructed (by Naomi) that Naomi didn’t want any fussing about so I tried to remain as calm as possible and drive safely to the hospital (about 40 minutes away).  We would be having a joke and a laugh and then she’d have a contraction and conversation would stop, she’d casually say “There was another one.” Calm as anything.  This wasn’t like the movies – she wasn’t screaming or writing in pain.  She was calm and collected.  We even stopped at the shop to top up her mobile phone.

We got to the hospital and everyone was surprisingly calm (I am sure me and Mark were the most nervous of everyone).  We went into the HOT delivery room and waited and waited.  After every contraction Naomi would say, “Wow that was strong,” and then continue on the conversation.  Finally the midwife came in and monitored Naomi for a few minutes and said, “You have three choices:  I can check you to see where you are, You can labour for a few hours here and then I’ll check you, or because your contractions aren't regular, you can go home for a few hours.”  Naomi said she would rather be checked and Mark and I went to the hallway while she was checked - hoping that we wouldn’t have to make the drive home and risk not making it back.  By now it was about 3:00.  I could tell the contractions were getting worse but still Naomi didn’t complain – just got on with it.  We walked back into the room and Naomi said she was a 7 (?!?!?) and we weren't going anywhere – thank goodness she had the midwife check! 

From there it was a bit of a whirlwind.  Naomi hadn't had any pain relief at all (NONE) and was getting understandably uncomfortable.  She didn’t want an epidural but decided she wanted something, so the midwife sauntered in and out of the room preparing an injection for pain relief.  At this point it was about 3:25.  The midwife gave Naomi the injection and Naomi said (through gritted teeth), “When will it start working?!?!?!?”  The midwife casually replied, “10-15 minutes”.    Then things got intense.  Naomi was in a lot of pain (but, I might add – not screaming or anything – she even apologized in-between contractions to Mark for being so whiney!).  She was bent over in pain by the side of the bed and kept saying, “I am finding it really hard not to push.”  So the midwife reluctantly walked over and checked, “I can see the head!” she exclaimed – putting a bit more pep in her step she barely had time to get everything in position before Naomi let out two screams and Lilly was here – caught by the midwife and passed up to her mummy.  Naomi pushed for 3 minutes and suddenly there were 5 people in the room.  Simply amazing.

Because I was on the sidelines I could appreciate that moment.  The moment when the veil parted and a spirit entered this world – that room.  I could have all the words in the world and never be able to describe that feeling.  This tiny baby’s spirit was face to face those that inhabit heaven and now she was here.  The feeling of the room instantly changed, the veil was very, very thin and that was a feeling that I never expected to have – but it overwhelmed me and still does whenever I think about it.

Once Naomi and Lilly were safely laying on the bed, the midwife asked Mark to cut the cord and he said no so I got to do it – without hesitation.  Then we all just sat there – looking at this perfect, beautiful baby.  Naomi was a superstar going through all of that without pain meds.  I have never admired anyone as much as I did Naomi in that moment.  It gave me an understanding that I would have never had about mothers and the sacrifice they make.

Then Naomi passed her miracle to me.  I got to hold Lilly and just couldn’t stop looking at her – in awe of her perfection.

I then passed her back to her mummy and Mark and I made phone calls to family.  I had been up for HOURS and HOURS but wasn’t tired at all.

The sun started to rise as we just sat and chatted (Naomi was a bit out of it at this point because those pain meds she asked for had started working).   Talking about all the things we now found funny that we couldn’t laugh at during the labour like, Naomi apologizing, my trying to undo her bra (we both couldn’t figure out how to unclasp the nursing bit), and a lot of other things that Naomi probably wouldn’t thank me for writing.  Naomi got up to have a shower and I just held that baby. 

Not only was I a witness to an amazing miracle – in those quite moments of holding this baby some of the parts of my heart that infertility had broken – they were healed.  Everyone told me that I would find healing, somehow somewhere, through this trial of infertility – and I have found it, although not complete healing (I don’t think I will ever mend all the pieces of my broken heart) but some healing. Every time I hold her and soak in her spirit – in a way that I never have before – I feel that healing again.  And suddenly the miracle in my infertility isn't my own baby – but the tender mercies and selflessness of a brother and sister-in-law – who let me take part in the most amazing experience in my life.  Words could never explain what they have given me by letting me be a part of their experience..

The past week and half have been filled with joy for me and Chris (and I’ll admit, a twinge of sadness at my loss – I am human).  We’ve gotten to spend so much time with not only Lilly, (who Chris keeps offering to buy off Naomi and Mark) but with Madie and Georgia.  I think I speak for me and Chris when I say that our relationship with our nieces make our infertility not hurt so much.  What a blessing.

Here are some pictures from the day and this past week or so (Did I mention that Naomi was home within 12 hours of giving birth?!? ):

What I’ll Miss – English Summer

Although I am still quite far from actually coming home to America, I have noticed a change in my thinking since we got the first paperwork back.

There are a lot of things I am going to miss. Shocking, I know!

I have found myself saying, “This is the last time ____________.”

So, I think I will start writing about them, just so I can remember them and then, when I am really homesick, I can read back and remember what I loved – and there really are a lot of things.

Today though, I will miss the English Summer – something I NEVER thought I’d say. I wont miss the heat or humidity – but I will miss the seaside, the long hours of daylight, and the “holiday mentality”.

I love the seaside, if you’ve read my blog at all the last few years – you’ll know that. I love that it is like a time warp once you hit the seaside. You have the old fashioned beach chairs, .99 ice cream, kids running around – soaking wet in clothes, swimming costumes, undies, and sometimes nothing – and you know what, no one cares! They are at the beach!! On nice days (which are few and far between most summers) the beaches are packed – even if the beach is dirty or rocky – no one cares they just congregate to the beach.

The children here in England only have a summer vacation of 6 weeks and they use all that time enjoying the sun. The sun rises around 4:30 AM and it is still light around 10:30 PM. It leaves LOTS of time for people to get out and enjoy themselves – the English are great at BBQing.

The English love their holidays. They save up for them through the year and often go to hotter places like Greece or Spain. I love that this country takes time to relax an enjoy each others company. I think America should defiantly follow England's lead – I think it makes for a happier people.

I will miss the English Summer.

Name That Tune...

When I was "working" for the government, I spent a lot of time downloading songs I LOVED!  I would be sitting there day dreaming and a memory would pop into my head and inevitably it would have music associated with it. 
My high school experience has a great soundtrack full of: swing music, Broadway, punk, and alternative music. 
Whenever I think of my 2 greatest friends from life my memories often are accompanied by "In The Jungle", "Going to the Chapel", and many other 1950's era favourites and a constant stream of belly laughs!
My family life is fully of Eagles, Crosby Stills and Nash, Beatles on Saturday mornings and I can sing MANY Olivia Newton John songs all learned and recited while growing up.
My first love was full of pining away and LOTS of popular love songs often fit the situation - but the song, I Wish I Wasn't - by Heather Headly was the song that described it as if I wrote it myself.
I still remember the parts and words to so many songs I learned while in Young Women's and can even still do the sign language to one!
My relationship now started with songs about waiting and distance - even picking out a special song just for me and Chris (The Promise). Now I find that instead of enlarging my life's soundtrack - I find it more comforting and more joyful to listen to the past music of my life.
I have always had a love of music.  I took voice lessons for around 10 years and burst into song quite often during the day, having learned enough songs to link to almost any subject! I can sit in a restaurant and very often I make note to my companion that, "my dad has this CD!"  I used to play a game with my grandpa when I would visit him in St. George - he would give me a subject and I would find a song that involved that subject.  There were are few friends that would participate in "in-car" concerts with me and we would sing complete musicals in the car - and drive around just to do the whole show.
Music moves me in a way that nothing else does.  Music can move me to tears or bring me complete contentment within seconds.  Just take a moment to think about it, I dont think we realize how much it is involved in our lives.
So, what are some songs that are in your life's soundtrack??

We'll Miss You!!

Isn't it nice when you meet someone that you automatically "click" with?  Someone who takes care of you and makes sure you are okay? 
This happened to me when I started working for the State of Utah.  I was scared and shy and awkward.  Almost right from the start a lovely older woman called Toni took me under her wing.  She let me bother her with question after question... and always provided me with at safe place to fall at work - along with a drawer full of candy.  She treated me and the other girls on our team like daughters.  And it wasn't just us that she took care of - she seemed to know everyone and everyone LOVED her.  When co-workers would have babies she would shower them with gifts and proudly display their pictures all around her office. 

Toni became a reason to go to work, even when things were horrible.   A few years ago Toni asked me to go on a vacation with her and her husband to Disneyland.  This was quite an offer.  I knew she was scared to death to fly and felt quite flattered that she was going to use me to make her feel more comfortable.  I remember her squeezing my hand as we were taking off.  We got to Disneyland and had a great time.  I felt like a child on a dream trip!

Once our office team was split up and all of us went our different ways - I was sad to loose that daily contact with Toni.  But, was always happy to receive her sweet emails and forwards.  I knew she was always there if I needed her, and I knew she thought about me as well.
Yesterday I got the sad news that Toni passed away.  It is like loosing a family member.  I am sad that I didn't get to see her one last time.  To give her a little hug or to make her laugh. 
There are so many people who's lives she's touched and she will be very, very missed.
I love you Toni!!

In Retrospect...

I have a lovely family.  My youngest sister is going to be graduating from High School this June. I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  Thinking about what was going on when I graduated from High School, who I was friends with and who my held my heart, and thinking about what advice, if any, I would have wanted or taken.  Thinking of such advice has led me on a long, thought provoking walk down "memory lane".  I have had so many different feelings and thoughts these past few days I struggle to put them in a blog, because some of them seem deeply personal to me.  It has been quite fun to remember some of the things that I did that I really enjoyed and it has been quite refreshing to re-read through journal entries and realize that some of the pain I went though, that at the time I didn't think would EVER dull, has.  It has also given me the reassurance that I am a lot stronger than I often give myself credit for.  But, I have learned that the knowledge of strength is something that only comes AFTER the situation.
I know this entry is vague, but I just didn't want you to think I have forgotten about you Internet -- more interesting blogs to come.

Who says time flies?

Hello Internet...
I passed a HUGE anniversary just this weekend.  I didn't get any cards or presents - no one even noticed or said one thing - NOT EVEN MY OWN HUSBAND.   But it was a big deal, to me. 
The reason it was such a big deal was, because at times I thought I'd never make it to this anniversary - month after month I said to myself "It will get better..." and sometimes it did, but sometimes it didn't.  Sometimes I was ready to call it quits and didn't care if I ever reached this anniversary because I liked things the way they were before.  That being said, sometimes I was so in love that the anniversary seemed to sneak up on me without warning or trouble.
I have a pair of shoes that I used to wear that remind me of my anniversary.  When I first started out they were new, blindingly white and not too comfortable... and now???

I wore these shoes on my wedding day, but that isn't the anniversary I am talking about.
I also wore these shoes when I stepped onto a plane that would take me to England, these shoes were on my feet when I took my first steps on English soil - not as a visitor - but as a resident.  I wore these shoes when I took all of my belongings and put them into a caravan to live.  I was wearing them when I walked through London and York and Newcastle.  I wore these shoes when I first drove my own English car, on the wrong side of the road.  I wore this shoes to really great days out and on really hard days in.
They are no longer new, white or uncomfortable... these shoes are me after a year in England.
I am not longer that person who put those shoes on, on my wedding day.  I have lived in England.  I am no longer white with in-experience I am a little worn for the wear but I am also comfortable, more comfortable than I was a year ago.
So Happy Anniversary to Jamie and England... here's to the tears and the laughter the sadness and the joy and here's to many more years together!

525,600 Minutes... How do you Measure a Year?

Most people choose to think about the events of the last year on an important date, you know, New Years, Birthdays (themselves or their children), Christmas... ohhhh not me - I choose to break tradition and ponder on the dealings of last year on July 19th.  The date actually does means something to me, it was the time I first ever met or chatted with Chris.  As I sat and read the conversation we had a year ago - I got to thinking about how much our relationship had changed in a year and then I thought - what else has happened.... thus the post.

I decided to make a list to start with of things that have happened for me from July to July:

Trips I've Taken: 4

Times I've Twisted my Ankle: 2 

Weddings I've Attended (happily or otherwise): 4 

Babies Born (not mine!!!!): 3

Engagements (my own): 1

Break-ups (my own): 1

Therapists: 2

Different Kinds of Churches Attended (other than LDS): 3

Deaths: 1

Musicals I've Seen:  12 - that I can remember...

So then, at the rate of sounding like a real "RENThead", How do you measure a year?  Should I measure mine in heartache or happiness, love lost or love gained, trips or musicals?

I cant believe it's been a year since I first talked with Chris...      

In the Good Old Days...

If you'll indulge me for a few minutes I've been thinking today about "The Good Old Days".... I sound old when I say it, and really for me those days were only about 10 years ago (TEN YEARS?!!?).  Is this how life goes?  One day you're 14 and in love with the lead of Bye Bye Birdie and the next thing you know you are trying to decide who to marry, where to live and what you want to do with the rest of your life.  I remember people saying once you have kids your time just flys by - but for me, a single girl without kids, time is going pretty fast too.  So I started thinking what was it about my life 10 years ago that made them merrit the phrase "Good Old Days"?  I came up with a list.... (check the photo file labled "Good Old Days to see what I'm talking about - or to realize just how much we've aged!)

1.  Being in love with not just one man, but five... NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!!  I remember I liked Jonathan Knight the best because everyone else was in love with Jordan - his brother, and I felt a little sorry for him.  I think the first time that the guilt started was at Amanda's birthday party we had cupcakes with the New Kids names on them and no one wanted a Jonathan one.   I remember being heartbroken, when in protest to my mother, I tore up my poster of the group - a poster that, I am not ashamed to admit, I had kissed  many times.  After I realized what I had done I sat on my bed and cried.

2.   Walking down to Reams and thinking it made me "almost grown up".  I loved the whole idea that I would save my money and could take my change and go buy the newest kind of .10 candy they had.  This whole idea is pretty funny considering that I live closer to a Smiths now (I always drive) and I HATE spending any money at the grocery store - who needs milk when you can buy shoes???   

3.  The biggest "money trouble" we had was trying to find enough change in Abbie's couch to pay the pizza guy for the Stuffed Crust Pizza we ordered.

4.  Quarters.... The game, although having money quarters was good too... 

"Oh spirit of the dead, were you killed???" "Derick it landed on heads!!!  She was killed and she needs us to solve the mystery - which we can do - just by flipping this quarter on the tramp!"

5.  The biggest "fashion trend" was waking up each morning and wondering what pair of socks would look good rolled up with my teal socks, and then putting on my jeans - pinching them at the bottom and then rolling them up too - so my teal and, more than likely, purple socks showed.

6.  The newest "technology" was working the "freeze frame" button on Abbies remote so we could watch Casper or The Sandlot while still drooling over such "hotties" as Devon Sawa and Mike Vitar.  Looking and them now and rememering how much I lusted after them, I feel a little like a pervert, or Demi Moore.

And now we are busy with real money, real games, real fashion and real adulthood.   Are the next 10 years going to fly by as fast?  Am I going to be 34 (almost 35 *cringe*) and look back and think - ah... I remember the Good Old Days - and actually find out the Good Old Days - are right now!