Countdown to Christmas Day(s) 8 and 9

I know, I forgot a picture yesterday – well I didn't really forget, there just wasn't anything too memorable that happened yesterday.  Rain, Waiting in the Car,  Rain, Cold, Still Waiting, etc.  Anyway…  I will make up for it today with 4, yes 4 pictures!

The twins and I were invited to a cookie decorating party today, thrown by a lovely Sister from church.  Because we go to church near the American Base, I am lucky enough to have started to meet and make friends with some amazing women – who happen to be American – who happen to do “American” things like throw cookie decorating parties.

We had such a good time.  The twins couldn't stop talking about it and I had a really nice time getting to know the women better.  The best thing about it was, that I was invited to the party before she even knew that I was looking after the twins.  That might not be a big deal to most, but as someone who has been excluded from lots of family and church things here in England because of my lack of children – it really made me feel good that I was invited to a child based event – EVEN THOUGH I DIDNT HAVE CHILDREN! SHOCKING!  It feels so nice to be included as a friend, not excluded because of my infertility.

Anyway…. (I could say a LOT more but, I’ll leave it – seeing that this a public blog).  Here are some of the pictures:

There were so many cookies – gingerbread and sugar cookies and lots of fun decorations!

“M” and I decided to be twins and she got the reindeer clips for her hair and I got matching earrings (lucky me!).

Keeping with the “American” feel of the day, We got back to the twins house and I put on FM100 – Here it is playing one of my favourite cheesy Christmas songs – “Hey Sannna” (That is how they said it in Utah).

Here is “M”’s Lego nativity.  Pretty creative, I’d say!

Today was such a fun day.  It has been really hard this Christmas to be away from family – but making new friends who I have a lot in common with both religiously and culturally (I realize now how much I’ve missed being around fellow Americans) really cheered me up and has been a great highlight of this year’s Christmas.

Countdown to Christmas Day 4

Babysitting again today – we finished our clay craft from Tuesday.  We made Christmas tree’s in the clay with thumb prints and painted them.

My clay project was a bit more simple.  I love the story of the Forgotten Carols and it became a tradition to go and see the show every Christmas, until I moved to England.  I really miss seeing it every year but, I have the DVD and the children's book (and the necklace, and the decorations, and the CD).  I have gone through phases of loving different carols for different reasons, but this year the carol – Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby – really hit home:

Mary let me hold her baby
Her newborn son
Though I'd never be a mother
I felt like one

Mary let me hold her baby
So she could rest
And ever since that night
I held Him
My life's been blessed

Those like me
who can't have children
Still can be mothers
Something in His eyes
convinced me
I could serve so many others

Mary let me hold her baby
So soft and warm
Mary let me hold her baby
And I was reborn

Something in His eyes
convinced me
I could serve so many others

Mary let me hold her baby
So soft and warm
Mary let me hold her baby
And I was reborn

Each carol has a special ornament and this one is just a simple rag that the baby was wrapped in.  So that was my craft – an ornament for my tree of a simple white rag, to remind me of the song and the message of the song.

Experiencing a Miracle

**Just a warning… this post might be long and sentimental – so if that isn't for you, just don’t read it and come back another day for my wallpapering post. **

If you would have asked me 9 months ago, drowning in the struggle of infertility, if I would be watching my niece be born – I would have just laughed.  But, about 7 months ago, in passing, I mentioned to my sister-in-law (Naomi) that I had always wondered what it would be like to see a baby be born and was trying to come to grips that I might not ever experience it for myself – she said that I could be in there when she had her baby.  I thought that would be the end of it, but just a few days ago I found myself sitting in the dimly lit delivery room waiting for Lilly to be born.

For the whole month of June I was on tenterhooks whenever the phone rang.  I made sure I had my mobile phone with me and charged up at all times and would go to sleep at night thinking…. “Is this the night??”  I have to admit as the time of Naomi’s due date drew closer and closer I started to doubt my decision to be in the room.  I didn’t know if experiencing this in my situation would make things better or worse.  But we planned throughout her pregnancy I would be there as a helper (if needed) but mostly a spectator – and comic relief if needed.  Weeks before the birth the reality of what I would be witnessing hit me at full force and I knew I couldn’t miss it – no matter what my situation.  I would get the rare experience of seeing the birth but instead of being the one in pain, or the spouse, I could watch, feel, and soak up the experience in a way that most people cant.

Friday night (July 1st) I got a call in the morning saying that Naomi was getting contractions 30 minutes apart and I should plan on it it happening today.  Naomi was nearly 5 days overdue and was ready to have the baby.  But, the day came and went and I didn’t get any other phone calls, so I figured that like a few other times during the week, that the contractions had died down and I would just need to wait. 

At 10:00 that night I got another call – her contractions were getting closer and although I didn’t need to worry right at that moment  - she thought it would be soon.  I tried to go to sleep, knowing that I would soon be getting the call to pick her and Mark up – but couldn’t sleep (could you!?!?).  Around 12:30 AM I got a phone call saying it was time to go to the hospital.  The contractions still weren't regular but they were coming more often and Naomi would just feel better knowing how far she was.

I was instructed (by Naomi) that Naomi didn’t want any fussing about so I tried to remain as calm as possible and drive safely to the hospital (about 40 minutes away).  We would be having a joke and a laugh and then she’d have a contraction and conversation would stop, she’d casually say “There was another one.” Calm as anything.  This wasn’t like the movies – she wasn’t screaming or writing in pain.  She was calm and collected.  We even stopped at the shop to top up her mobile phone.

We got to the hospital and everyone was surprisingly calm (I am sure me and Mark were the most nervous of everyone).  We went into the HOT delivery room and waited and waited.  After every contraction Naomi would say, “Wow that was strong,” and then continue on the conversation.  Finally the midwife came in and monitored Naomi for a few minutes and said, “You have three choices:  I can check you to see where you are, You can labour for a few hours here and then I’ll check you, or because your contractions aren't regular, you can go home for a few hours.”  Naomi said she would rather be checked and Mark and I went to the hallway while she was checked - hoping that we wouldn’t have to make the drive home and risk not making it back.  By now it was about 3:00.  I could tell the contractions were getting worse but still Naomi didn’t complain – just got on with it.  We walked back into the room and Naomi said she was a 7 (?!?!?) and we weren't going anywhere – thank goodness she had the midwife check! 

From there it was a bit of a whirlwind.  Naomi hadn't had any pain relief at all (NONE) and was getting understandably uncomfortable.  She didn’t want an epidural but decided she wanted something, so the midwife sauntered in and out of the room preparing an injection for pain relief.  At this point it was about 3:25.  The midwife gave Naomi the injection and Naomi said (through gritted teeth), “When will it start working?!?!?!?”  The midwife casually replied, “10-15 minutes”.    Then things got intense.  Naomi was in a lot of pain (but, I might add – not screaming or anything – she even apologized in-between contractions to Mark for being so whiney!).  She was bent over in pain by the side of the bed and kept saying, “I am finding it really hard not to push.”  So the midwife reluctantly walked over and checked, “I can see the head!” she exclaimed – putting a bit more pep in her step she barely had time to get everything in position before Naomi let out two screams and Lilly was here – caught by the midwife and passed up to her mummy.  Naomi pushed for 3 minutes and suddenly there were 5 people in the room.  Simply amazing.

Because I was on the sidelines I could appreciate that moment.  The moment when the veil parted and a spirit entered this world – that room.  I could have all the words in the world and never be able to describe that feeling.  This tiny baby’s spirit was face to face those that inhabit heaven and now she was here.  The feeling of the room instantly changed, the veil was very, very thin and that was a feeling that I never expected to have – but it overwhelmed me and still does whenever I think about it.

Once Naomi and Lilly were safely laying on the bed, the midwife asked Mark to cut the cord and he said no so I got to do it – without hesitation.  Then we all just sat there – looking at this perfect, beautiful baby.  Naomi was a superstar going through all of that without pain meds.  I have never admired anyone as much as I did Naomi in that moment.  It gave me an understanding that I would have never had about mothers and the sacrifice they make.

Then Naomi passed her miracle to me.  I got to hold Lilly and just couldn’t stop looking at her – in awe of her perfection.

I then passed her back to her mummy and Mark and I made phone calls to family.  I had been up for HOURS and HOURS but wasn’t tired at all.

The sun started to rise as we just sat and chatted (Naomi was a bit out of it at this point because those pain meds she asked for had started working).   Talking about all the things we now found funny that we couldn’t laugh at during the labour like, Naomi apologizing, my trying to undo her bra (we both couldn’t figure out how to unclasp the nursing bit), and a lot of other things that Naomi probably wouldn’t thank me for writing.  Naomi got up to have a shower and I just held that baby. 

Not only was I a witness to an amazing miracle – in those quite moments of holding this baby some of the parts of my heart that infertility had broken – they were healed.  Everyone told me that I would find healing, somehow somewhere, through this trial of infertility – and I have found it, although not complete healing (I don’t think I will ever mend all the pieces of my broken heart) but some healing. Every time I hold her and soak in her spirit – in a way that I never have before – I feel that healing again.  And suddenly the miracle in my infertility isn't my own baby – but the tender mercies and selflessness of a brother and sister-in-law – who let me take part in the most amazing experience in my life.  Words could never explain what they have given me by letting me be a part of their experience..

The past week and half have been filled with joy for me and Chris (and I’ll admit, a twinge of sadness at my loss – I am human).  We’ve gotten to spend so much time with not only Lilly, (who Chris keeps offering to buy off Naomi and Mark) but with Madie and Georgia.  I think I speak for me and Chris when I say that our relationship with our nieces make our infertility not hurt so much.  What a blessing.

Here are some pictures from the day and this past week or so (Did I mention that Naomi was home within 12 hours of giving birth?!? ):

More To Life?

A month or so ago, I found out that a charity for infertility here in England was going to have an event for those living with involuntary childlessness – without thinking of any of the details I booked and paid for my space.

This last Saturday was the day.  Chris and I got got train tickets to London and planned on me going to the seminar and Chris finding something else to do while I was there (read: traveling around London on the Tube).

Before it started Chris and I went to the British Museum so I could have an up close and personal look at the Benin Bronzes – the subject of my latest 1500 word essay for University.  I was not disappointed!  It was quite amazing to see something like that in person (although I’ve been to the museum several times before, this was the first time I had STUDIED something there).

But the most important thing that happened that day was the More to Life seminar.  I am not very open on this blog about my struggles with infertility – not because I am embarrassed or ashamed, but because it is deeply personal and still extremely painful.

The whole seminar was about living your best, happiest life without children *gasp* is that possible!?!?

I must admit I was a bit hesitant and when I walked into the building and was greeted by several very kind women, I sat there on my own shocked by the realization that – I was there, I was at a seminar about living life without children, me, someone who everyone thought would have the most children, the nanny, I was there.  I looked around and saw women of all ages and races and had the thought, how lovely each of these women know exactly how I feel.

You see, I have a husband and family and friends who are incredibly supportive of me – but none of them REALLY know how I feel. 

They don't know the dread every time I hear a pregnancy announcement, they don't know how it feels to love nieces and nephews but sometimes cant be around them because it is too hard.  They don't know how I feel less of a woman because I cant give my husband the title father and my parents the title grandparents.  But these women did!!!  The speakers knew all  of these things, and by them acknowledging them made me feel more human and sane – because sometimes the thoughts that enter my head when it comes to my lack of children, make me feel like I am slightly crazy or excessive in my anger or sadness – but I’m not – I AM NORMAL!!!

Then the breakthrough of the day happened when I was given permission to find GOOD things about not having children, permission to change my thinking, permission to feel sad that I cant have children but also feel happy that I don't have to pay for them and loose sleep for them.   THIS WAS AMAZING!!!  All these years (and especially the last one) I was walking around thinking of all the things I didn't have because I didn't have children, but after Saturday I am slowly beginning to think of all the things I do have or CAN have because I DONT.

Does this mean my desire for having a child is gone? NO, absolutely not – but it does mean that I can heal, that I can eventually find happiness in my childlessness.

After the seminar I met up with Chris and we went to his old stomping ground in London and went for Chinese.  As we were sitting there waiting for our food, I saw a cute little family walk in – and I thought, “awwwww I wish I had kids.”  Then as I watched them struggle with the kids and have to take turns taking them to the toilet, my next thought was, “wow, that looks like hard work, I am glad it is just me and Chris.”  Guess what?  I didn't feel bad about thinking that either – and I think that is progress!

Thanks to More To Life, I have a different outlook on my childlessness and it is refreshing and surprising and hopeful!

Still Here

Hello Internet… I am still here.
Some days (like today) I am not totally emotionally here – but I am “hanging in there”.
I think though, that I should give everyone a bit of an update of how I am doing and what has happened.  Part of the reason I haven't it because I am struggling with how much info to give on such a public forum – but I do realize people want to know – and maybe someone can be helped by what I am dealing with.

*  April 20th I went in for keyhole surgery to burn out some endometriosis (stage 5 – the worst).
*  They made an incision in my belly button (I HATE that fact) and one on the side of my stomach.
*  Because they were having problems keeping me breathing and because the Dr. cut a cyst and I started bleeding quite badly (loosing 1.5 litres of blood) they decided to do an open C-Section type cut.
*  They stopped the bleeding and decided to remove the left ovary and tube.  The managed to disconnect the bowel from the uterus and clear up most of the endo and put in a drain and close me up.
*  They also found that there was significant scaring and endo on my right tube – thus making me chances of naturally conceiving at about 0%.
*  I was in the hospital for 4 days.  They were HARD and very painful days.
*  When I got home I couldn't eat anything (really nauseous) and started to get an infection.  We called the on call doctor and he came to the house, checked me out, and gave me some antibiotics.
*  I continued to progress well.  I was very well taken care of from people in the Church (my Visiting Teacher is a Nurse).  Chris took very good care of me as well.
*  Three weeks into healing I was driving, attending church, cleaning, walking, etc. 
I consider myself so very, very blessed (despite the outcome).   One night in particular I was really worried about getting a blood clot (I have been wearing anti-embolism stockings for nearly 6 weeks now 24/7).  I just prayed that I could relax and rest.  I finally drifted off to sleep and the next morning when I woke up – I was so thankful – thankful that I had actually woken up, that I was feeling progressively better, and that nothing worse had happened to me in the surgery.
Now, to say that this whole thing has been easy would be a complete lie.  It was easy to push away the implications of the surgery when I was focused on recovery, when some days my goal was just to sit up for 30 minutes.  Now, that I am nearly fully recovered physically – I have found that emotionally I have a LONG way to go.
I am sure there will be more posts about infertility in the days and weeks to come. 
I must say, thank you – thank you to everyone who has reached out to me via cards, emails, Facebook, etc.  This whole thing has been so hard to go through so far away – and the lack of support on this end, from most (but not all), has been more than disappointing.  Your prayers, thoughts, and support have helped in ways that you will never know.  Thank you…. 

Mothers Day: Part 2

Sunday is the second Mothers Day that I get/have to celebrate.  England and America celebrate them on different days – if I were a mother I’d be quite pleased and make sure I celebrated BOTH, but since I am not a mother every Mothers Day is very hard for me.
I wrote about this on my babystepstobaby blog, and, after my surgery happened upon it quite by accident.  What a blessing it was to find it and read it!  I thought I would re-post it (since right now I don't think I could have such a positive attitude). 
                                * * * * *
When I was about 20 and attending Young Adults in my home ward, we were asked to put together the yearly Mothers Day program for Sacrament Meeting. I was asked to do a talk about mothers. Simple enough right? But it wasn't simple. During the weeks before my talk I couldn't shake a conference talk from mind by Sheri Dew called: Are We Not All Mothers? I felt drawn to give that talk because I felt a certain empathy for those women in the ward who were not mothers. Not understanding completely why I was compelled to base my talk on that, I followed my feelings and did base my talk on every woman being a mother and being called to help the children that surround her, whether her own or others. Little did I know at that point in my life, that nearly 10 years later I would be one of those women I had such an affinity for.

And now, how I struggle to remember the message I wanted to give to those women!
Luckily, I am surrounded (not figuratively but emotionally) by supportive women who remind me that I can strive to possess those qualities that mothers have.
As I look back at my adult life I can see how special opportunities have been put in my way to work on those qualities and, I have had the unique opportunity to be as close to being a mother as possible, without giving birth. There was wisdom in Gods plan of having me support a friend through adoption. There was wisdom in having friends who had babies first and me being able to support them and be someone they called on when they needed help. There was absolute wisdom in the answer of many prayers (not just mine) of my greatest opportunity to be a nanny for 5 beautiful children whom I loved as much as I could, and subsequently found an amazing friend through that experience, along with a lot of other inspiring people during that time.

I felt that when I left my nanny job, my next step would be having children of my own. Of course, that was what I thought - newly married with an ideal life ahead of me. Little did I know that my "ideal life" was not to be had.
Years went by and no baby came - somehow in my grieving for that dream I had forgotten that I had the ability to love like a mother. Up until just a few days ago, I forgot about that talk that I had felt so prompted to share. I was as good of an auntie as I could be to my gorgeous nieces and nephews but there was a huge amount of detaching myself from them, because they represented my failings as a woman and mother.

But then God provided me with some tender mercies that have struck my heart.

Spending time with my newest niece, Madie (*2 months old), and having her mom allow me to comfort her - and being able to sooth her, unlike some of the other mothers in the room, conference - and being told that if I was living a righteous life I had no reason to complain about trials,
and an amazing email from a special friend that comforted me in ways nothing else could - and helped me remember how I used to feel about children.

And finally today, my sister in law asked me to go with her to get her baby her vaccinations. She doesn't like to be in there when she gets the shots (usually her husband goes) and she asked me, someone who has no children, and trusted me enough with the baby to be the one to take her.
As I sat there with the small child on my lap, and as she got her shots and cried, but quieted down as soon as I cuddled her and held her in my arms - all those feeling came shooting back to me - I may never have children of my own - but I have the unique opportunity of being a mother to several different children - of that I am grateful and I can never be thankful enough for a moment of inspiration nearly 10 years ago - of the opportunity of giving myself something I really needed now – hope.
*Written 08 April 2009
As this Mothers Day comes and goes I am so proud and grateful for the examples of good mothers in my life.  But, maybe you could spend a minute on Sunday, and look around, maybe there is someone who is aching for a child – a kind word or hug – could help more than you’d ever know.

Here I Am…

Hello Readers.  I am still alive (thank goodness).  As you may or may not know, I am recovering (slowly) from surgery.  As much as I am healing physically, I am also trying to heal emotionally, as the surgery didn't go how we thought it would.  I will update more when I feel better (or when I can sit on a chair for long enough to type a post).  Please watch the video below – it puts into words how I feel and what I am dealing with.
Be back soon!

P.S. I couldn't be more blessed from the outpouring of support from my friends and family (mostly thousands of miles away).  And, just so you know, I have never been offended by anything any of these sweet people have said to me.

My OTHER Blog

Hello Internet!  I just wanted to let you know that I've updated my other blog.  For those of you who dont know what it is about, it is about me and Chris' struggle with infertility.  It is a private blog but I would love to share it with those of you who are interested and who care about what is going on in my life, on a more personal level.  If you want to read it please email me, leave a comment, or leave a message and I will send you an invite.