Wow, Its About Time for an Update!

Hello Friends!  After blowing the proverbial layer of dust off my blog, I figured it was about time to update.  To be fair, I haven't had much to update about but, I did have an appointment this last week and now have something to write about.

The appointment was on the 28th.  Chris and I got ready and got there on time only to find out the hospital appointment was at 1:00 but, Fiona (the nurse) was expecting us at 12:30.  She wasn't too happy that we were late but saw us anyway.

She started out by giving us all the test results.  We went over mine first, and they were all fine.  Lets see… Immune to Rubella, no Diabetes, no hormone imbalances, and ovaries full of perfectly healthy eggs.  That was a huge relief to start with.  She told us Chris’ sample results which were more than fine, they were excellent – so he wont have to do anymore samples, she seems content that any infertility isn't on his part.  They usually do 2 samples from the male and if they are alright then they leave it at that.

This was good news, nothing is obviously wrong – but it is bad news too.  If nothing is wrong why am I not getting pregnant???  It means more tests and no easy answers.

She said Dr. R looked through my notes and said, aside from the fertility stuff, that it looked like I was anaemic (thanks to the celiac) and also had a syndrome called Gilbert Syndrome.  Fiona then proceeded to tell me that she didn't know what it was.  My mind started racing, thinking – I cant do it, I cant have another health problem. 

Fiona then proceeded to tell me what our next steps are.  She said that they want to do some exploratory surgery.  Dr. R said there was some fluid in my uterus and that could be a sign of a blocked Fallopian tubes.  Then she said what I figured she would – Jamie, you need to loose weight before we do the surgery. 

This is a sore spot to me – I know that I need to loose weight, but, I don't think my weight should be a roadblock to surgery.  The pressure put upon me by Fiona is immense and the pressure put upon me by myself is even bigger. 

My next appointment is more than a month away.  I have a big chunk of time to loose some weight to let Fiona know that I am serious.  I do want a baby, but more than that I want less painful periods and to feel healthy.  I don't want Fiona to give up on me and I don't want my weight to be the reason I cant be a mother, Chris cant be a Father and just as importantly my parents cant be Grandparents (that is a whole other post in itself).

Fiona referred me and Chris to a specialized weight loss clinic that has supposedly produced great results, that will be helpful.

I got home from the appointment and immediately looked online for Gilberts Syndrome.  It is a non-health threatening syndrome where your liver doesn't take the yellow out of your blood, so apparently sometimes if I am stressed, dehydrated, or ill I will look a little yellow.  What a blessing that it is nothing serious.

So now we wait and I work.  I work on finding the motivation to loose some weight, to start on my gluten free diet, and to make my health a priority.  Hopefully that will lead to more answers and some solutions.  Hopefully.

A New Start

Hello Friends I didn't want to leave you hangin’ about the appointment yesterday so here is the update:

The appointment went really well yesterday. We got to the hospital on time (barely). I was weighted (AHHHHH) and measured and told so wait for the nurse to see me. I knew that I wouldn't be seeing the doctor today because my letter from the hospital told me that I would be meeting with the nurse for an hour appointment. I was really hesitant about this because I didn't think anything would be accomplished (what could a nurse tell me?). Chris and I were waiting and waiting and the nurse (called Fiona) came out of the office several times to tell me that she was reading my notes and would be with me as soon as possible. I was impressed immediately with her friendliness. After waiting for about a half an hour she ushered us into her office.

Once in her office we were greeted with walls full of pictures of babies, the light smell of roses, and calming classical music playing in the background. I was immediately calmed and filled with quiet confidence. It was a stark contrast to our appointment in Kings Lynn already. She told us that she had hundreds of questions to ask me and 50 to ask Chris.

She started asked me about my cycle and said that both the Dr.’s in Kings Lynn and Dr. M had put in the notes that I had irregular cycles but when she looked at my nearly 3 year record (yes I have kept meticulous track for nearly 3 years) she found that my cycle was just fine and that it was well within the parameters of a “normal” cycle.

She looked at my scan notes and said that I did have PCOS for sure because there was evidence of cysts on both sides of my ovaries. She says 1 in 6 women have cysts on their ovaries and that they only become a problem when the cysts stop ovulation, and for me they haven't, so the PCOS isn't the cause of the problems. She did see the mass in my uterus. She said she is fairly confident that is isn't a fibroid or a tumour or anything of that sort. She said that it isn't rare to have fluid in the back of the uterus after a cycle or it could show that the fallopian tubes are blocked (which would cause infertility). That will all be explored at a later date.

As far as “the sample” we were finally able to get some answers! I can honestly say that this was the source of a lot of my anxiety concerning the appointment. It was all good news. Fiona said that in the sample there were around 200 million little guys and that 70% were alive and that 5% were usable (normal is 8%). She said with the higher amount (his sample had well over the average) that the 5% was totally fine and that everything seemed alright. She told Chris he would have to do another sample because, unlike women, male fertility can change quite quickly so they like to have 2 samples to compare. His appointment to take it in is on the 8th of July. Hearing those results were a HUGE relief. Male Factor infertility is a lot harder to fix.

I continued to tell Fiona about my history. She was quite confused at the course of action that Kings Lynn took in my treatment. She said that they NEVER should have put me on the Provera, especially with my cycle. It makes me realize and, reaffirms that it was the right decision to find someone else besides Kings Lynn to help.

So the course of action now is:

Chris:

Sample on the 8th of July

Jamie:

Chlamydia screening

Blood test on days 21, 28, and 35 of my cycle (to see if I am, in fact, ovulating)

Blood tests for hormone levels (5 tests in all)

Blood test to see if I am Rubella Immune (important to know for pregnancy)

Blood test for Glucose and Lipids

I am really pleased at the course Fiona is taking things. I am glad that she is testing me for everything possible. She said because I have such painful periods that Endometriosis is definitely an option (especially since my sister has had it and it is hereditary) and possibly a check on my fallopian tubes.

She could tell how frustrated I was with the whole situation and was so supportive saying, “We’ll get to the bottom of it” and “We will figure out what’s wrong” several times during the appointment.

The appointment was nearly finished and then the subject that I KNEW was coming was brought up,

“Now we need to talk about your weight.”

She said that my weight was not an issue in my fertility because it wasn't stopping me from ovulating. She continued to tell us that the government does a confidential report each year about mother and infant deaths in childbirth. She says they have found that women who have a BMI over 40% are at increased risk for complications including stroke, high blood pressure, and death. That children born to mothers with that BMI are at increased risk for birth defects and death.

Fiona said that I had a BMI of 41% (no, I am not afraid to say it – ashamed, but not afraid) and asked if I was willing to take those risks, to go through everything and then loose the baby. Then she turned to Chris and asked if it was worth us getting pregnant right now if the end result was a paralyzed wife from stroke or worse. We agreed that it wasn't worth the risk. She gave me some options for weight loss (Weight Watchers and stuff like that). I make excuses and said we didn't have the money and she said, “Diapers cost more a week than a weekly membership – it is a matter of figuring out your priorities.” She also told us that in the meantime that we should NOT get pregnant and to use precautions. She said she was sure it sounded strange coming from a fertility clinic but that it wouldn't be safe to get pregnant right now.

Chris and I left the office, especially me, filled with hope and thankfulness that we finally seemed to find someone who is going to help. Fiona told us she’d get us her next appointment (end of July probably).

The appointment has left me with so many thoughts in my head about my desire to have a baby vs. my weight. I wasn't insulted or upset at how Fiona broached the subject. It was in such a concerned way and serious way that I knew it wasn't a personal attack or a way for the NHS to save money.

I know that my weight has gotten out of control and I always knew in my heart that I wouldn't want to get pregnant at this weight. So now where do I go from here? That is a good question. I think it is going to take a lot of commitment, because it isn't going to be easy – but, like my mom said last night, I need to imagine holding my little baby in my arms and it will make it all worth it.

Needless to say this blog, I am sure, will take on different form now that I know what I need to do about weight loss but also finally being able to get some answers.

As always, I am glad for the support and will ask for that support to continue as we take the next step in the journey.

The Day Before the Appointment

Hello friends.  I just thought I would put a little update on here.  Chris and I have our fertility appointment tomorrow at 2:30.  We fought for this appointment and have waited over a year now since the other horrible appointment.  I am strangely calm but, I know, that tomorrow I will be nervous.  Tomorrow we get the results of Chris’ sample, which is good news – but, I am also going to have to fight my corner in regards to the results of the internal scan.  I have been told my Dr. M (my GP) that I should be put on Metformin to help with weight loss and to regulate my blood sugars.  By getting those under control my hormones might settle a bit (a side effect of PSOS) thus, helping with ovulation.  Whatever happens at least we’ll get some answers.  We’ll see where we are in regards of the Male Factor Fertility and get started on fixing the problems with mine.

Tomorrow, whatever the outcome, will be life changing for me, Chris, and our future family – I just hope I have, or can find, the strength to accept the outcome.

Just Around the Corner

Hello Dear Friends!!  I just wanted to write a entry letting you know where I am at right now as far as the doctors, NHS and my fertility.

Chris and I are finally looking forward to starting the journey again, and getting some answers.  We have an appointment on the 3rd of June in Peterborough.  We aren't going to be meeting with a doctor or consultant (as they call them here in England) just a fertility nurse.  This title makes me quite nervous because we’ve waited so long to speak to someone who knows what they are talking about and I don't know if a nurse will.  We are hoping to hear the results of Chris’ test and also are interested to see what direction they’ll go. 

In the back of my mind I know that my notes say there are only cysts on my right ovaries and when I got the scan back in October they said there was a big mass on the left side of my uterus.  I am mentally preparing myself to fight my corner and be prepared for another internal scan.  I don't care what they have to do – internal scan, sure – exploratory surgery, fine – hormone meds, okay -  I just want to be started on the road, no matter the direction.

In my heart I feel like this appointment will give me not only a sense of progress, but on the flip side will give me more to worry about.  I haven't worried about Chris’ results too much or worried about the “mass”… until now.

Luckily at least, no matter what we find out, we’ll have some answers.  I just hope it doesn't turn out like the appointment in Kings Lynn. 

The End of My Rope

I feel like I have no good news to ever put on this blog...

Today Chris woke up at 8:00 and started calling the doctors office. He tried for 25 minutes without getting through and when he finally did get a person and not a busy signal - all of Dr. M's appointments were full for the day.

We were told to call again tomorrow morning. Chris just asked if Dr. M could call him and tell him the test results. The receptionist said yes, she'd have her call at the end of her morning appointments. 1:00 came around and we still hadn't had a call and so Chris called again. The receptionist said she'd have Dr. M call "in a minute" so we waited.... and waited.... and about 45 minutes later Dr. M called.

Chris answered it and asked for his results. She said she didn't understand them so I need to call Mr. R (the fertility specialist) to get the results. Chris asked if she had made me an appointment with Mr. R and she said no, I'd have to call and speak to the secretary.

So I called Mr. R, knowing he had no idea who I was since he's never worked with me before. I was told I couldn't talk to him I needed to talk to his secretary. I called her and she is on holiday until tomorrow.

Once I finally get a hold of her, I am sure I wont get the results over the phone, I'll have to get an appointment which is usually about a months wait - and that is positive thinking (even though I was told that since we were working through Peterborough and not Kings Lynn it should be faster, I wont hold my breath).

It is becoming increasingly frustrating. I keep hoping for that "light at the end of the tunnel" but cant seem to get to it.

At this point I just want some answers - What is wrong with me physically? Is something wrong with Chris? Can I get pregnant? Is it something that can be fixed? Something that cant? I just want to know. I know that the answers to some of those questions might be the end of some of our options, but at least we'd know. Whats more than that, the pain associated with the cysts is something I want taken care of, baby or not... the pain is unbearable at times.

You would think I would be getting quite good at waiting to get this sorted but, we started on this whole journey with the NHS almost a year ago and I am just sick of waiting.

Try Again...

No appointments available today.

Didn't help that neither of us work up right at 8:00 am to call.

I am quite frustrated at the whole thing.

I guess we'll try again tomorrow.

The Waiting Game... Not Such A Fun Game.

Hello! I know it has been a while since I wrote, and I don't have an excuse for it except that I've had a very hard few weeks.

I thought an update would be in order.

We took the sample in Friday the 20th with no incident (even had time to stop at McDonalds). I kept it in my pocket, as suggested, to keep it warm and once we got to the hospital I thought we'd be in for a wait because we had to make an appointment (and its the NHS). Chris' sister came in with us so she didn't have to wait in the car. After trekking to the other end of the hospital we came to the Pathology Department window, the man took the sample from us, shook it around a bit, asked us some slightly personal questions (keeping in mind Chris' sister was there so we were trying to be as discreet as possible), and then said, "okay you'll have the results in about 3 weeks!" We said thank you and went home.

I guess at the first of this process I would have been very impatient about the results, but this time I haven't even noticed the wait. Yesterday I said to Chris, "Why don't you call the hospital at the off chance that the sample results are in." He did and we were told to call our regular doctor.

Chris called the office and the receptionist answered the phone. Usually, when there are test results the doctor gets them and then types on the screen what to tell the patient the results are. Surprisingly when Chris called the test results were in (shocking!) but the receptionist said she couldn't tell us the results and we'd have to make an appointment with the regular doctor to discuss things further.

Suddenly my complacency turned to anxiety with questions shooting through my mind about why the doctor needed to talk to us. The way the surgery (doctors office) works here is if we want an appointment with the doctor pre-bookable appointments are usually a 2 week wait, but they leave several appointments available each day at first come first serve - you have to call right at 8:00 in the morning and hope there are places left, so that is what we have to do for Monday.

Last night I said to Chris, "are you worried about the results?" he said, "no, they are what they are - no use worrying about them, nothing you can do." Do I wish he was a little more passionate about it? Yes! Do I wish he was kept up at night with thoughts of the future like I am? Yes! But, am I so grateful that I have a husband who can stay calm and inject a sense of sanity into the situation? YES!

I know he's right - whatever the test results are, they are - no use worrying. We'll do what we can with the information given... says my rational mind...

But my louder, emotional mind is shouting at me, "This could put an end to your hopes!" and I cant get it to be quiet!

Take Two

Tomorrow is the day to take in the Sample - second try.

We are depending on Chris' little sister (who, bless her, is notoriously unreliable) to get us to the hospital within our hour window.

Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed.

This should get us on the road to see the specialist to get things moving.

And move they will, today at the doctor she told me that on the internal scan they did - all they found were a few little cysts, and said nothing of the mass that the scan tech told me she saw.

I think I am going to MAKE the doctor sit in on one with me so I can have a FINAL assessment.

All this seems VERY reminiscent of the appointment with the "doctors" (I use the term loosely) at Kings Lynn.

But I am getting ahead of myself...

One day at a time.

And the Wait Continues...

The appointment today didn't work out.

Next appointment available to take in a sample and drop it off at the front desk?? Feb. 20th - the wait continues.

(Chanting in my mind) Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue.

I am keeping it all inside and being calm... but you can bet the next time I am suffering with my MIND NUMBING cramps... I might not be so silent.

Just a warning.