Still Here

Hello Internet… I am still here.
Some days (like today) I am not totally emotionally here – but I am “hanging in there”.
I think though, that I should give everyone a bit of an update of how I am doing and what has happened.  Part of the reason I haven't it because I am struggling with how much info to give on such a public forum – but I do realize people want to know – and maybe someone can be helped by what I am dealing with.

*  April 20th I went in for keyhole surgery to burn out some endometriosis (stage 5 – the worst).
*  They made an incision in my belly button (I HATE that fact) and one on the side of my stomach.
*  Because they were having problems keeping me breathing and because the Dr. cut a cyst and I started bleeding quite badly (loosing 1.5 litres of blood) they decided to do an open C-Section type cut.
*  They stopped the bleeding and decided to remove the left ovary and tube.  The managed to disconnect the bowel from the uterus and clear up most of the endo and put in a drain and close me up.
*  They also found that there was significant scaring and endo on my right tube – thus making me chances of naturally conceiving at about 0%.
*  I was in the hospital for 4 days.  They were HARD and very painful days.
*  When I got home I couldn't eat anything (really nauseous) and started to get an infection.  We called the on call doctor and he came to the house, checked me out, and gave me some antibiotics.
*  I continued to progress well.  I was very well taken care of from people in the Church (my Visiting Teacher is a Nurse).  Chris took very good care of me as well.
*  Three weeks into healing I was driving, attending church, cleaning, walking, etc. 
I consider myself so very, very blessed (despite the outcome).   One night in particular I was really worried about getting a blood clot (I have been wearing anti-embolism stockings for nearly 6 weeks now 24/7).  I just prayed that I could relax and rest.  I finally drifted off to sleep and the next morning when I woke up – I was so thankful – thankful that I had actually woken up, that I was feeling progressively better, and that nothing worse had happened to me in the surgery.
Now, to say that this whole thing has been easy would be a complete lie.  It was easy to push away the implications of the surgery when I was focused on recovery, when some days my goal was just to sit up for 30 minutes.  Now, that I am nearly fully recovered physically – I have found that emotionally I have a LONG way to go.
I am sure there will be more posts about infertility in the days and weeks to come. 
I must say, thank you – thank you to everyone who has reached out to me via cards, emails, Facebook, etc.  This whole thing has been so hard to go through so far away – and the lack of support on this end, from most (but not all), has been more than disappointing.  Your prayers, thoughts, and support have helped in ways that you will never know.  Thank you…. 

Mothers Day: Part 2

Sunday is the second Mothers Day that I get/have to celebrate.  England and America celebrate them on different days – if I were a mother I’d be quite pleased and make sure I celebrated BOTH, but since I am not a mother every Mothers Day is very hard for me.
I wrote about this on my babystepstobaby blog, and, after my surgery happened upon it quite by accident.  What a blessing it was to find it and read it!  I thought I would re-post it (since right now I don't think I could have such a positive attitude). 
                                * * * * *
When I was about 20 and attending Young Adults in my home ward, we were asked to put together the yearly Mothers Day program for Sacrament Meeting. I was asked to do a talk about mothers. Simple enough right? But it wasn't simple. During the weeks before my talk I couldn't shake a conference talk from mind by Sheri Dew called: Are We Not All Mothers? I felt drawn to give that talk because I felt a certain empathy for those women in the ward who were not mothers. Not understanding completely why I was compelled to base my talk on that, I followed my feelings and did base my talk on every woman being a mother and being called to help the children that surround her, whether her own or others. Little did I know at that point in my life, that nearly 10 years later I would be one of those women I had such an affinity for.

And now, how I struggle to remember the message I wanted to give to those women!
Luckily, I am surrounded (not figuratively but emotionally) by supportive women who remind me that I can strive to possess those qualities that mothers have.
As I look back at my adult life I can see how special opportunities have been put in my way to work on those qualities and, I have had the unique opportunity to be as close to being a mother as possible, without giving birth. There was wisdom in Gods plan of having me support a friend through adoption. There was wisdom in having friends who had babies first and me being able to support them and be someone they called on when they needed help. There was absolute wisdom in the answer of many prayers (not just mine) of my greatest opportunity to be a nanny for 5 beautiful children whom I loved as much as I could, and subsequently found an amazing friend through that experience, along with a lot of other inspiring people during that time.

I felt that when I left my nanny job, my next step would be having children of my own. Of course, that was what I thought - newly married with an ideal life ahead of me. Little did I know that my "ideal life" was not to be had.
Years went by and no baby came - somehow in my grieving for that dream I had forgotten that I had the ability to love like a mother. Up until just a few days ago, I forgot about that talk that I had felt so prompted to share. I was as good of an auntie as I could be to my gorgeous nieces and nephews but there was a huge amount of detaching myself from them, because they represented my failings as a woman and mother.

But then God provided me with some tender mercies that have struck my heart.

Spending time with my newest niece, Madie (*2 months old), and having her mom allow me to comfort her - and being able to sooth her, unlike some of the other mothers in the room, conference - and being told that if I was living a righteous life I had no reason to complain about trials,
and an amazing email from a special friend that comforted me in ways nothing else could - and helped me remember how I used to feel about children.

And finally today, my sister in law asked me to go with her to get her baby her vaccinations. She doesn't like to be in there when she gets the shots (usually her husband goes) and she asked me, someone who has no children, and trusted me enough with the baby to be the one to take her.
As I sat there with the small child on my lap, and as she got her shots and cried, but quieted down as soon as I cuddled her and held her in my arms - all those feeling came shooting back to me - I may never have children of my own - but I have the unique opportunity of being a mother to several different children - of that I am grateful and I can never be thankful enough for a moment of inspiration nearly 10 years ago - of the opportunity of giving myself something I really needed now – hope.
*Written 08 April 2009
As this Mothers Day comes and goes I am so proud and grateful for the examples of good mothers in my life.  But, maybe you could spend a minute on Sunday, and look around, maybe there is someone who is aching for a child – a kind word or hug – could help more than you’d ever know.

Here I Am…

Hello Readers.  I am still alive (thank goodness).  As you may or may not know, I am recovering (slowly) from surgery.  As much as I am healing physically, I am also trying to heal emotionally, as the surgery didn't go how we thought it would.  I will update more when I feel better (or when I can sit on a chair for long enough to type a post).  Please watch the video below – it puts into words how I feel and what I am dealing with.

Be back soon!

P.S. I couldn't be more blessed from the outpouring of support from my friends and family (mostly thousands of miles away).  And, just so you know, I have never been offended by anything any of these sweet people have said to me.

Here I Am…

Hello Readers.  I am still alive (thank goodness).  As you may or may not know, I am recovering (slowly) from surgery.  As much as I am healing physically, I am also trying to heal emotionally, as the surgery didn't go how we thought it would.  I will update more when I feel better (or when I can sit on a chair for long enough to type a post).  Please watch the video below – it puts into words how I feel and what I am dealing with.
Be back soon!

P.S. I couldn't be more blessed from the outpouring of support from my friends and family (mostly thousands of miles away).  And, just so you know, I have never been offended by anything any of these sweet people have said to me.