An Update and a Bit of a Vent

Hello Dear Friends. Are you still even checking this blog? Well, maybe this will just be for me and Chris (possibly the only 2 still reading).

There are a few reasons I haven't updated lately. One of the main ones is because there isn't too much to update on - we are in a limbo of sorts and so, stuck in this holding pattern, there aren't many changes.

As far as my healing and recovery go - things are back to normal for the most part. The incision has completely healed and has left a LONG scar along my tummy, but the width of the scar is like a line drawn with a pencil. The surgeon was very good at cleaning up his mess! I am not having any side effects anymore and am back to full activity. Sometimes I find it really hard to believe that is was only a few short months ago that I was so poorly, but I count my blessings that as bad as it was then, I am completely better now.

Along with the happiness of the full healing process, comes the complete frustration that nothing has changed at all. You'd think without one ovary, I'd have a least half of the cramps - but nope - they are still as bad as ever. I was under the impression that getting the Endo taken care of, it would solve those issues as well, but my doctor has informed me that, that is not the case at all. It is very frustrating! It usually brings me to tears every month thinking not only am I not getting pregnant, but I still have to suffer - so what was the surgery for anyway?!?!

As of now Chris and I are under instruction from the Consultant, Dr. R, to keep trying and see what happens. If nothing happens by Feb. then it is back to the Dr. M (the GP) to get a new referral to see Dr. R again - and move on from there.

Most of the time I am okay with the way things are headed with infertility. Most of the time I feel okay with the prospect that kids might not be in the picture. With so many other stresses in my life at the moment, I am ashamed to say, sometimes the infertility is the least of my worries. But then, of course, there are times where the pain of what I am going through cuts like a knife. I have eliminated most of my friends on Facebook that constantly complain about their kids (don't worry no one reading this is one of them) and now have taken to even hiding people who are constantly posting quotes or status updates about how "you've never known love until you're a mother." I know, I know it is a bit petty, but for me, it is what I have to do. It makes me feel like less of a wife, daughter, sister, and woman thinking to myself, "I must not love as much as I am capable because I don't have children."

As for life in general I am trying to put me first. It isn't easy at all. I am trying to get rid of the things in my life that cause me unneeded stress and heartache. This has, of course, made me re-evaluate a lot of things. Just the other day, a "friend" got me so sad that I had to stop myself and made a decision to eliminate that person from my thinking and life, for now.

I think of all that I have gone through in the last 3 years with regards to fertility and sometimes I am amazed at what Chris and I have dealt with and come through - and other times I am so saddened by the lack of support from family, friends and even strangers. I had a friend who came all the way from Utah to England and couldn't even pick up a phone to call me while she was here. Recently one of Chris' friends (who added me on Facebook) made me crack. She had a miscarriage and had fallen pregnant with her 2nd child very soon after. She complained 10+ times a day about how horrible pregnancy was and, "WHY did I do this to myself!!!!" When she had a very healthy baby she continued complaining about the baby - even going so far as to say, she hated him. I finally broke down and wrote to her (very nicely - not wanting to cause problems or hurt feelings) that, "I know how hard newborns can be, but maybe she should look at the positive - and remember there are women out there that would love to deal with what she was dealing with." I was then attacked by her and her friends because I said it and must not have any idea what she was going through because of my "unfortunate situation". My friends on Facebook who read my updates know more than my In-Laws (because they never ask) and the other day I signed up for a LDS infertility support group and, because I am not in Utah, no one has even bothered to say anything to me (but have to everyone else who has signed up at the same time). I cant wait to get home to Utah and spend some time with the people who HAVE supported me. Sometimes it just all gets on top of me.

I think what it comes down to is, I think about my infertility on a daily basis, and I suppose it affects me more than I think it does. But it is a process - I know of women who have been trying for 10+ years and still have sadness over it. I guess it is a matter of clearing my life of the things that don't make me happy and filling it with things that will fulfill me - no matter what happens with the infertility. I just keep praying I can deal with it - and not let it ruin me.

Finally… a Date

Hello Lovely Friends! 

I just thought I would update on here that I finally have a date for my surgery.  They are going to do it on April 20th.

This surgery is to get rid of all the endometriosis that has spread through the womb, tubes, and bowels.  When I talked to the Dr. he said that they would try to go in as a lap (like they did before with 2 small incisions), but if the endo was too bad they would have to do “open surgery” and it would be as if I was having a C-Section.  I sure dont miss the irony in the fact that it will be like having a C-Section – I get the scar, just not the baby.

I am very nervous about it.  I will probably be in the hospital for a night at least.  I dread the hospital I am staying at.  It is dirty and dark and just pray that I will be safe (oh yeah, and that one of the very, VERY common “superbugs” that ALWAYS invade English hospitals skip this one on that day).

The other day we called Chris’ mom to see if she could take me to the hospital.  She said, she didn't know and that she would let me know later…  WHAT!??!?!  While I understand that she works, I also understand that she works right by the hospital at the same time I am supposed to be there.  What I don't understand is how she could even hesitate to take me when I am so far from home and it is such a major surgery (maybe I should remind her she might get another grandbaby out of this and if she is lucky one who is a boy so she’ll like it).  So Chris asked her the next day again and she said, yes she would take me as long as we went when SHE wanted to go.  I am trying to decide if it would be less hassle to just take the train.  I don't even dare ask her to bring me home – that might push her over the edge. 

The other day we were at her house and she was watching two of the grandkids (her choice by the way) and she walked past me and said, “KIDS who’d have them!!!” and walked away.  Things like that sting, and we only get it from family.  I had a sister in law who told me that, “J & P only spend time with you and are nice to you because they feel sorry for you.”  Who needs enemies!

And then, to top it all off, we found out Chris cant get any of the days that week off work.  They denied them all.  So I may just be having surgery by myself.  Getting the train there, having the surgery, and then the next day, getting the train back home.

Infertility is such a heartbreaking issue.  I read a sign on the wall of the doctors that said, “The only thing more painful then having a baby, is not having one.”  Chris is a huge support and so are my friends and family.  We skipped Mothers Day here in England and went away for the weekend – but just running away from it doesn't stop the pain. 

Hopefully this surgery will correct a lot of the issues that I have, and hopefully they wont have to remove any ovaries (they might if I start to bleed too much).

Any happy thoughts and prayers would go a very long way.

Hopefully I will update on here before I go in – and after reading this through, hopefully you can make sense out of the muddle!

Argh

So, now that offending parties have been taken off I can moan to my hearts content.

My sister in law is where I will start. She is very jealous that we have become friendly with the family again. She said to Jamie "ever since you found out you can't have children, you seem to be there all the time". How insensitive can you be! I never expected this out of her mouth. I guess I know how she really feels now. That's one more person off my list of people to like.

The next person is a member of our branch who seems to think that church is a place to have a break from her kids. Newsflash: if you want a break from the kids - keep your legs shut, use contraception, give them away. Anything so you don't have them. I want to slap her every time she opens her trap. You've had the kids, you deal with what comes of that. Yet another off my list of people to like.

That is all I have for the moment. I make no apologies for what I have written

Its My Choice

Recently I have been hearing so much about the new Health Care plan in the US.  I have held my tongue and not written anything about it on my public blog for fear of the repercussions.  But, while I do agree with a need for basic health care for all, I really struggle with a Nationalized Health Care.  Let me explain why.

It has been over a year now that Chris and I have been seeing “doctors” about our issues and the run around we have had, I wouldn't wish on anyone.  All you have to do is read this blog and you’ll know what problems I’ve had – and it gets FRUSTRATING!

The other day I was going about my business and the next I was bent over in pain.  I knew I was ovulating and I often get cramps for a few days at that time (I know lucky me cramps twice a month) but this wasn't “usual” pain, this was cant breath, cant stand, feel sick pain.  I got into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed – not being able to move from the fetal position (ironic I know).  I laid there and thought – childbirth CANNOT be worse than this.  I was shaking and crying and finally decided to ask Chris to call the NHS call centre where they have you speak to a nurse and tell you where to go from there.  At this point I was very concerned that one of the lovely cysts had burst.  I spoke to the nurse and she said just to “take some pain killers”.  So I did – eventually the pain subsided.

Then I started to cry again – not from the pain but from the unfairness of it all.  If I weighed even 10-20 lbs. and walked into the nurses office for my fertility appointment – I would now be on a waiting list for surgery because according the the NHS “it would be worth it and cost effective”. 

You see the NHS doesn't do ANYTHING that costs them more money than it could.  If that means women giving birth in their regular PJ’s and sending them home before they're ready, limiting appointments to 10 minutes, using out dated equipment, having nurses do a doctors work, etc. then the do it.  It is all about money. 

I am a woman who is at the mercy of the NHS – they get to decide WHEN or IF I get to be a mother.  They have decided that even though I experience horrible pain for nearly 2 weeks of the month – I get to suffer because I am not skinny.

I understand that there are risks on operating on a bigger person – I get that – but let ME choose, let me evaluate the risks.

There are many things I cant fault the NHS for, in terms of my basic care – and it is nice not to think about how I am going to pay for things.  But in the back of my mind I cant help by think that maybe, just maybe if I were in America I’d have a baby in my arms or at the very least be pain free while trying to get there. 

Frustration

Boy! Chris doesn't write much on this web site, so you know when he does we are BOTH incredibly frustrated! I love when he writes something so that everyone knows that I am not dealing with this alone, and I am lucky enough to have a husband who is as passionate about it as me.

I realize on a daily basis as I read other women's blogs about all different kinds of infertility that I am not alone in my frustration. Some women take the words right out of my mouth as they post, some are so faithful and patient, and yet, we are all the same despite how we handle it - we are all frustrated.

Today I got out some pamphlets on adoption from the local council. Here in England if you go through the council you don't have to pay for adoption, in fact, you receive benefits for adopting. I was reading through the qualifications for adopting and found the following:

* You must be over 21 - check
* You need to be in reasonably good health - check
* A two year age gap between them and the other children at the home - check! No other kids to speak of!
* Live within one hour of Huntingdon or Cambridge - check (unfortunately)
* If you have been involved in infertility investigations or treatment, we would expect these to have been completed BEFORE any assessment was started - uhhhhhh what?!?!?

So in order to give a child a loving home out of the social services system you can be anyone who is in good health and over 21 EXCEPT someone who is struggling with infertility! Does this sound completely backwards to anyone else???

Then get this, it then reads:

Some criminal offences might prevent you from becoming an adoptive parent for example, if you have ever been convicted of a sexual, a violent act or any offence against a minor you man not be able to adopt. However, we are prepared to look at individual circumstances to establish if we can progress your interest further.

WHAT!?!?!? So even if you have been convicted of the above offenses YOU COULD STILL adopt - but if you are dealing with infertility - sorry!

Somehow it all seems twisted around - shouldn't those who are desperately trying for babies have first dibs?? Instead of a family fully able to have their own children, single, disabled, same sex, or unemployed??? Those are all people who can adopt - and although I have absolutely nothing against any of those groups adopting - shouldn't somewhere in the list be me?

I know adoption seems, to us, to be a far away option - but it would be nice to know it is an option - but unfortunately, here in England as far as adoption goes - people struggling with infertility are the only ones discriminated against.

The Sucky NHS

So, I have decided that the NHS really does officially suck.

I have had to phone the fertility doctor and my GP to chase up a referral that Dr M should have made.

Upon speaking with her secretary, we find out that Dr M hasn't even sent the referral across to Dr R.

I'm just wondering at what point do we tell them to try and stop playing God with our lives and our abilities to have children.

Do I really have to do the Dr's jobs for them.

Dear Facebook, I Love you... P.S. I hate you!

Admittedly, these last few weeks I have been a bit sensitive about everything and anything that has to do with people getting pregnant or having babies.

I do, at times, HATE the mention of pregnancy or anything in that general category but have become very good at smiling and through gritted teeth saying, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" (or typing through gritted teeth? Is that possible? You know what I mean!)

When there was no Facebook, I would hear on occasion the pregnancy announcements, the pregnancy complaints, and the post baby situations... now that I have a Facebook account it seems that this last month I have been bombarded with all things baby.

I love Facebook for one reason: to keep in touch with my friends that I would normally not. This past month I have SERIOUSLY considered deleting my account because of the status updates I have read.

When it all started I said to Chris, "I am getting around 5 status updates about babies or pregnancy each day and it is driving me crazy." I continued to update Chris every time I got one of those updates and it was becoming excessive (or I was becoming obsessive hmmmm).

The breaking point for me was when a very lovely, deserving friend (I love her!) got married and fell pregnant on her honeymoon, don't get me wrong I am happy for her - I am just more sad for me. I hesitated writing "congrats" on her profile, because honestly I couldn't - I had a bit of a breakdown.

I had to reach deep inside to be able to say that I was happy for her, because I am. Sometimes it just takes time.

I was just getting used to the fact that Facebook is now the new announcing venue, when, I started to get status updates like: "I hate being pregnant!", "Who would EVER want to be pregnant!!" and the like - that was it - I thought, I could either sit there and fume that there are people who JUST DON'T GET IT or I could get rid of the problem - I did the later, I took her off of my friend list.

I am not ignorant - I know pregnancy is difficult (I have been around it enough to KNOW), but right now in my life, I don't want to hear it, not from people I don't really know from High School.

The updates seemed to have slowed down, or maybe I am doing alright with not letting it get to me.

I have grown to know that at this point it is a matter of me trying to find a coping mechanism - the updates are never going away, babies being born are never going to stop and I need to figure out how to deal with it in a productive way.

I better find that coping mechanism fast... my sister in law is having a baby this week, although it wont be an update on Facebook - I bet it is 1,000 times worse!