I Wish Someone Knew…

Through suffering with the trial of infertility I have often wished that “someone knew what I was going through”. On my other blog I shared some of my favourite blogs and I would love to do the same with the infertility blogs I read. The truth of the matter is no one can ever know exactly what we, as individuals, are going through but there are people who feel the same pain. Luckily through these blogs it is not all depression and complaining. There are stories of hope and love and answered prayers. If you are needing extra strength and think that a blog might help I really encourage you to go to http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/06/whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you.html … There is an amazing list of blogs by category to look at.

Recently my heart has been touched and I have been moved by several stories:

http://twosheldons.blogspot.com/ – This is a story about faith, failed IVF, and adoption.

http://turnbowpuzzle.blogspot.com/ – This is a story about a lovely faithful couple who were trying to conceive (TTC) and recently fell pregnant.

http://allaboutashleyc.blogspot.com/ – This is a story about IVF and the start of a miracle pregnancy.

http://mylesstraveledroad.blogspot.com/ – This heartbreaking story is about infant loss – beautifully written.

Some of my Favourites

Hello Internet!  If you are like me you like looking at blogs on the internet.  I have been looking for blogs and clever things on the internet since I worked for the Government and had LOTS of free time on my hands.  In the process, since those 7 years ago that I started, I have gotten quite a collection of blogs -  I will share with you a few of my favourites , they are all good reading – I promise.
I have my blogs organized into 5 different categories – I will pick a few of my favourites in each:
Stranger Blogs:
http://www.dooce.com/
http://www.mandajuice.com/
http://www.thepioneerwoman.com/
http://balancingeverything.com/ (and her cute store http://www.kerflop.com/)
(I have been reading these blogs and following them (most of them) for nearly the whole 7 years.  The women who write them are witty and inspiring.  When I secretly enter this “popular” blog circle, I am desperate to be a part of it but am content to be a bystander – kind of like in high school :))
Friend Blogs:
http://lizbooksandhobbies.blogspot.com/
http://authorjennijames.blogspot.com/
http://lifewithlindalou.blogspot.com/
(These are only a small few of the friend blogs that I have.  I love that the internet gives me a way to connect with friends.  Some of them I look at each day, but most of them I check religiously every Sunday night.)
Family Blogs:
http://sentaplyer.blogspot.com/
(The reason I picked this one is because the talent of my cousin is amazing.  She has done all the illustrations in the blog and, to be honest, I am sooo jealous the artist gene seemed to skip right over me.  Go and explore.)
Misc. Blogs:
http://tipjunkie.blogspot.com/
http://homemakinghoneys.blogspot.com/
http://www.sexypeople-blog.com/
http://www.makingthishome.com/
http://smallnotebook.org/
(These are blogs that don't really have a category – but they are so entertaining!  Two of them (homemaking honeys and making this home) are both American women living in Europe.  I especially liked Making this Home’s blog today (hint hint) :))
Infertility Blogs:
http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/
http://twosheldons.blogspot.com/
http://mylesstraveledroad.blogspot.com/
(I have a long list of infertility blogs that I go to for support and strength.  The first one is an amazing resources for anyone going through any part of infertility and the next two have touched my heart and think anyone would benefit and look at life differently from reading them.) 
HAPPY READING!!!

The News of the Week

Nothing exciting really….

*  I tried to start on my new Gluten-free diet on Tuesday.  I made it until 4:00 PM where I ran into the store to get a snack – 2 sandwiches, chocolate, and a near emotional breakdown later – I have decided to start when I have the resources to start i.e. FOOD of some kind to eat.  Coeliac may be a disease, but starvation is a little more serious.
*  I got a job!  That is right, the first job I tried for  - I got (not to brag or anything).  It is at a nursery in a village called Manea about 10 minutes away from here.  It is working in the baby room.  Today was supposed to be my first day, but in a phone call at 9:00 AM this morning I was told there weren't enough kids so TOMORROW will be my first day…. we’ll see.
*  The car is fixed – FINALLY!  Thanks to good friends who fixed the car, 2 MOT tests, a new exhaust, a new battery, and LOTS of ££££ later we have freedom again!  To celebrate I’ll probably drive to Doncaster to see a baby blessed on Sunday – if it breaks down, I am leaving it in the middle of the road and walking home :)  I’m sure it’ll be fine…
*  I am working on some music to play for my SIL’s wedding.  I forget how rusty I am until I have some pressure put upon me – I wonder if they would be alright with me playing with one hand…. maybe not.
*  Working on the VISA – so much paperwork – I think anyone who can get through that paperwork without mistakes should get a free pass to America.
*  I have 2 doctors appointments next week.  Thankfully there will be no walking long distances or trains involved.  One appointment on the 3rd with the Fertility Doctor and one on the 4th for the Stomach Doctor… shame I have to drive out there each day, but I think they frown on sleeping over for appointments.

Hope the sun is shinning where you are.  It has been freezing and raining here in England since late Monday.  I love it.  Tomorrow it is supposed to be in the low 20’s – here comes summer, without air conditioner… hopefully this will be the last one, and hey, maybe I’ll loose weight with all the sweating from the heat… maybe???

Just Around the Corner

Hello Dear Friends!!  I just wanted to write a entry letting you know where I am at right now as far as the doctors, NHS and my fertility.

Chris and I are finally looking forward to starting the journey again, and getting some answers.  We have an appointment on the 3rd of June in Peterborough.  We aren't going to be meeting with a doctor or consultant (as they call them here in England) just a fertility nurse.  This title makes me quite nervous because we’ve waited so long to speak to someone who knows what they are talking about and I don't know if a nurse will.  We are hoping to hear the results of Chris’ test and also are interested to see what direction they’ll go. 

In the back of my mind I know that my notes say there are only cysts on my right ovaries and when I got the scan back in October they said there was a big mass on the left side of my uterus.  I am mentally preparing myself to fight my corner and be prepared for another internal scan.  I don't care what they have to do – internal scan, sure – exploratory surgery, fine – hormone meds, okay -  I just want to be started on the road, no matter the direction.

In my heart I feel like this appointment will give me not only a sense of progress, but on the flip side will give me more to worry about.  I haven't worried about Chris’ results too much or worried about the “mass”… until now.

Luckily at least, no matter what we find out, we’ll have some answers.  I just hope it doesn't turn out like the appointment in Kings Lynn. 

I’ll Start Tomorrow… Or the Next Day…

Hello Internet!  It has been hot and sunny here in England – too hot, and too sunny – but that is the least of my problems!
I went to see the Dietician last Wednesday.  The day started out being long as I walked a mile to the train station, all through the mall in Peterborough, 1/2 mile to the hospital and did the whole thing again on the way back home (minus the mall).
The Dietician was very nice, a departure from the usual NHS staff, and took quite a bit of time talking to me about my new diagnosis.  She gave me a list of the things I can and cannot eat.  I cant eat anything that contains Wheat, Rye, Barley, and Oats.  That may not seem like a lot when you see it like that, but almost everything we eat has one of the 4 ingredients and what’s more, Coeliacs cant even eat anything that MAY have been contaminated with Gluten.  This means even a crumb can be shown in my levels in my blood tests.  For me and Chris this means separate toasters, separate butter, separate spreads, and separate anything that might be contaminated.  This also means I am the annoying one at the restaurant that needs to know EVERY ingredient and how and where the food has been cooked.  It also means I am going to be the one who has to have my special bread on a special tray for the sacrament (ohhhh the embarrassment!!!). 
The good thing – it isn't life threatening and the damage can be reversed – IF I stick to a completely Gluten free diet.  The dietician told me to have a nice weekend and don't start the diet till I feel ready or else I’ll just fail.  This weekend Chris and I went to the shop and got pasta, bread, tortillas, cookies, cheesecake, crisps, biscuits, and chocolate for my “last Gluten filled weekend”!  We went out to dinner and had pizza, chips, and fried mozzarella.  The sad thing is, is that most of the things I’ve eaten this weekend have been very disappointing, really yucky. 
Most the time I feel quite positive about it but then my thoughts turn to everything I wont be able to eat again (mostly around holidays – pumpkin cookies, pumpkin pie, pie, sugar cookies, gravy, fresh rolls, pancakes… the list goes on and on….) I cant lie about it (they’ll be taking my blood each month or so to check my levels) and also seeing the Dietician.  I am just going to have to bite the bullet and do it and hopefully not cheat TOO much.
I had set the goal of starting tomorrow, but I keep making up excuses and think maybe I’ll start another day…. :)

A Little Catch Up

I know it has been quite a while since I’ve written on this blog. There are lots of reasons for that – family drama, another Mothers Day, and lack of any news.

We have had so much family drama that we are only speaking to one of Chris’ brother, and his family. It has been quite difficult because not only are there insults flying around by people who are supposed to support you – but they are also twisting the knife by putting into question my ability to care for and relate to children and also questioning if my infertility is “just an excuse”. I think, as a person, I am quite trusting and have learned the hard way that people don't always live up how I think they should. Meaning: I thought family supported you in most cases, not this one (not this case, not this family). I have read on a lot of infertility sites “things you shouldn't say to someone struggling with infertility” and sadly, most of those things have been said to me and Chris by members of the family.

One of the problems the family has is that we hang out with our two nieces more than the nieces and nephews, and we do. They think that we are using the infertility as an excuse not to come round to their house and see the other kids, because if it is hard for us to see some of them it should be hard for us to see ALL of them. The thing that they don't understand is that it is so difficult to be around any of them, but, when we spend time with our two nieces we know they come from married parents who love each other and love their kids. We know that, while the kids are a lot of work, they appreciate that they are parents to two beautiful girls. On the other hand, when we go over to to spend time with the family the other kids’ parents are often heard saying things like, “He is driving me crazy!!”, “Why wont he just got to bed I am sick of him!”, “I want to go out drinking who can watch him?!?” and it goes on and on and on. What they don't realize is while they are hating the fact that they are parents and the inconvenience of it all – they have what Chris and I are desperate for – that is what hurts the most.

A few Sundays ago the two youngest nephews were blessed in church. While I don't feel much of a connection with one of them – I do with the youngest, Tyler. He is the happiest child you will ever see – he has chubby cheeks and lovely red hair. During the blessing I had to hold back tears because sweet Tyler is the image of what I always thought my own child would look like. In my mind I was assaulted by negative thoughts and “what ifs”. I usually am alright with giving up my trial of infertility to Heavenly Father, but in moments like that – I am only human and it is hard.

To make things worse I got to go through another Mothers Day. Lucky me, since I live in England and Mothers Day is on a different date here than America, I get to celebrate it twice. It is a difficult day, but as time goes by and as perspectives change it is easier to handle.

I have found that, for me, it is all about giving in and giving up. Giving in to the fact that this is one thing in my life that I am not in control of AND giving the grief, sorrow, and pain (and soooo many other emotions) to Heavenly Father. I remember when I was visiting teaching I was giving the message about trials, this quote has since stuck out in my mind:

Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926–2004) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “Trying to comprehend the trials and meaning of this life without understanding Heavenly Father’s marvellously encompassing plan of salvation is like trying to understand a three-act play while seeing only the second act. Fortunately, our knowledge of the Savoir, Jesus Christ, and His Atonement helps us to endure our trials and to see purpose in suffering and to trust God for what we cannot comprehend” (“Enduring Well,” Liahona, Apr. 1999, 10; Ensign, Apr. 1997, 7).

Would I be able to feel this confident or at peace if I had been actively trying for years for a baby, if I was told it wasn't not an option to have a child of my own, or if I was struggling through the process of Adoption or Surrogacy? I cant answer that. It the spectrum of infertility I am just beginning. We have an appointment on June 3rd with our new fertility specialist and are hoping for answers of some kind. But whatever the answers, I just have to keep telling myself – its not in my hands and I am only in the second act of my life's play.

And in case you were wondering – here is a picture of my gorgeous nephew, Tyler:

D - Day

Well, maybe not as dramatic as D-day but this Wednesday is a big day for me, a life changing day. 
I have mentioned before that I was in the process of being tested for Celiac Disease.  I got my blood test back in December and my levels were very high so the specialist referred me to get a biopsy.  I went through that whole ordeal (the biopsy itself wasn't a big deal, just the drama surrounding actually getting there) and the doctor (here in England they aren't called “doctors” but Consultants – don't ask me why – I don't know or understand it!) said she would post me the results as soon as she got them.
This past week I got the dreaded letter saying yes, I do have Celiac.  The Consultant said she would get me an appointment with the Dietician.  I wasn't going to hold my breath because last time I had an appointment with a dietician I waited about 6 months.  While I was at my interview Thursday, Chris got a call from the Hospital saying my appointment was this coming Wednesday - SHOCKING!
So, what does this mean to me?  It means Wednesday I go see the woman who is going to tell me that “officially” I shouldn't eat ANYTHING with Gluten in it.  Have you ever paid attention what food has Gluten  in it or any kind of Gluten product?!?  EVEYRTHING – alright, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration too, but almost everything does.
The good thing about being diagnosed I will get gluten free products from the NHS – goodbye huge grocery bills (pasta, bread, crackers, cookies, etc.) and everything I’ve read and heard says I will feeling 100% better after a few weeks on the new diet.
But it is a huge change and I am not too sure I am ready for it.  As it is, I don't feel very sick – not like a lot of sufferers who get REALLY ill when they have even a crumb of gluten.
So right now I am trying not to think about it, even though that isn't working very well because everything I eat I think, “awwwww this is the last time I’ll be able to eat this….”

Its A Jungle In Here…

A while back I blogged about my luck with plants and how they keep growing and growing… 
Here are the latest pictures:
 
The first plant is nearly reaching the top of the windowsill.  The first set of flowers have mostly fallen off, but there are several more buds on a whole different set of plants. 
The plant on the right side is called my fertility plant.  I got it on Mothers Day here in England and wanted it to die, so I left it on the fridge – then one day I noticed it and couldn't just let it die.  I re-planted it and it has blossomed to say the least.  If it doesn't have enough water is lies flat and looks dead until you water it, and then it comes back to life.  Also the other day I was vacuuming up the fallen off flowers and sucked some of the yellow flowers up into the hose and yet, the plant still lives (although those flowers don't grow up now, just down).  Maybe it is the air, or their place on the window, or the “tantrums” the fertility plant throws to remind us to regularly water them, whatever the reason I think that in the near future my windowsill might resemble a jungle!

Blogging Vacation – OVER

I do check this blog quite often and never cease to feel guilty that I haven't updated it in, um, FOREVER.  But, I know you know how I feel when I say – I just didn't feel like it.  Not a lot has happened but,  I will do an update through pictures and bullet points of what has:

*  The car is still broken.  We haven't decided what to do and have run out of options.  It is getting really frustrating but in the meantime I have found myself walking a lot more and actually getting a chance to enjoy England’s unusually nice weather.  One of these days I am going to take some pictures of my walk up to my Brother-in-law’s house – not that you care too much about the sights of March, but I want to capture as much as I can before I move home.
*  Because of the warm weather we have been lucky enough to spend a lot of time at the park with some of our favourite English people (favourite people full stop really).  Little did I know when I set out to spend time with family it would cause WWIII (Loooooooong story) but we really enjoy our time with our nieces and Brother and Sister – we always have a good time and consider it a particular blessing to be so close to the girls and to that whole family.  They take an interest in our lives (childless as it is note the sarcasm) and “share” their lovely children with us – and TRUST us to be a part of their lives.

View Full Album

*  Chris and I got to see two of the nicest people get married – Taylor and Beth – okay, those aren't their proper names, but Taylor was Chris’ mission companion and so I know his by his last name.  Although I know Beth’s real first name, for some reason I call her Beth.  The wedding was lovely and typically English (meaning wedding toasts, big hats, and yummy English food).  Below are the pictures from the day – there aren't too many but I tried to sneak as many pictures of hats that I could – and I have decided that next wedding I am getting a headpiece so I can be “typically English”.  If you want a full account of the STRESSFUL and EXPENSIVE day, Chris did an entry about it on his blog (link on the side).

View Full Album

*  This last Tuesday Chris and I “celebrated” our 3rd wedding anniversary.  We don't have much money so we didn't really do anything.  Chris made, yes I said MADE, me a cute card – which was, by far, the best present he could have gotten me.  Every year we get a figurine to mark the year, not presents, and I think we both prefer it that way because it takes the pressure off of getting gifts.  We have a funny running joke about marriage.  When we were newlyweds a lady in our neighbourhood in Pennsylvania said, “Marriage is HARD work.  People say the first year is the hardest but I say the first 5-7 years are the hardest.  After 5-7 years you look at each other and think, ‘I could leave but we’ve invested so much time, I might as well stay.’"  Chris and I count down those 5-7 years because life for us has been far from easy so this year instead of celebrating the fact we’ve been married 3 years – we celebrate the fact that at this point we only have 2-5 years left of a HARD marriage – from there it’ll be EASY – Right!??!  If not, don't tell me – let me live in blissful ignorance!

Our Honeymoon in Ocean City, MD

So there you go, that’s the update.  Make sure you check out Chris’ site for a different “view” of things and also on his site you’ll find pictures and video’s of our life here in England.
In the meantime I have been reading quite a few books lately.  I have a up-to-date list on the side – If you have questions about any of them – ASK and I will let you know what I think.
Also I need your help.  I am wondering if there are things that you want me to write about, stories you’ve heard me tell, or pictures of places you’re interested in seeing.  Just leave a comment and I will do my best!