An Update and a Bit of a Vent

Hello Dear Friends. Are you still even checking this blog? Well, maybe this will just be for me and Chris (possibly the only 2 still reading).

There are a few reasons I haven't updated lately. One of the main ones is because there isn't too much to update on - we are in a limbo of sorts and so, stuck in this holding pattern, there aren't many changes.

As far as my healing and recovery go - things are back to normal for the most part. The incision has completely healed and has left a LONG scar along my tummy, but the width of the scar is like a line drawn with a pencil. The surgeon was very good at cleaning up his mess! I am not having any side effects anymore and am back to full activity. Sometimes I find it really hard to believe that is was only a few short months ago that I was so poorly, but I count my blessings that as bad as it was then, I am completely better now.

Along with the happiness of the full healing process, comes the complete frustration that nothing has changed at all. You'd think without one ovary, I'd have a least half of the cramps - but nope - they are still as bad as ever. I was under the impression that getting the Endo taken care of, it would solve those issues as well, but my doctor has informed me that, that is not the case at all. It is very frustrating! It usually brings me to tears every month thinking not only am I not getting pregnant, but I still have to suffer - so what was the surgery for anyway?!?!

As of now Chris and I are under instruction from the Consultant, Dr. R, to keep trying and see what happens. If nothing happens by Feb. then it is back to the Dr. M (the GP) to get a new referral to see Dr. R again - and move on from there.

Most of the time I am okay with the way things are headed with infertility. Most of the time I feel okay with the prospect that kids might not be in the picture. With so many other stresses in my life at the moment, I am ashamed to say, sometimes the infertility is the least of my worries. But then, of course, there are times where the pain of what I am going through cuts like a knife. I have eliminated most of my friends on Facebook that constantly complain about their kids (don't worry no one reading this is one of them) and now have taken to even hiding people who are constantly posting quotes or status updates about how "you've never known love until you're a mother." I know, I know it is a bit petty, but for me, it is what I have to do. It makes me feel like less of a wife, daughter, sister, and woman thinking to myself, "I must not love as much as I am capable because I don't have children."

As for life in general I am trying to put me first. It isn't easy at all. I am trying to get rid of the things in my life that cause me unneeded stress and heartache. This has, of course, made me re-evaluate a lot of things. Just the other day, a "friend" got me so sad that I had to stop myself and made a decision to eliminate that person from my thinking and life, for now.

I think of all that I have gone through in the last 3 years with regards to fertility and sometimes I am amazed at what Chris and I have dealt with and come through - and other times I am so saddened by the lack of support from family, friends and even strangers. I had a friend who came all the way from Utah to England and couldn't even pick up a phone to call me while she was here. Recently one of Chris' friends (who added me on Facebook) made me crack. She had a miscarriage and had fallen pregnant with her 2nd child very soon after. She complained 10+ times a day about how horrible pregnancy was and, "WHY did I do this to myself!!!!" When she had a very healthy baby she continued complaining about the baby - even going so far as to say, she hated him. I finally broke down and wrote to her (very nicely - not wanting to cause problems or hurt feelings) that, "I know how hard newborns can be, but maybe she should look at the positive - and remember there are women out there that would love to deal with what she was dealing with." I was then attacked by her and her friends because I said it and must not have any idea what she was going through because of my "unfortunate situation". My friends on Facebook who read my updates know more than my In-Laws (because they never ask) and the other day I signed up for a LDS infertility support group and, because I am not in Utah, no one has even bothered to say anything to me (but have to everyone else who has signed up at the same time). I cant wait to get home to Utah and spend some time with the people who HAVE supported me. Sometimes it just all gets on top of me.

I think what it comes down to is, I think about my infertility on a daily basis, and I suppose it affects me more than I think it does. But it is a process - I know of women who have been trying for 10+ years and still have sadness over it. I guess it is a matter of clearing my life of the things that don't make me happy and filling it with things that will fulfill me - no matter what happens with the infertility. I just keep praying I can deal with it - and not let it ruin me.

The Facts

I am thankful for all the prayers, happy thoughts, and support shown to me.

I am still recovering from the surgery, so this post will be basic – I will write the whole story soon!

The surgery was fine – it went off without a problem.

The doctor found stage 4 Endometriosis (the worst stage).

One tube was blocked, the other one he couldn't see.

The endo is so bad that the bowels are now pressing into my uterus.

To even try to fix it, it will take more surgery with another specialist.

After surgery the chances of me getting pregnant naturally is, at best, 30%

My doctor has put through an “urgent” referral to the next doctor and I should have an appointment date within 2-3 weeks.

I am in shock – it is not what I expected or could have prepared myself for.

I am trying to figure out how to live in a world full of children, knowing that I will probably never have one naturally.

I am healing well and will write more later.

D-Day

Well tomorrow is the big day and to say that I am nervous is an understatement. 

Up until today I was/am nervous JUST about the surgery.  It is my first surgery and being in England, away from home, it makes it that little bit more nerve-wracking.  My in-laws are taking me to the hospital and luckily it seems like a clean hospital.  Chris will be there as well and although I wish it were MY parents – I am thankful for the support that I have right now from them.

I get quite bitter when I really stop to think about it.  I think it is a mixture of nervousness/anxiety about the whole thing.  I think it is also that I have  several friends who have just had babies.  I think, as I clean up the house, get new pj’s and bathrobe, and get the loose ends tied up for work and church etc – this is how it would be if I was having a baby – and yet, this is all because I cant have a baby and when I think like that, the whole situation becomes horribly unfair.

Up until today I have been focused on the surgery and not at all preparing myself for AFTER the surgery – the results.  It’s finally hitting me – this could be the end of having a baby naturally.  Yes, we’ll move onto IVF next, but, I don't know why, it never crossed my mind that there could be something wrong.

It sounds silly doesn't it?  I am going in for surgery to see if something is wrong and I haven't let myself think that there might be.  Maybe it is self preservation of sorts – maybe if I had been thinking of it more, the surgery would be more difficult.

But I cant help thinking now, what if they find something wrong?  What if tomorrow I find out that my dream of creating and having a natural pregnancy wont happen?

And I know, you are all thinking – you still have IVF, adoption, IUI… but it just isn't the same is it? 

And that thought…. that scares me more than anything else that is happening tomorrow.

So It Starts

Hello Dear Friends. I think it is about time I updated this blog. Not too much has been happening in the last few months on the baby path. But, now that its November things will start going.

Tomorrow I go to the hospital for my pre-surgery check up. It is a general health check (I think!) Luckily I wont be having the surgery at Peterborough District (it is sooooo messy and dirty there) – it will be at Stamford, which is outside of Peterborough. I am starting to get more and more nervous as the time gets closer. It is my first ever surgery and although I am quite blessed that there aren't many possible complications – but, I still worry. Chris will be there with me and so will Pam, my mother-in-law. The only thing missing is my mom.

The surgery is called the lap and dye. What they do is make an incision in the right side of my abdomen, in my belly button (my BIGGEST fear – it makes me sick to think about), and then they insert the dye through my cervix. They will go in there with a camera and see if the ink goes through my fallopian tubes. They are also going to look to see if I have endometriosis – and if it isn't too bad they’ll get rid of it, if it is bad I’ll have to have more surgery.

I haven't even met the Doctor who is going to be performing the surgery (that makes me nervous as well). I have been working with the fertility nurse and haven't needed to see him so I don't know what to expect at all.

The most common side effect is shoulder pain. Strange hu?? Apparently when the pump my abdomen full of gas (so they can get a better view) sometimes it affects the diaphragm which has a nerve that is connected to the shoulder, which in turn causes horrible shoulder pain.

It is an outpatient surgery and hopefully I will be feeling good within a few days. I am not supposed to work for a week and cant lift anything heavy.

This will get me closer to the answer of the question: can I have a baby naturally or not? If the tubes are blocked then IVF is the next option. I am hoping that at least I get some answers so we know what way to go.

If my tubes are blocked then we are eligible to have a FREE IVF on the NHS (assuming that my weight wont hold me back – they are quite picky about letting overweight women have IVF – not cost effective apparently). If we do get IFV then we’ll do that while I am here in England, despite the fact that I might end up pregnant when I get to America (minus health insurance). We’ll just have to see how it goes.

Anyway, the surgery is on the 26th (Happy Thanksgiving!!). I am hoping that I don't stress out too much before then and that everything goes fine. If anything of note happens tomorrow at the Dr. I will post more.

In the meantime…. just thought you might find some facts about my Fertile Facebook Friends interesting:

29 of them (or their wives) are currently pregnant and within the last year 33 babies were born to my friends….. I guess you can tell I struggle with infertility – not many people would even notice.

Appointment Update

Hello Friends.  I just had an appointment with Fiona and thought I would update the blog. 

Luckily, I decided to call Fiona and ask her about some of the goals we had set i.e. weight loss.  She called me back and told me that we would discuss it more at the appointment on Monday.  It was a good thing I had called because she had never told me when the next appointment was and I would HATE to miss it (she was really mean when we were just late).

Chris and I got to the appointment and I was really worried that all the hard work I’ve done as far as weight loss, would not be enough to have the surgery to find out what is wrong.

She weighed me first and having lost enough to get my BMI under the “danger” level (even if it was only by 1.0), Fiona said that Mr. R would “probably” do the surgery for me.

She asked me and Chris a lot of questions about our medical past, to see if there was anything that might put up a red flag – there wasn't.

She then turned to us and said, “You could have the lap and dye.”  Now, I realize that reading that it makes perfect sense and doesn't instil fear at all – but imagine hearing it, “You could have the lap and DIE.”  It took me a minute to figure out what she was talking about.  The Lap and Dye is where they put a probe into your belly button (or as they call it here, tummy button) and look around.  They look for endometriosis or any problem causing fibroids or cysts and then they inject the fallopian tubes with dye to see if they are blocked or not.  Here in England it is a day surgery and the person only stays at the hospital if they have any problems. 

Fiona told us that couples usually have a high fertility rate for the first 3 years in a relationship – after those three years the rate drops dramatically.  Since “officially” Chris and I have been TTC for 2.7 years we still have a few months left.  She told us that I was at a weight where it was “okay” to try again, but I am a bit torn about that.  I have worked so hard to loose the weight I have, and I just want to be a bit more healthy before I have a baby.  Plus the timing is all off…  if I were to get pregnant in the near future that would leave me heavily pregnant when my VISA for England runs out – I couldn't fly anywhere and if I got to the USA I wouldn't have any health insurance at all for when I was ready to deliver.  So, it is still going to be on hold for a bit longer.

Fiona then told us that if they go in and do the lap and dye and they find that the tubes are blocked then our only option at that point would be IVF.  She said they used to do a surgery to un-block the tubes but IVF has a lot higher success rates and is not a surgery, like the “tube un-blocking” would be.

At this point we have an appointment again in 2 weeks to discuss the procedure.

I am so pleased that things seem to be moving along – finally, some answers for us… and we are ready for them (as ready as possible), whatever they might be.

Wow, Its About Time for an Update!

Hello Friends!  After blowing the proverbial layer of dust off my blog, I figured it was about time to update.  To be fair, I haven't had much to update about but, I did have an appointment this last week and now have something to write about.

The appointment was on the 28th.  Chris and I got ready and got there on time only to find out the hospital appointment was at 1:00 but, Fiona (the nurse) was expecting us at 12:30.  She wasn't too happy that we were late but saw us anyway.

She started out by giving us all the test results.  We went over mine first, and they were all fine.  Lets see… Immune to Rubella, no Diabetes, no hormone imbalances, and ovaries full of perfectly healthy eggs.  That was a huge relief to start with.  She told us Chris’ sample results which were more than fine, they were excellent – so he wont have to do anymore samples, she seems content that any infertility isn't on his part.  They usually do 2 samples from the male and if they are alright then they leave it at that.

This was good news, nothing is obviously wrong – but it is bad news too.  If nothing is wrong why am I not getting pregnant???  It means more tests and no easy answers.

She said Dr. R looked through my notes and said, aside from the fertility stuff, that it looked like I was anaemic (thanks to the celiac) and also had a syndrome called Gilbert Syndrome.  Fiona then proceeded to tell me that she didn't know what it was.  My mind started racing, thinking – I cant do it, I cant have another health problem. 

Fiona then proceeded to tell me what our next steps are.  She said that they want to do some exploratory surgery.  Dr. R said there was some fluid in my uterus and that could be a sign of a blocked Fallopian tubes.  Then she said what I figured she would – Jamie, you need to loose weight before we do the surgery. 

This is a sore spot to me – I know that I need to loose weight, but, I don't think my weight should be a roadblock to surgery.  The pressure put upon me by Fiona is immense and the pressure put upon me by myself is even bigger. 

My next appointment is more than a month away.  I have a big chunk of time to loose some weight to let Fiona know that I am serious.  I do want a baby, but more than that I want less painful periods and to feel healthy.  I don't want Fiona to give up on me and I don't want my weight to be the reason I cant be a mother, Chris cant be a Father and just as importantly my parents cant be Grandparents (that is a whole other post in itself).

Fiona referred me and Chris to a specialized weight loss clinic that has supposedly produced great results, that will be helpful.

I got home from the appointment and immediately looked online for Gilberts Syndrome.  It is a non-health threatening syndrome where your liver doesn't take the yellow out of your blood, so apparently sometimes if I am stressed, dehydrated, or ill I will look a little yellow.  What a blessing that it is nothing serious.

So now we wait and I work.  I work on finding the motivation to loose some weight, to start on my gluten free diet, and to make my health a priority.  Hopefully that will lead to more answers and some solutions.  Hopefully.

The Sucky NHS

So, I have decided that the NHS really does officially suck.

I have had to phone the fertility doctor and my GP to chase up a referral that Dr M should have made.

Upon speaking with her secretary, we find out that Dr M hasn't even sent the referral across to Dr R.

I'm just wondering at what point do we tell them to try and stop playing God with our lives and our abilities to have children.

Do I really have to do the Dr's jobs for them.

The Rope Just Got A Bit Longer

So...

Once I woke up on Wednesday I made the phone call to Dr. R's secretary. I explained to her that I knew that I hadn't worked with Dr. R before, but I was told to have Chris' test results sent to him by my GP and I was interested in the results and also making an appointment as soon as possible with Dr. R. I was quickly told that 1. They don't tell test results over the phone, and 2. I would have to go to my GP to give me another referral because the one I got last MAY had expired (they didn't have any record of the one from October that shouldn't have expired).

I hung up the phone and got right back onto the phone to my GP. I told the receptionist that I needed to speak to Dr. M as soon as possible about getting another referral. She told me she'd leave a message on the computer for her but she didn't know when Dr. M would get back to me.

I had to run off and take my driving test and so I crossed my fingers that Dr. M would call and Chris could speak to her (he is more persuasive).

Later that day when I called Chris he said that she did call back, he explained the situation and what the secretary said. At this point Dr. M got very frustrated (at Dr. R) and said the referral should be valid still and that she would call the secretary herself and get an appointment.

Good news! I am lucky that I have a GP that is on my side but, why wouldn't she be? She has been struggling with medical professionals for us since May - she must be frustrated with them wasting her time as well.

So now we are back to waiting for an appointment - I think next week I will be making a call to Dr. R to make sure that there is something in the works. I'll get in there to see him if its the last thing I do!

The End of My Rope

I feel like I have no good news to ever put on this blog...

Today Chris woke up at 8:00 and started calling the doctors office. He tried for 25 minutes without getting through and when he finally did get a person and not a busy signal - all of Dr. M's appointments were full for the day.

We were told to call again tomorrow morning. Chris just asked if Dr. M could call him and tell him the test results. The receptionist said yes, she'd have her call at the end of her morning appointments. 1:00 came around and we still hadn't had a call and so Chris called again. The receptionist said she'd have Dr. M call "in a minute" so we waited.... and waited.... and about 45 minutes later Dr. M called.

Chris answered it and asked for his results. She said she didn't understand them so I need to call Mr. R (the fertility specialist) to get the results. Chris asked if she had made me an appointment with Mr. R and she said no, I'd have to call and speak to the secretary.

So I called Mr. R, knowing he had no idea who I was since he's never worked with me before. I was told I couldn't talk to him I needed to talk to his secretary. I called her and she is on holiday until tomorrow.

Once I finally get a hold of her, I am sure I wont get the results over the phone, I'll have to get an appointment which is usually about a months wait - and that is positive thinking (even though I was told that since we were working through Peterborough and not Kings Lynn it should be faster, I wont hold my breath).

It is becoming increasingly frustrating. I keep hoping for that "light at the end of the tunnel" but cant seem to get to it.

At this point I just want some answers - What is wrong with me physically? Is something wrong with Chris? Can I get pregnant? Is it something that can be fixed? Something that cant? I just want to know. I know that the answers to some of those questions might be the end of some of our options, but at least we'd know. Whats more than that, the pain associated with the cysts is something I want taken care of, baby or not... the pain is unbearable at times.

You would think I would be getting quite good at waiting to get this sorted but, we started on this whole journey with the NHS almost a year ago and I am just sick of waiting.