She’s Talking to ME!

The title of this post may be a bit misleading, but hear me out.
A few Sunday’s ago I went back to my home ward for church.  It had been several weeks with sickness (Chris), Baby (Lilly), and visiting other wards.  I was excited to see that my new friend and new RS President was giving a talk.  I had my hands full helping Naomi look after her 3 girls – but as the RS President  stood up to speak, the girls gave me a gift (or the spirit did) by making things still enough to hear a message that felt like was prepared just for me. 
She read a quote by Sister Chieko Okazaki, that has changed the way I think about my Saviour and the Atonement:

“Well, my dear sisters, the gospel is the good news that can free us from guilt. We know that Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane. It’s our faith that he experienced everything- absolutely everything. Sometimes we don’t think through the implications of that belief. We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we don’t experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That means he knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer- how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what if felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced Napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism. Let me go further. There is nothing you have experienced as a woman that he does not also know and recognize. On a profound lever, he understands the hunger to hold your baby that sustains you through pregnancy. He understands both the physical pain of giving birth and the immense joy. He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion. His last recorded words to his disciples were, ‘And, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.’ (Matt 28:20) He understands your mother-pain when your 5 year old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your 5th grader, when your daughters calls to say that the new baby has Down Syndrome. He know your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your 2 year old, when someone gives your 13 year old drugs, when someone seduces your 17 year old. He know the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only children are visitors, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your 50th wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years. He knows all that, He’s been there, He’s been lower than all that. He’s not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don’t need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He’s the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He’s not embarrassed by us, angry at us or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief.”

I  feel like you could put in any trial you may have (or have had) and liken it to you. 

That quote spoke to my sprit, and the way I feel during my trials will never be the same.  I hope it does the same for you.

Thanks lilysusannah -- you're fabulous!!

Yes, I’m a Mormon.

Experiencing a Miracle

**Just a warning… this post might be long and sentimental – so if that isn't for you, just don’t read it and come back another day for my wallpapering post. **

If you would have asked me 9 months ago, drowning in the struggle of infertility, if I would be watching my niece be born – I would have just laughed.  But, about 7 months ago, in passing, I mentioned to my sister-in-law (Naomi) that I had always wondered what it would be like to see a baby be born and was trying to come to grips that I might not ever experience it for myself – she said that I could be in there when she had her baby.  I thought that would be the end of it, but just a few days ago I found myself sitting in the dimly lit delivery room waiting for Lilly to be born.

For the whole month of June I was on tenterhooks whenever the phone rang.  I made sure I had my mobile phone with me and charged up at all times and would go to sleep at night thinking…. “Is this the night??”  I have to admit as the time of Naomi’s due date drew closer and closer I started to doubt my decision to be in the room.  I didn’t know if experiencing this in my situation would make things better or worse.  But we planned throughout her pregnancy I would be there as a helper (if needed) but mostly a spectator – and comic relief if needed.  Weeks before the birth the reality of what I would be witnessing hit me at full force and I knew I couldn’t miss it – no matter what my situation.  I would get the rare experience of seeing the birth but instead of being the one in pain, or the spouse, I could watch, feel, and soak up the experience in a way that most people cant.

Friday night (July 1st) I got a call in the morning saying that Naomi was getting contractions 30 minutes apart and I should plan on it it happening today.  Naomi was nearly 5 days overdue and was ready to have the baby.  But, the day came and went and I didn’t get any other phone calls, so I figured that like a few other times during the week, that the contractions had died down and I would just need to wait. 

At 10:00 that night I got another call – her contractions were getting closer and although I didn’t need to worry right at that moment  - she thought it would be soon.  I tried to go to sleep, knowing that I would soon be getting the call to pick her and Mark up – but couldn’t sleep (could you!?!?).  Around 12:30 AM I got a phone call saying it was time to go to the hospital.  The contractions still weren't regular but they were coming more often and Naomi would just feel better knowing how far she was.

I was instructed (by Naomi) that Naomi didn’t want any fussing about so I tried to remain as calm as possible and drive safely to the hospital (about 40 minutes away).  We would be having a joke and a laugh and then she’d have a contraction and conversation would stop, she’d casually say “There was another one.” Calm as anything.  This wasn’t like the movies – she wasn’t screaming or writing in pain.  She was calm and collected.  We even stopped at the shop to top up her mobile phone.

We got to the hospital and everyone was surprisingly calm (I am sure me and Mark were the most nervous of everyone).  We went into the HOT delivery room and waited and waited.  After every contraction Naomi would say, “Wow that was strong,” and then continue on the conversation.  Finally the midwife came in and monitored Naomi for a few minutes and said, “You have three choices:  I can check you to see where you are, You can labour for a few hours here and then I’ll check you, or because your contractions aren't regular, you can go home for a few hours.”  Naomi said she would rather be checked and Mark and I went to the hallway while she was checked - hoping that we wouldn’t have to make the drive home and risk not making it back.  By now it was about 3:00.  I could tell the contractions were getting worse but still Naomi didn’t complain – just got on with it.  We walked back into the room and Naomi said she was a 7 (?!?!?) and we weren't going anywhere – thank goodness she had the midwife check! 

From there it was a bit of a whirlwind.  Naomi hadn't had any pain relief at all (NONE) and was getting understandably uncomfortable.  She didn’t want an epidural but decided she wanted something, so the midwife sauntered in and out of the room preparing an injection for pain relief.  At this point it was about 3:25.  The midwife gave Naomi the injection and Naomi said (through gritted teeth), “When will it start working?!?!?!?”  The midwife casually replied, “10-15 minutes”.    Then things got intense.  Naomi was in a lot of pain (but, I might add – not screaming or anything – she even apologized in-between contractions to Mark for being so whiney!).  She was bent over in pain by the side of the bed and kept saying, “I am finding it really hard not to push.”  So the midwife reluctantly walked over and checked, “I can see the head!” she exclaimed – putting a bit more pep in her step she barely had time to get everything in position before Naomi let out two screams and Lilly was here – caught by the midwife and passed up to her mummy.  Naomi pushed for 3 minutes and suddenly there were 5 people in the room.  Simply amazing.

Because I was on the sidelines I could appreciate that moment.  The moment when the veil parted and a spirit entered this world – that room.  I could have all the words in the world and never be able to describe that feeling.  This tiny baby’s spirit was face to face those that inhabit heaven and now she was here.  The feeling of the room instantly changed, the veil was very, very thin and that was a feeling that I never expected to have – but it overwhelmed me and still does whenever I think about it.

Once Naomi and Lilly were safely laying on the bed, the midwife asked Mark to cut the cord and he said no so I got to do it – without hesitation.  Then we all just sat there – looking at this perfect, beautiful baby.  Naomi was a superstar going through all of that without pain meds.  I have never admired anyone as much as I did Naomi in that moment.  It gave me an understanding that I would have never had about mothers and the sacrifice they make.

Then Naomi passed her miracle to me.  I got to hold Lilly and just couldn’t stop looking at her – in awe of her perfection.

I then passed her back to her mummy and Mark and I made phone calls to family.  I had been up for HOURS and HOURS but wasn’t tired at all.

The sun started to rise as we just sat and chatted (Naomi was a bit out of it at this point because those pain meds she asked for had started working).   Talking about all the things we now found funny that we couldn’t laugh at during the labour like, Naomi apologizing, my trying to undo her bra (we both couldn’t figure out how to unclasp the nursing bit), and a lot of other things that Naomi probably wouldn’t thank me for writing.  Naomi got up to have a shower and I just held that baby. 

Not only was I a witness to an amazing miracle – in those quite moments of holding this baby some of the parts of my heart that infertility had broken – they were healed.  Everyone told me that I would find healing, somehow somewhere, through this trial of infertility – and I have found it, although not complete healing (I don’t think I will ever mend all the pieces of my broken heart) but some healing. Every time I hold her and soak in her spirit – in a way that I never have before – I feel that healing again.  And suddenly the miracle in my infertility isn't my own baby – but the tender mercies and selflessness of a brother and sister-in-law – who let me take part in the most amazing experience in my life.  Words could never explain what they have given me by letting me be a part of their experience..

The past week and half have been filled with joy for me and Chris (and I’ll admit, a twinge of sadness at my loss – I am human).  We’ve gotten to spend so much time with not only Lilly, (who Chris keeps offering to buy off Naomi and Mark) but with Madie and Georgia.  I think I speak for me and Chris when I say that our relationship with our nieces make our infertility not hurt so much.  What a blessing.

Here are some pictures from the day and this past week or so (Did I mention that Naomi was home within 12 hours of giving birth?!? ):

Mothers Day: Part 2

Sunday is the second Mothers Day that I get/have to celebrate.  England and America celebrate them on different days – if I were a mother I’d be quite pleased and make sure I celebrated BOTH, but since I am not a mother every Mothers Day is very hard for me.
I wrote about this on my babystepstobaby blog, and, after my surgery happened upon it quite by accident.  What a blessing it was to find it and read it!  I thought I would re-post it (since right now I don't think I could have such a positive attitude). 
                                * * * * *
When I was about 20 and attending Young Adults in my home ward, we were asked to put together the yearly Mothers Day program for Sacrament Meeting. I was asked to do a talk about mothers. Simple enough right? But it wasn't simple. During the weeks before my talk I couldn't shake a conference talk from mind by Sheri Dew called: Are We Not All Mothers? I felt drawn to give that talk because I felt a certain empathy for those women in the ward who were not mothers. Not understanding completely why I was compelled to base my talk on that, I followed my feelings and did base my talk on every woman being a mother and being called to help the children that surround her, whether her own or others. Little did I know at that point in my life, that nearly 10 years later I would be one of those women I had such an affinity for.

And now, how I struggle to remember the message I wanted to give to those women!
Luckily, I am surrounded (not figuratively but emotionally) by supportive women who remind me that I can strive to possess those qualities that mothers have.
As I look back at my adult life I can see how special opportunities have been put in my way to work on those qualities and, I have had the unique opportunity to be as close to being a mother as possible, without giving birth. There was wisdom in Gods plan of having me support a friend through adoption. There was wisdom in having friends who had babies first and me being able to support them and be someone they called on when they needed help. There was absolute wisdom in the answer of many prayers (not just mine) of my greatest opportunity to be a nanny for 5 beautiful children whom I loved as much as I could, and subsequently found an amazing friend through that experience, along with a lot of other inspiring people during that time.

I felt that when I left my nanny job, my next step would be having children of my own. Of course, that was what I thought - newly married with an ideal life ahead of me. Little did I know that my "ideal life" was not to be had.
Years went by and no baby came - somehow in my grieving for that dream I had forgotten that I had the ability to love like a mother. Up until just a few days ago, I forgot about that talk that I had felt so prompted to share. I was as good of an auntie as I could be to my gorgeous nieces and nephews but there was a huge amount of detaching myself from them, because they represented my failings as a woman and mother.

But then God provided me with some tender mercies that have struck my heart.

Spending time with my newest niece, Madie (*2 months old), and having her mom allow me to comfort her - and being able to sooth her, unlike some of the other mothers in the room, conference - and being told that if I was living a righteous life I had no reason to complain about trials,
and an amazing email from a special friend that comforted me in ways nothing else could - and helped me remember how I used to feel about children.

And finally today, my sister in law asked me to go with her to get her baby her vaccinations. She doesn't like to be in there when she gets the shots (usually her husband goes) and she asked me, someone who has no children, and trusted me enough with the baby to be the one to take her.
As I sat there with the small child on my lap, and as she got her shots and cried, but quieted down as soon as I cuddled her and held her in my arms - all those feeling came shooting back to me - I may never have children of my own - but I have the unique opportunity of being a mother to several different children - of that I am grateful and I can never be thankful enough for a moment of inspiration nearly 10 years ago - of the opportunity of giving myself something I really needed now – hope.
*Written 08 April 2009
As this Mothers Day comes and goes I am so proud and grateful for the examples of good mothers in my life.  But, maybe you could spend a minute on Sunday, and look around, maybe there is someone who is aching for a child – a kind word or hug – could help more than you’d ever know.

Tender Mercies

I wont lie… this week has been rough.  After living here in England for nearly 4 years you’d think that I would have my homesickness conquered – but I don't… far from it.  When things are going “well” it is a lot easier to cope, but when things pile up (like they have this last week) it is almost more than I can handle at times.
Today, after an especially hard day, I decided that I needed to get out of the house.  I needed to exercise (instead of emotionally eat).  I went out with two objectives – find the signs of spring by doing something that I love (taking pictures) and also taking some deep breaths, “feeling”, and trying to find ways to improve my mood and my outlook on things. I guess that is more than two… anyway…
The second I walked out the door it started to rain (surprise, surprise – note sarcasm), but I had finally found the motivation and keep walking.  Breathing in the nice, fresh air and taking a lot of time to just… STOP and take in the view.
I am a very firm believer in God’s “Tender Mercies”.  I try my hardest when I am feeling down to find them in every day life. I find that it just re-affirms my belief in God looking out for me even though life is so hard sometimes.  Today didn't fail to disappoint (when looking for tender mercies – it never will).  I found a lot of signs of spring and even found beauty in the day.

“We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance”  Elder David A. Bednar "The Tender Mercies of the Lord."

Below are some of the pictures I took… maybe, you can find a “Tender Mercy” for yourself in one of them.  Enjoy!

“Pretty in Pink”                

One of my “Tender Mercies”    

Another “Tender Mercy”   

What’s Been Going On?!?!

That is what you are probably wondering about me right?  What’s been going on?  Well, I thought, not a lot – until I tired to figure out what to write about and it turns out there is a bit more… so here goes… in list form.
*  I got a new calling at church… Primary President – yes, I know this childless woman is now Primary President.  Luckily there are only 9 Primary age children in the branch so I am starting off easy… although, after this first month I can said with quiet confidence that it might be easier to teach 50 rather than the 2 – 4 that usually attend.  It is taking some getting used to, but I do like it and even if I hated it, it will only be for about 8 months.  It is FORCING me to get organized, and it is worth it just for that.
*  The time is ticking down for my return to America.  We are stuck on our application from lack of money but, the reality is, I will be home in a little over 8 months.  Things have been going so well with it and we are just trying to save and earn.  I am sure it is going to go fast… and I keep saying to myself, as I go about life, “this is the last time I’ll do this in England…”
*  My weight loss is still continuing.  After a slow down for a bit, I am back on track and also right on track to reach my final goal.  I am only loosing about 1 – 2 lbs. per week, but I am assured that, that is the healthy way to do things.  I can wear clothes I haven't worn since I moved to England, barely fit in my jeans (in a good way), and finally fit back into my wedding ring.  It is hard work, but I think I am finally starting to get that exercise and eating right is just “life” not a change that I have to make, because I’ve made it now and just have to keep going.
*  It was my birthday on Saturday.  It was a good day (and my last one in England).  I was woken up by Chris with breakfast in bed, my mom (like always) had made sure I had a little something to open, we went out to lunch, and then since Chris took the day off – we just relaxed.  Chris treated me very well and it was a good day.  I hate to think of the reality that this my last year in my 20’s – and always get disappointed at how little I’ve done in the last year… but, am looking forward to the changes the next year will bring.
*  I still am kind of working babysitting twins up the road.  They are lovely children and really well behaved.  It is good money and a great job, but I am now looking for something a little more steady so that we can up our savings.  Wish me luck!!
*  I have surgery scheduled on the 26th (Happy Thanksgiving to me!) for infertility exploration.  While, I am not very public about my infertility struggle on this blog… it is a huge step towards finding out what is wrong and fills my thoughts constantly.  I will write more about everything on my other blog sometime in the near future.  (If you want an invite let me know).
*  The car is broken again…. so frustrating!  We ran out of petrol yesterday in a huge rainstorm on the way to church.  Luckily our sister in law, Becca, rescued us.  We were super late for church and Chris was soaked, but at least we made it back home, after church… barely. 
So that is all…. more than I thought.  I will update more regularly and I am also going to post some old stories I wrote that I found the other day.  Hope you all have a great week!

How Do YOU Live?

Let me give you a little bit of background. 
I don't think it comes as a surprise to most that I am a Latter-Day Saint (Mormon).  I have been for my whole live, but haven't always been an “active” part of it and that might come as a surprise to some.
When I was in my early 20’s I decided to “explore my religious options”.  I look into several churches/beliefs and finally decided upon the local Evangelical Free Church (EVFree).  I started attending meetings, having members over to have religious discussions, and everything else that comes with it.  I tend to dive into new things head first and along with reading as much as I could, picking up the NIV bible, and researching the internet, I also immersed myself in Contemporary Christian Music. 
I eventually decided that what I believed was the LDS church (another long story) but never, once regretted my experience with the lovely, warm, Christian people of the EVFree Church.  I am also thankful for what I learned about myself and my beliefs while I was attending the EVFree Church.  Among some of the great things I took away with me from that experience was a deep love for Contemporary Christian Music. 
I have so many songs that I love and listen to on a regular basis, but there is one song that has stuck with me, AWAYS cheers me up, and always makes me count my blessings.  I thought it was a great thing to share with you this Monday.  Take the time to listen to it, if you can, and think to yourself – How do you live?

A Little Catch Up

I know it has been quite a while since I’ve written on this blog. There are lots of reasons for that – family drama, another Mothers Day, and lack of any news.

We have had so much family drama that we are only speaking to one of Chris’ brother, and his family. It has been quite difficult because not only are there insults flying around by people who are supposed to support you – but they are also twisting the knife by putting into question my ability to care for and relate to children and also questioning if my infertility is “just an excuse”. I think, as a person, I am quite trusting and have learned the hard way that people don't always live up how I think they should. Meaning: I thought family supported you in most cases, not this one (not this case, not this family). I have read on a lot of infertility sites “things you shouldn't say to someone struggling with infertility” and sadly, most of those things have been said to me and Chris by members of the family.

One of the problems the family has is that we hang out with our two nieces more than the nieces and nephews, and we do. They think that we are using the infertility as an excuse not to come round to their house and see the other kids, because if it is hard for us to see some of them it should be hard for us to see ALL of them. The thing that they don't understand is that it is so difficult to be around any of them, but, when we spend time with our two nieces we know they come from married parents who love each other and love their kids. We know that, while the kids are a lot of work, they appreciate that they are parents to two beautiful girls. On the other hand, when we go over to to spend time with the family the other kids’ parents are often heard saying things like, “He is driving me crazy!!”, “Why wont he just got to bed I am sick of him!”, “I want to go out drinking who can watch him?!?” and it goes on and on and on. What they don't realize is while they are hating the fact that they are parents and the inconvenience of it all – they have what Chris and I are desperate for – that is what hurts the most.

A few Sundays ago the two youngest nephews were blessed in church. While I don't feel much of a connection with one of them – I do with the youngest, Tyler. He is the happiest child you will ever see – he has chubby cheeks and lovely red hair. During the blessing I had to hold back tears because sweet Tyler is the image of what I always thought my own child would look like. In my mind I was assaulted by negative thoughts and “what ifs”. I usually am alright with giving up my trial of infertility to Heavenly Father, but in moments like that – I am only human and it is hard.

To make things worse I got to go through another Mothers Day. Lucky me, since I live in England and Mothers Day is on a different date here than America, I get to celebrate it twice. It is a difficult day, but as time goes by and as perspectives change it is easier to handle.

I have found that, for me, it is all about giving in and giving up. Giving in to the fact that this is one thing in my life that I am not in control of AND giving the grief, sorrow, and pain (and soooo many other emotions) to Heavenly Father. I remember when I was visiting teaching I was giving the message about trials, this quote has since stuck out in my mind:

Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926–2004) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “Trying to comprehend the trials and meaning of this life without understanding Heavenly Father’s marvellously encompassing plan of salvation is like trying to understand a three-act play while seeing only the second act. Fortunately, our knowledge of the Savoir, Jesus Christ, and His Atonement helps us to endure our trials and to see purpose in suffering and to trust God for what we cannot comprehend” (“Enduring Well,” Liahona, Apr. 1999, 10; Ensign, Apr. 1997, 7).

Would I be able to feel this confident or at peace if I had been actively trying for years for a baby, if I was told it wasn't not an option to have a child of my own, or if I was struggling through the process of Adoption or Surrogacy? I cant answer that. It the spectrum of infertility I am just beginning. We have an appointment on June 3rd with our new fertility specialist and are hoping for answers of some kind. But whatever the answers, I just have to keep telling myself – its not in my hands and I am only in the second act of my life's play.

And in case you were wondering – here is a picture of my gorgeous nephew, Tyler:

Are We Not All Mothers?

When I was about 20 and attending Young Adults in my home ward, we were asked to put together the yearly Mothers Day program for Sacrament Meeting. I was asked to do a talk about mothers. Simple enough right? But it wasn't simple. During the weeks before my talk I couldn't shake a conference talk from mind by Sheri Dew called: Are We Not All Mothers? I felt drawn to give that talk because I felt a certain empathy for those women in the ward who were not mothers. Not understanding completely why I was compelled to base my talk on that, I followed my feelings and did base my talk on every woman being a mother and being called to help the children that surround her, whether her own or others. Little did I know at that point in my life, that nearly 10 years later I would be one of those women I had such an affinity for.

And now, how I struggle to remember the message I wanted to give to those women!

Luckily, I am surrounded (not figuratively but emotionally) by supportive women who remind me that I can strive to possess those qualities that mothers have.

As I look back at my adult life I can see how special opportunities have been put in my way to work on those qualities and, I have had the unique opportunity to be as close to being a mother as possible, without giving birth. There was wisdom in Gods plan of having me support a friend through adoption. There was wisdom in having friends who had babies first and me being able to support them and be someone they called on when they needed help. There was absolute wisdom in the answer of many prayers (not just mine) of my greatest opportunity to be a nanny for 5 beautiful children whom I loved as much as I could, and subsequently found an amazing friend through that experience, along with a lot of other inspiring people during that time.

I felt that when I left my nanny job, my next step would be having children of my own. Of course, that was what I thought - newly married with an ideal life ahead of me. Little did I know that my "ideal life" was not to be had.

Years went by and no baby came - somehow in my grieving for that dream I had forgotten that I had the ability to love like a mother. Up until just a few days ago, I forgot about that talk that I had felt so prompted to share. I was as good of an auntie as I could be to my gorgeous nieces and nephews but there was a huge amount of detaching myself from them, because they represented my failings as a woman and mother.

But then God provided me with some tender mercies that have struck my heart.

Spending time with my newest niece, Madi (2 months old), and having her mom allow me to comfort her - and being able to sooth her, unlike some of the other mothers in the room.

Conference - and being told that if I was living a righteous life I had no reason to complain about trials.

An amazing email from a special friend that comforted me in ways nothing else could - and helped me remember how I used to feel about children.

And finally today, my sister in law asked me to go with her to get Madi her vaccinations. She doesn't like to be in there when she gets the shots (usually her husband goes) and she asked me. Someone who has no children, and trusted me enough with the baby to be the one to take her.

As I sat there with the small child on my lap, and as she got her shots and cried, but quieted down as soon as I cuddled her and held her in my arms - all those feeling came shooting back to me - I may never have children of my own - but I have the unique opportunity of being a mother to several different children - of that I am grateful and I can never be thankful enough for a moment of inspiration nearly 10 years ago - of the opportunity of giving myself something I really needed now - hope.

Mothers Day - Part 1

No, I don't have enough things to write about to make 2 parts to my Mothers Day post, but I do have 2 Mothers Days (lucky me!). I think that if I had children, then the prospect of 2 Mothers Days would be quite good but I just dread them for now.

It is hard for people who haven't gone through infertility or know someone who has, to know how to handle it. It is a tricky situation - especially on days like this. I know I may sound ungrateful, and I don't mean to - but like I said I wont censor my thoughts, after all if I did what is the use of a place to share?

Luckily today only Sacrament meeting was themed on Motherhood. I understand that it would be silly to NOT honour mothers today, after all I have one of the very best and she deserves all that honour and more, and I realize that things shouldn't be "toned down" for that one woman in the congregation who cant have kids.

Back in Utah, on Mothers Day they often gave out gifts for the mothers. The way that they handled it was saying, "Would all women 18 and older stand and be appreciated." I felt awkward doing that when I was single, but at least there were other single women standing up and I knew I wasn't the only one.

Today was different. They didn't make any women stand up but they did have lovely flowers for the mothers. They said they'd like to give a flower to all the mothers. Where does that leave me? I know people don't know what to do. Before going through all of this, I wouldn't have even given it a second thought. But this wasn't recognising WOMEN it was just MOTHERS. The 18+ girls didn't get flowers, just the mothers... and me (I was the only one without children there - trust me, I looked).

To tell you the truth I didn't want one, and it wasn't so much rubbing salt in a gaping wound, it was more like me, being an impostor. I would have much rather been passed over, not recognized for what I lacked, but rather, not recognized at all. Does this sound horrible? Does it make sense?

After the lovely talks about mothers were finished and church was over, the last thing I wanted to do was carry around the flower - I made Chris. I know most of this is in my head, people aren't going to care if I get a flower or not - I get that. It doesn't change how I feel.

I just think for someone trying to have a baby, someone who desperately longs for a baby, someone who cant wait to make her own mother a grandma - this day, that is supposed to be full of joy and appreciation becomes slow and horrible torture.

It has been a hard day. Full of attention on my biggest failing.

To make matters worse, I got the defective flower, the one with only half a petal and I found that quite ironic.

So, you may be thinking - we cant win! I don't know what the solution is, maybe I would have felt just as bad had I not gotten a gift - but maybe, this next Mothers Day (for you Americans) look around - look for those women who are smiling but don't have any children to care for, those women who put on a brave face, those women who have tears in their eyes - and give them a smile or a hug and let them know, that you know how hard the day might be for them - and that Mother or not, they are no less of a woman and are loved.

Tender Mercies

Last Sunday I taught the lesson in Relief Society. I searched all over for some ideas of what to teach about and while looking I stumbled upon my favourite conference talk. Ever. As I was debating if I should teach it or not, my computer froze and the computer (and the Lord) made the decision for me.

The talk was The Tender Mercies of the Lord by Elder Bednar. As I was preparing the lesson I started to think what things in my life are "tender mercies" and I couldn't think of many. This made me really sad that either, I wasn't getting any OR I wasn't recognizing them. While I was teaching the lesson, it hit me that I wasn't recognizing them. At that point I made a decision: I would take more notice.

Of course, this week has been horrible and I have found it VERY difficult to think positively enough to find them.

Tonight I was thinking and looking back at the week, while doing so I starting to find a steady stream of "tender mercies" that have to do with my experience with infertility. I started to see that friends have reached out to me in several different ways, sharing their struggles and experiences to help me know - I am not alone in this.

I think with matters of infertility it is easy to feel alone, your spouse doesn't quite get it, and lots of people don't want to talk about it. I struggled at first wondering if I should make my situation common knowledge among my friends and family - but I am glad I did.

I am thankful for those who have shared, and continue to share, their feelings and situations with me - because of them, Heavenly Father got to share a "tender mercy" with me - and luckily this time - I was listening.

I Wasn't Slacking, I was Away

Last Monday morning Chris and I were sitting in the front room and I turned to him and said, "Should we go to the temple?" and before I finished my sentence he was on the phone with the accommodation centre and booked us a room for the evening.  Here in England the closest temple is 2 1/2 hours away so they offer an accommodation centre so that you can spend the night instead of having to drive back and forth in one day (although LOTS of people do it in one day).  The accommodation centres are really nice and you have a choice of several different kinds of rooms with kitchens, bathrooms, single beds, double beds - really anything.  We were out of March within an hour and on our way down.  It is a hard drive to me because I am so used to single lane roads with slow speed limits not motorways with a national speed limits of 70 mph.  On the way to the temple we have to go over a HUGE bridge.  If anyone knows me they know that bridges are my #1 fear... here are a few pictures...


If you could see my little finger you could see that it was white because I was gripping so hard, and yes I was only going 25 mph and that was fast for me, I was in the slow lane and I am sure if the big trucks could have passed me - some of them would have.  Here is a pic off the Internet of the bridge:


Dartford Bridge, London
We also saw this sign on the bridge:

Chris and I thought that "escape lane" looked an awful lot like a shredder.
We finally got to the temple.  We settled in our room and since it was Monday the temple was closed so we just got to relax and walk around the temple here are some pictures:

It was HOT so we went out at night.
The next day we got to go to the temple and it was well worth the drive.  As Chris and I were sitting there we decided that instead of going home that night, we'd say til Friday afternoon.  Here are some more pictures:

Sunburn from the drive...                              In Crawley we found Air...

The lovely grounds...                                             The temple...

The temple grounds are on the Gatwick       Chris LONG eyelashes - and my camera work..
flight path that equals LOUD, low planes.
Come Friday Chris and I both didn't want to come back to March.  We had spent a week without computer, phones, TV, or anything.  We knew once we left the peace of the temple that we'd have to go back to the "real world".
On the way home we were stuck in traffic for at least an hour at the entrance to the Dartford Tunnel - much better than the bridge.  English drivers are crazy and we saw a lot of close calls as cars swerved in and out of traffic.

The rest of the ride home was uneventful - we did take a wrong turn, at which point Chris and I both said we didn't know where we were... we just turned around and found the high street to get out.  All the while, watching for elderly people... lol like the sign above shows.
We got home on Friday and then on Saturday went to the sea side with Chris friend, David and his girlfriend Clair - we went to Sandringham as well (pictures and post to follow).  We had a great time, despite the rain.
Sunday we went to church and have been moping around all week.  We had a great time away last week, but I guess it is back to reality.
More posting to come.

My Week

Hello Internet.  I am sitting here doing nothing so I thought I should do something productive... in truth, I have a Relief Society lesson that still needs to be done, a bathroom that won't clean itself - no matter how long I leave it in those hopes, and dinner to be fixed.  But, I don't feel like doing any of that.
I am in a bad mood - one of those don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't breath near me moods.  Why?  Well I don't know really.  It has been a long week and I am sure that has contributed to it.
I consider myself a nice person.  I try to do what I am asked and I struggle when I cant keep those commitments, which I have learned, makes me a perfect candidate for high stress church callings.  I have a chronic case of "cant say no" syndrome which makes things a little hard to deal with at times, but most of the time I don't mind saying "YES!"  I have a personality trait - or secret radar that seems to attract people who tend to take advantage of me or more often lie to me.  I don't know what it is, but it seems I can find those people in any group - or should I say they find me. 
I think when I was younger I was always in charge.  It was my way or nothing - ask my long-suffering childhood friends.  But it seemed like the older I got the less like that I was, around some people.  I was always trying to please everyone, adults, church leaders, parents, teachers, older friends, etc.  And somewhere in that switch from having the confidence to tell people what I wanted it became easier for them to tell me instead.
Do I blame anyone?  Yes and No - I guess when you are trying to make certain crushes like you, and are willing to do whatever they want and even worse they encourage and accept that you become a floor mat then you can lay some blame with them. 
I remember when I took an abuse class at the YWCA, although I don't remember too much, my mentor told me - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. This was a light bulb moment for me - you mean every time I say no and feel horrible isn't a natural feeling?
I think my life is filled with guilt because of things I cant do.  This week I had a severe chest infection - and it was a feat of strength to..... breathe? Yes, but that wasn't what was hardest, the hardest thing was to call in sick to work, because I didn't want them to be mad at me.  And it goes on and on like that - today the missionaries in our area wanted to come to our house to plan for the week because the landlord was working on the house they are staying - me, cant say no - says sure and they are here at our apartment from 11:00 - 4:30.  While I sit in my room just waiting.  I could go on and on...
I understand that I can do something to change the problems I have with this - I can just say no!  That is definitely something to work on... but here is the thing, that I feel goes hand in hand but that I cant help..
People lie to me.  Straight out lie.  Why is that?  It is quite rude actually and a personal attack on my intelligence.  I wont go into details - wouldn't want call anyone out ;) but, I am wondering how I can change this....
Does anyone else have these problems or HAD these problems?  Any advice?? Or, I know, what is it about me that attracts these people?

Tiny Moments ... Day 23

This is the closest ward house to us and we took at trip there today for a meeting.  It is in Peterborough, and although it is still quite small - by Utah standards - we enjoy it every time we come here, considering what we have to meet at here in March.

Insert Witty Title Here

I am too tired to think of a witty title... Here is what has been going on with me.
First we got a new car!  We took the car back to the dealership but not without him warning us "DONT EVER BUY A CAR HERE AGAIN!"  Hey, no problem, didn't he realize we were bringing one BACK?!?!  But luckily we had a call from the lovely mechanic we took with us to look at the "trade" the dealer offered earlier last week.  He told us there was someone selling a "pucker" car - in England that means a really good one.  We totally trusted him and took the money to him the next day to buy the car he told us about - and we weren't disappointed.  It is a cute red Citron (French car) and has a radio and only 75,000 miles (which is good for a 1994), AND the horn is on the end of the blinker -- needless to say I have pounded the steering wheel for no reason it will take some getting used to.  It has been a great car so far, and fingers crossed it will take us all around the country without problem.  3 cars in 18 months?  We deserve this one...
Bridget the Car - named by Elder Jones
Today has been a hard day though, we said good-bye to both of our amazing missionaries - one going home (back to Utah) and the other to Wales.  I was overcome with emotion as we said goodbye, mostly because I was so homesick and I was super jealous of one of them getting to go back to Utah.  It is something I want so badly but I just have to wait - which, as many of you know... is hard for me.
Things here keep moving along though, I cant believe it is February.
But, anyway... here you go, here are some pictures of my cute niece...
  
 
Starting tomorrow I will be doing the 30 Tiny Moments photo project that many of my favourite blog authors are doing. (www.kerflop.com and www.mandajuice.com)
What it is, is a picture a day for 30 days of just the simple things in life.  That means, for at least 30 days you'll get a photo from me - so keep watching!