I Moved…

I moved last month.  It was a very quick decision.  We had been asking our landlord to move us to a 2 bedroom for years (that is not an exaggeration)  now – but because we didn’t have kids, they wouldn’t move us.  Luckily one day we got a phone call saying a 2 bedroom was available and so we jumped at the chance – even though that meant we had a weekend to move everything.  The best thing was that we moved from one of the apartment buildings to another on the complex so it wasn’t too complicated to move.  Even better, was we got some men from church to help us move.  It is amazing how many things 2 people can have in 5 years of marriage. 

Well this next series of posts is going to be a tour of the new flat.  I realize that this is going to be quite boring for most, but my mom has asked for pictures several times and her wish is my command (most the time!).  So today you get the…. Sitting Room (alright, try to contain your excitement!).

 

These are the French doors to the outside world (the curtains and carpet where here when we moved in.  They are nice, but not my style.).  This is one of the things we LOVED  when we viewed the  flat.  Upon studying this picture it also looks like something one might see while dying…. “head to the white light!!”

This is the sitting room.  We have soooooooooo much more room now.  The washing is drying (I couldn’t take it all down to take a picture, the sun shines so rarely we always take advantage.) 

The piano and my American magazines – when I find them over here its like I’ve won the lottery.  The blue on the wall was our first try at painting the room – it is horrible in person so this weekend we are going to try take two – with a light brown. 

 

The View Outside – these are all taken from the doors in the Sitting Room:

Those trees are lovely but in the spring the amount of things that flew through the open doors from the tree was quite annoying – I think Autumn might be worse!  But the shade is so nice in the warmer weather – so I shouldn’t complain (I will, but I shouldn’t).

The church car park.  It is a rare occasion when there are no cars there.  It makes for a good seat for weddings and awkward seats for funerals.  Funny story:  The first week we were here, I had the music BLASTING to give me motivation to do the unpacking and cleaning with the doors and windows open wide.  The song Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis came on and I was singing along.  I happened to look out the door and noticed that there was a funeral going on.  The hearse had just pulled up and there were a lot of people standing outside solemnly.  I decided that the music (especially that song) wasn’t appropriate for a funeral and promptly turned it off.  I am a bit more careful now.

The view looking right.  There is the Zebra crossing right there and that building is the town museum.  Open only 2 days a week and never busy!  I’ve never been there.  The metal gate is a favourite for the nieces and the twins that I babysit.  There are always fights over who gets to swing it open – it’s the simple things right?!?

This is the view looking left.  That is the alley way to the car park.  We are quite secluded here (only 4 have doors this side of the building).

The view looking down.  We are on the 2nd floor (if you are American) or the 1st (if you are English).  Just one of those things that make my life more complicated than necessary, like on the phone when I tell the delivery person that we are in a second floor flat, only to have Chris shout out FIRST!   Also a favourite spot for the kids to hang out of and give their parents regular, tiny heart attacks.  (Don’t worry they are safe!!)

The view straight across to the church.

 

All in all it is a lovely place.  We are working on decorating it, but it has given us so much more room.  There will be other posts this week  for the other rooms (I know, you can hardly wait).

I’ve Been Here…. Where Have YOU Been?

I finally gave in and updated my blog – don't be surprised, I am not blogging because I don't want too – because I DO, my fingers have been itching to get on here and write ‘til my hearts content.  But, lately I’ve been trying to be a bit of an adult and in being an adult, I’ve had to work on “priorities”.  These priorities include (but are not limited to…)

*  Primary President Issues (until, that is, the Branch dissolved which leads to a lot of other posts).

*  Moving – which explains my first month of absence from the blogging world.

*  University work!  Yes, instead of writing thousands of words via my blog, I have had to prioritise putting the effort into writing thousands of words for University.  Not only that but this Arts class has now clashed with my Photography class resulting in a crisis of time management (hence my second month of being absent from my blog).

But rest assured (for me mostly) that once this week is over (my essay is due Friday) I will be back – with a vengeance.  I have lots to share – cross country train trips, new friends and church family, new flat, new photos, and some new writing ideas – so don't give up on me – just let me be an adult for a little bit longer and then I’ll be write back to making my blog one of my “urgent priorities”.

Back Monday!!!

More To Life?

A month or so ago, I found out that a charity for infertility here in England was going to have an event for those living with involuntary childlessness – without thinking of any of the details I booked and paid for my space.

This last Saturday was the day.  Chris and I got got train tickets to London and planned on me going to the seminar and Chris finding something else to do while I was there (read: traveling around London on the Tube).

Before it started Chris and I went to the British Museum so I could have an up close and personal look at the Benin Bronzes – the subject of my latest 1500 word essay for University.  I was not disappointed!  It was quite amazing to see something like that in person (although I’ve been to the museum several times before, this was the first time I had STUDIED something there).

But the most important thing that happened that day was the More to Life seminar.  I am not very open on this blog about my struggles with infertility – not because I am embarrassed or ashamed, but because it is deeply personal and still extremely painful.

The whole seminar was about living your best, happiest life without children *gasp* is that possible!?!?

I must admit I was a bit hesitant and when I walked into the building and was greeted by several very kind women, I sat there on my own shocked by the realization that – I was there, I was at a seminar about living life without children, me, someone who everyone thought would have the most children, the nanny, I was there.  I looked around and saw women of all ages and races and had the thought, how lovely each of these women know exactly how I feel.

You see, I have a husband and family and friends who are incredibly supportive of me – but none of them REALLY know how I feel. 

They don't know the dread every time I hear a pregnancy announcement, they don't know how it feels to love nieces and nephews but sometimes cant be around them because it is too hard.  They don't know how I feel less of a woman because I cant give my husband the title father and my parents the title grandparents.  But these women did!!!  The speakers knew all  of these things, and by them acknowledging them made me feel more human and sane – because sometimes the thoughts that enter my head when it comes to my lack of children, make me feel like I am slightly crazy or excessive in my anger or sadness – but I’m not – I AM NORMAL!!!

Then the breakthrough of the day happened when I was given permission to find GOOD things about not having children, permission to change my thinking, permission to feel sad that I cant have children but also feel happy that I don't have to pay for them and loose sleep for them.   THIS WAS AMAZING!!!  All these years (and especially the last one) I was walking around thinking of all the things I didn't have because I didn't have children, but after Saturday I am slowly beginning to think of all the things I do have or CAN have because I DONT.

Does this mean my desire for having a child is gone? NO, absolutely not – but it does mean that I can heal, that I can eventually find happiness in my childlessness.

After the seminar I met up with Chris and we went to his old stomping ground in London and went for Chinese.  As we were sitting there waiting for our food, I saw a cute little family walk in – and I thought, “awwwww I wish I had kids.”  Then as I watched them struggle with the kids and have to take turns taking them to the toilet, my next thought was, “wow, that looks like hard work, I am glad it is just me and Chris.”  Guess what?  I didn't feel bad about thinking that either – and I think that is progress!

Thanks to More To Life, I have a different outlook on my childlessness and it is refreshing and surprising and hopeful!

Photo Friday

I thought maybe I’d start doing an entry on Friday just of random photo’s that I love, but don't really want to write a whole entry about the occasion for the photos – does that make sense?  Like, these photo’s today are from my Mother-in-Laws birthday party.  It just might bore you to tears if I recounted all the happenings of the night, so I will just share some pictures:

 

These kids are some of the absolute best things about my life here in England.

Signs of Spring

It has been a long winter for me, which is surprising because I spent the coldest months in America – but coming back to England, and the months following have seemed to take forever.  I sure miss the sun!  Coming from Utah to England – the first year I really struggled with the lack of sunlight during the winter months.  It starts to get dark around 3:30 p.m. in the middle of winter, and most times during the day you just see clouds and fog  - no sunshine.  I thought for sure by the time I’d been here for a while (nearly 5 years!) I would be used to it – but I’m not.
Sunday the sun came out and the the temperature warmed a bit – so I decided to take my new camera and go and look for some signs of spring. 

The above picture doesn't show spring is coming, but it makes me smile every time I walk past it.

On of the best things that happen here in England during spring is that daffodils pop up all over the place – really, on the sides of the roads, roundabouts, gardens, parks, EVERYWHERE – it is so beautiful to drive down the road and see them – it is a SURE sign that spring is on its way.

I don't fool myself to think that Spring is completely here – its foggy and freezing today – but it is nice to see some signs of hope.

Pancake Day!!

One holiday here in England I can really get behind and celebrate is… Pancake Day!  Here in England we always celebrate it on a Tuesday (Shrove Tuesday).  The pancakes here in England are like crepes – but I figure why celebrate Pancake Day in England with American Pancakes??  People over he put all kinds of things on their pancakes – sweet or savoury.  I went to the store and got some strawberry jam, chocolate spread, marshmallows, peanut butter, and pancake mix (I know, I cheated).  Chris got home from school and we made the pancakes together –here are some pictures:









Pancake Day originated a long time ago when people would use up all their sugar and butter to begin Lent the following day.  Although I don't do Lent, I thought this year I would try to give something up for the time of Lent, this year -chocolate (yeah…we’ll see how this goes!).

Another Website??

Hello!  As you may, or my not know, I am an occasional contributor on my friends crafty, churchy (in a great way), creative, and all round lovely blog.  I write a little something every Thursday about journaling, scrapbooking, or photography.  Have a look at this weeks entry at:  http://homemakinghoneys.blogspot.com/

 

 

In Conclusion…

We finally reached his car and again we went through the whole, almost losing a limb portion of the date. By now there were crowds of people around his car because we got there so early, and they were just talking and laughing and standing in the way of my sanity! He got in. Sat down and didn’t turn on the car.

“Do you want to say it or do you want me to say it?”

Oh my gosh! This wasn’t happening! We said one prayer already! Did we really need two!?!? Where the comics sooooooooo “off color” that we needed this prayer. He wasn’t going to say it again, I knew it, it was my turn. My turn to pray in front of the crowds of people. My turn to pray for something! What? That I could get home SOON? That Ed might loose my number? That I might wake up from this nightmare?

“Ehhh, alright, okay.’

And then I prayed. It was the shortest, fastest, and sadly enough, most insincere prayer I have ever offered. Ever. He looked at me when I was done and patted my leg. He started the car and backed up nearly hitting several people in the process.

We got onto the freeway and I said to him,

“So got any big plans for the weekend?”

Big mistake!

“Well, tomorrow I am going to get arrested. I am going to go to a few schools and take some pictures of some kids for a friend. It is illegal so I’ll have to sneak about it and if I get caught I’ll get arrested.”

What kind of a freaky answer is that??? I don’t think any amount of praying before, after, or during that little escapade was going to help him. Not wanting to know more I sat quietly in the car.

“I’ll have to take my gun.”

Great. I was driving down the freeway at 55 MPH with a man who the very next day was going to go take pictures of children, hidden from anyone, with a gun. Great.

“You know I was engaged two times?”

Did I want to hear this? Was this a confession? When people were telling me about Ed someone had mentioned in passing that he had killed the two people he was engaged to. I thought they were making a joke. I’m going to die tonight.

“Yeah the first one, we just didn’t know each other well enough. The second one wrote me for a while on the internet. We decided to meet up and she kept putting me off. Finally, I knew something was wrong and did some detective work and found out she was 60.”

5 more miles. 5 more miles. Say something.....

“Oh Ed, I’m sorry.”

There. I am nice, I care now let me out. We were now in front of my apartment complex but he didn’t stop. Nope he drove right past to the rail road tracks. About 2 houses away from my apartment. He stopped. Locked the doors, turned off the car and looked at me.

“Have you ever been in love before?”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Where is my cell phone 911 911 911 911. I answer,

“No, I haven’t, I mean I don’t think so.”

His hopeful eyes suddenly looked defeated.

“Oh, okay. Well I had a good time Jamie. I’ll call you again. Lets go out this weekend.”

NO! I was on the verge of being killed by my date, on the railroad tracks. I would have to say my words carefully.

“Awww Ed. Thanks. I am busy for a while with work and stuff you understand right? Hey, though thanks for the evening.”

By now the doors were unlocked, and the creepiness was out of his eyes, mostly. I just wanted to go home but what happened to dropping a girl off at her place. I know it would be best for a Ed to walk me to my door but at this point I think I felt safer knowing he wasn’t. The least he could have done was reverse his car to my place. I could tell he wasn’t going to. I would have to walk down the hill, in the mud down the sidewalk, to my apartment door. He turned back on the car. I took that as my cue to get out. I got out.

“Thanks again.”

“Hey, Jamie?”

I thought that maybe he was going to walk me to my door. I guess that wouldn’t be so bad. I mean after what just happened, that was cake. At least there would be more witnesses by the apartment if he was going to try anything.

“Jamie, can I borrow your cell phone?”

What?!!? Here I am out of the car ready to shut the door on this night of my life and now he wants to use my minutes?? My cell phone?? My time??

“Sure!”

I handed him the phone. He had to call his sister to go over to her house. He handed me back my phone. I start to put it back in my purse and search for my keys. Just as I got to shut the door, it barely closes and he speeds off like his in a race. I watch as his taillights go down the street and then I head back towards my house.

I get inside and immediately call my friend in New York and then my friend in West Valley and then my mom. I shouldn’t have told the people at work I had a date. The next morning I would have to go back and tell them the story. But I guess that is what I get for, what did I say at first?

…I had decided with my horrible, awful luck with men that maybe - just maybe it was the “type” of man I was dating. So I had decided against all of my better judgment and all of my friends judgment to go out with him.

We Interrupt This Story…

Just wanted to let my few (but faithful) readers know of a few changes to the blog:

*  MAKEOVER!!

*  Archives!  I imported my old MSN Spaces blog and now have all the entries I’ve ever blogged – starting in 2005.  They are pretty funny (for me) to look back on.

*  Labels to find entries faster

*  You can now be my follower – just remember to sign up at the side of the page – that way you can know when I update.

*  New tabs on the top – all pages coming soon!

Let me know what you think – if I don’t get back to you its because my brain has exploded from trying to sort everything out!

Conclusion of the story tomorrow, and then I have some ideas in the pipeline to start blogging a bit more. 

Part 2

…We pulled up to the club. It wasn’t really a club at all. It was a small, small building. One of many in a small strip mall. He pulled out his tattered wallet and got out, not cash, but a yellow 2-for-1 coupon. Now don’t get me wrong. I love coupons! I use them myself from time to time but Ed went on to tell me the following story:
“This one time. I went out with this one girl. And she saw that I had coupons and totally freaked out on me and stuff. So I just wanted to let you know that I would be using a coupon before I gave it to the cashier so you didn’t freak out. I mean come on, if you can save a few bucks, save a few bucks, right?”
Keep in mind this isn’t the full story. If I were to write the whole explanation of the coupons, my “short” story would rival a novel like Crime and Punishment. Let me be honest. Ed paid for my ticket, $5.00. Somehow it just didn’t seem right. I mean being frugal is one thing but cheep, this was very close to verging on cheep.
I hadn’t been there before. Once you paid you walked down a long hallway and entered through a black curtain. When you stepped in there was a room packed with tables and chairs. All black too. They had about eight long conference-like tables in the middle and we decided to sit in one of those. We scooted into the middle of a table that seated about 16 people. Let me tell you the biggest flaw of the seating arrangements. The chairs were somehow welded together. So you couldn’t scoot them at all. Basically once you were sitting there was no moving - especially if you had people on either side of you.
The waiter came by and gave us the menu. It was then I realized I hadn’t had anything to eat all day long. I was famished! He proceeded to tell me,
“Get whatever you want.”
I decided on cheese sticks and a Dr. Pepper. He wanted nacho’s and a virgin Margarita. When the waiter came by he took our order. As he was walking away Ed yelled,
“Hey make sure there isn’t any alcohol in that drink at all! None! I don’t like it. It isn’t good.”
Some of the people around us looked up, I just smiled, what else could I do? Then I realized that the other couple that was supposed to meet up with us weren’t there yet. I asked,
“Hey Ed, where are your friends? The show is going to start soon isn’t it?”
“Yeah, I don’t know, they are late. Don’t you hate it when people are late??”
My mind flashed back to me sitting on my couch waiting for a tardy date just an hour earlier. Just as I was going to make an attempt to start a conversation he stood up and was hugging some people that just walked in. They all sat down. The woman who I had pictured in my mind as a super-human monster ready to pounce, was a short, squatty, round woman. Nothing to worry about with her. Her date was a tall, skinny, lurpy man.
“Jamie this is Steve and Pam. Steve worked with me and got me the coupon, and Pam, well I told you already, we used to date.”
“Nice to meet you both. We just got here and ordered.”
As I was sitting trying to get comfortable in the chairs I heard Steve say to Ed,
“Good job, Ed”
Then Steve proceeded to pat Ed on the back. I don’t consider myself a “catch”. But, I’ll take the compliment, no matter how sexist it suddenly seemed.
In the meantime during introductions the waiter had brought the food to us. I got my Dr. Pepper but still hadn’t seen any cheese sticks. Then I looked over. In the short time it had been since we got our food Ed had eaten most of the cheese sticks. They weren’t passed to me at all. They were gone and I was going to faint from lack of nutrients and they were eating all my food!!!! Ed offered me nachos. I didn’t want his yucky nachos! If I wanted nachos I would have ordered them myself! And now, now my food was gone! GONE! Suddenly the whole excuse of the offensive comic sounded quite appealing. Not because he didn’t give me my food, but because he didn’t give me my food. You know what I mean. How rude of him!
Well it was 7:30. What hadn’t the show started yet?? I was hungry, hot and really hating these chairs. My thighs were touching his and he probably was thinking I was doing it on purpose for human contact with my new “favorite man” when I was doing all I could to stop all the human contact in general. I thought the show started at 7:30! I leaned to Ed, engrossed in a computer conversation a.k.a. foreign language to me,
“Ummm Ed, sorry to interrupt I am your date though, some attention would be nice, but I was just wondering when the show started?”
Steve chimed in,
“8:00.”
“Thanks.”
8:00?!!?!? Another half an hour! What was I going to do for a half an hour? Starve? I turned to look at the crowd and suddenly Ed had his arm around me. I guess the computer conversation is over. I turned to him. I wasn’t comfortable with this whole possession, arm around my shoulders thing so I thought, maybe if I scoot to the side he will get the hint. I went to scoot my chair over a little and kind of make it look like I was moving the chair to be able to face him better, stupid stuck together chairs! That wouldn’t work. So I just turned my body. He noticed I had a purple gemstone ring on my right hand.
“Hey could I look at that ring??”
Innocent enough, I thought. So I took off the ring and handed it to him.
“This is a really nice ring Jamie where did you get it? Wow you much have some money to get nice things like this!”
“I actually got it at Target for 10.00. Thanks though.”
I went to look down at my bare hand and suddenly he grabbed my left hand and slipped the ring onto my wedding ring finger!
“Jamie will you marry me?”
I was freaking out! Was he kidding? He looked serious, didn’t he? No, he was smiling. Was he smiling because it was a joke or because of the petrified look I must have had on my face.
“Whoa, no I guess. Just kidding anyway.”
No you guess!?!?!? It was going to be a looooooooong half hour until the show started. I grabbed the ring off my left hand and put it right back on the right hand and clasped my fingers. If he was thinking this was some leeway to holding my hand he was wrong!
“So Jamie what do you like to do in your spare time?”
Now there is a typical first date question.
“Well, I like to play piano, hang out with friends, go to the theatre, you know just stuff. Oh, I also like to write.”
“Tell me something you have written?”
“Oh I don’t share it. It is just mine.”
“Come on I write poetry too. I’ll share with you.”
“Ohhh no thanks. It is just mine. Sorry.”
“Come on”
“No”
“Please”
“No”
By this point he was starting to lean in towards me and hang on me and... beg.
“I think we are close enough we could share.”
“No, thanks.”
“Come on!”
Now he is starting to get a little pushy, not to mention a little too close for my comfort.
“Ed No!”
I didn’t realize I said it loud. I guess I forgot we were in a public place but, both Steve and Pam were jolted out of their conversation to look at us - along with all the couples around us. Pam said,
“Is he bugging you Jamie? He isn’t getting what he wants... he isn’t used to that.”
Now that comment verges on things that are offering up too much information, especially from an ex.
“Well he better get used to it tonight!”
At that point Pam leaned over to Ed and tickled him and said,
“Oooooo Ed! I like her!”
Thinking to myself she better not like me this is the last she is going to see of me. Just then to my relief the lights dimmed. I sat back, slightly pinching Ed’s skin between my chair and my back, maybe he would get the point then. No such luck.
The first two comics went without incident. There were some pretty funny jokes said and I would start to laugh and look to Ed to see if he was laughing too but he had on his “I’m so offended, but wont leave because I paid good money for the tickets” face. I muffled my laughs most of the time, but there were sometimes I couldn’t help it and turned to see him changing from his first face to the “I do not believe you thought that joke was funny” face. Oh well! At this point I could care less about impressing him and just wanted to have some fun. The main comic came on.
“So Utah, hu? Mormons... I read an article in the newspaper about you Utan’s. It said 2% of the population are polygamists. So by raise of hands... where are my polygamists in the audience??”
Waking myself from the dream that the rest of the date would go off without incident, Ed jumped, that’s right, jumped up from his seat and waved his arms and pointed proudly to ME! Realizing what was going on I tried to stop him, pull him down or something. By this point the place was packed with people all at this very minute looking from him to me with amused faces.
“Must be hard handling that many women!”
“No, just expensive!”
The audience laughed, the comic thanked Ed with his eyes for going along with this whole thing and Ed sat down. Placing his arm around me again. The stares lingered from people in the audience. He smiled at me,
“That was funny hu Jamie.”
I gave a half smile with a pure look of fear and turned back to the comic. Please don’t make any more jokes about Mormons, or marriage, or men, or women, or love, or sex or anything. Please end now – for the love... LET ME GO HOME!
The set was going well. The jokes turned to Hollywood and things Ed wouldn’t know about. Then it happened again.
“There are some beautiful women in Utah!”
“Right here!”
Ed yelled pointing at me. Like I said before, I don’t think I am anything special, but even this time although the compliment was just that - a compliment - I was so humiliated that I didn’t want it.
“Beautiful women, like you - you have beautiful black hair, and you, you are a cute little thing, and you, wow!”
“Right here! She’s beautiful, Right here!!!”
Ed continued to yell. Turning to him and trying to silence him, he finally gave up. Why he gave up I’ll never know. But thank heavens! He gave up. Endearing and flattering as it was - he gave up.
The sets were over. Time to go home. Best part of the night. We shuffled out with the rest of the crowd. Many of the guys giving us looks of amusement and many of the women giving me looks of sympathy. The comics were all standing in a line ready to shake our hands and give away some of those yellow coupons. I was in front of Ed. We had said a quick good-bye to his friends inside because they were still paying. I hurried out as quickly as possible and I heard to my terror Ed yelling to me over the crowd,
“I didn’t like it Jamie. I thought that the jokes were very off-color and all those guys just look so depressed.”
I didn’t look back, I couldn’t then I would have to look at the faces of the comics. I walked toward the door. I wanted out. Get me out get me out get me out!!!!!!!!!
To Be Continued (in one more part)…