NEW PICTURES

To read the blog entry go to:

http://jamieinjest.blogspot.com/

To look at the pictures just click on the album ------------------------------------------>

What’s Been Going On – In Pictures

The seasons turned from Spring – to a nice green Summer.
 
Tyler, my nephew, turned 2 years old.  His birthday was on the 23rd, party on the Saturday following, and I remember my goal for that day (being home for just a day) was to wrap his present.  He is such a funny kid and is soooo tall.  He is as tall as the 3 year olds and it very “solid”.  He is such a good kid and is always making us laugh.  The other day we ran into him at the supermarket.  We said goodbye and as him and his mum walked to the top of the isle and I went to the next one I could hear him shouting, “JAMIE!!!!”








3 weeks after my surgery, Chris had to have dental surgery at a hospital in Cambridge.  He was quite a trooper and didn't have any complications.   He just stayed in for a few hours and when he got home he had the best nurse money couldn't buy – me.

This is our new pet, Freda (named by Chris).  She has made her nest in the rain gutter outside our window.  She has caused me a lot of worry (in England it RAINS and I was nervous for her eggs) but I called the local bird welfare agency and have been assured that she will be fine and interestingly enough, was told pigeons are protected by law and if I move her or her nest I could get charges pressed against me.  I have rolled up a towel to stop the heavy flow of water to her nest and so now I have to wait (and enjoy).  She will incubate for 2 1/2 weeks and then it will be a further month before the babies fly the nest.

* * * * * * *

Yesterday while I was babysitting the twins (who we affectionately call “the Germans” – because they are) Chris decided to come with me and we all went on a walk to the church nearby and also the old cemetery.  Even though it isn't too far from our own flat, we have never been to the cemetery.  I often take the twins to the church grounds and let them enjoy the trees (meaning branches, conkers, seeds, dirt, etc.) and the wide open space - I enjoy the scenery.  The cemetery was so old and run down – the stuff of horror movies.  There were broken headstones, vines, big trees, and old graves.  The kids, of course were drawn to the big, fallen branches. 

Gates to the cemetery.

 

Some of the many headstones and the lovely flowers at the church.  As one of the twins said yesterday, “It is lovely weather.”   Here in England – we take advantage of it. It was, a very nice day.

 

The twins with their branch (we had to “downgrade” before we left).  Views of the big trees and old graves with the church standing in the background.

Striking angel statue on the headstone of an eleven year old child.  The grave was over 100 years old.

 

One of the many public footpaths through the fields.  The twins love to “go have an adventure” and explore these pathways.

 

The grounds of the church and the HUGE trees.  You can tell its been hot, the grass is usually a lush green from all of the rain – not so far this summer.

 

The church.  So beautiful.  Sometimes I just sit back and find it hard to believe (even still) that I actually live in England.

 

The twins in front of the church.  It has been such an amazing blessing to work for this family.  I have known the kids since they were 18 months old, and have become their regular babysitter.  They have taught me so much about adapting to a different culture (their parents are from Germany) but keeping traditions from home.  I love to hear them in deep German conversations with each other.

So, I guess life goes on – even when  you feel like it might not.  All I have to do is look around at all the good things I am surrounded by and life doesn't seem quite so dreary – rain or not. 

Mourning

One of the things that make infertility so difficult and hard to “get over” is that unlike usual loss – an infertile couple can never completely mourn the loss of what they will never have – sometimes that is a child, sometimes it is a biological child, sometimes it is natural conception – there are so many different reasons we may mourn.

I have been reading books, blogs, emails, articles, etc. and all of them say, “take time to mourn.”

I have, oh how I’ve mourned – but usually not by outward, public tears.  In the quite moments of the night, in my husbands arms – I have cried.  But, I pride myself in “putting on a brave face” and when I am in public or talking to people, I smile, nod my head, and hesitantly agree with the common adage, “well there must be a reason.” 

But Sunday, I cried.  Sunday I mourned.

They weren't noticeable tears, and I have learned to get rid of them quickly if necessary.

Is this easy for me to admit?  No! 

I was in a church class, discussing Hannah (from the Old Testament).  Did you know Hannah was infertile for a long time?  Did you know that it troubled her so much that at times she stopped eating?  Did you know that her husbands other (fertile) wife would hurt her feelings about not having children?

Well… (keep in mind, this may seem quite silly to you), as we were closing the teacher asked what the parents out there would do if they had to give up a child.  Someone (who I am sure meant no offence) said jokingly, “depends on the day.”

I know that this will be a common occurrence in my infertile life – I do need to “get used to it” – but, it doesn't stop the pain or stop the mourning I was writing about earlier.  Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want people to “monitor” what they say around me and I know how hard dealing with children day in and day out can sometimes be – but it is all complaining and no appreciating?

In the best book I have read about infertility Infertility: Hope, Help, and Healing – by Kerstin Daynes, there is an appendix filled with valuable information for people who know someone who is struggling with infertility.  Some of the best advice she gives is, “There are many emotions that come with infertility: shock, anger, disappointment, personal failure, isolation, guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, envy, jealousy, and loss of privacy are just a few.  Be sensitive to each of these emotions.  One last thing:  Be a good parent yourself.  Recognize the truly magnificent gift you have – children.  Treat your children well. Teach them. Cherish them. 

Do I think that if I ever get to have children I wont complain about them? No, I am sure I will (after all I do love my sleep) – but I can promise you this much – that those complaints will be coupled with appreciation, and after everything I’ve been through, I might just have a look around and think twice.

**This post was not written to anyone in particular – just a vent.

Still Here

Hello Internet… I am still here.
Some days (like today) I am not totally emotionally here – but I am “hanging in there”.
I think though, that I should give everyone a bit of an update of how I am doing and what has happened.  Part of the reason I haven't it because I am struggling with how much info to give on such a public forum – but I do realize people want to know – and maybe someone can be helped by what I am dealing with.

*  April 20th I went in for keyhole surgery to burn out some endometriosis (stage 5 – the worst).
*  They made an incision in my belly button (I HATE that fact) and one on the side of my stomach.
*  Because they were having problems keeping me breathing and because the Dr. cut a cyst and I started bleeding quite badly (loosing 1.5 litres of blood) they decided to do an open C-Section type cut.
*  They stopped the bleeding and decided to remove the left ovary and tube.  The managed to disconnect the bowel from the uterus and clear up most of the endo and put in a drain and close me up.
*  They also found that there was significant scaring and endo on my right tube – thus making me chances of naturally conceiving at about 0%.
*  I was in the hospital for 4 days.  They were HARD and very painful days.
*  When I got home I couldn't eat anything (really nauseous) and started to get an infection.  We called the on call doctor and he came to the house, checked me out, and gave me some antibiotics.
*  I continued to progress well.  I was very well taken care of from people in the Church (my Visiting Teacher is a Nurse).  Chris took very good care of me as well.
*  Three weeks into healing I was driving, attending church, cleaning, walking, etc. 
I consider myself so very, very blessed (despite the outcome).   One night in particular I was really worried about getting a blood clot (I have been wearing anti-embolism stockings for nearly 6 weeks now 24/7).  I just prayed that I could relax and rest.  I finally drifted off to sleep and the next morning when I woke up – I was so thankful – thankful that I had actually woken up, that I was feeling progressively better, and that nothing worse had happened to me in the surgery.
Now, to say that this whole thing has been easy would be a complete lie.  It was easy to push away the implications of the surgery when I was focused on recovery, when some days my goal was just to sit up for 30 minutes.  Now, that I am nearly fully recovered physically – I have found that emotionally I have a LONG way to go.
I am sure there will be more posts about infertility in the days and weeks to come. 
I must say, thank you – thank you to everyone who has reached out to me via cards, emails, Facebook, etc.  This whole thing has been so hard to go through so far away – and the lack of support on this end, from most (but not all), has been more than disappointing.  Your prayers, thoughts, and support have helped in ways that you will never know.  Thank you…. 

Mothers Day: Part 2

Sunday is the second Mothers Day that I get/have to celebrate.  England and America celebrate them on different days – if I were a mother I’d be quite pleased and make sure I celebrated BOTH, but since I am not a mother every Mothers Day is very hard for me.
I wrote about this on my babystepstobaby blog, and, after my surgery happened upon it quite by accident.  What a blessing it was to find it and read it!  I thought I would re-post it (since right now I don't think I could have such a positive attitude). 
                                * * * * *
When I was about 20 and attending Young Adults in my home ward, we were asked to put together the yearly Mothers Day program for Sacrament Meeting. I was asked to do a talk about mothers. Simple enough right? But it wasn't simple. During the weeks before my talk I couldn't shake a conference talk from mind by Sheri Dew called: Are We Not All Mothers? I felt drawn to give that talk because I felt a certain empathy for those women in the ward who were not mothers. Not understanding completely why I was compelled to base my talk on that, I followed my feelings and did base my talk on every woman being a mother and being called to help the children that surround her, whether her own or others. Little did I know at that point in my life, that nearly 10 years later I would be one of those women I had such an affinity for.

And now, how I struggle to remember the message I wanted to give to those women!
Luckily, I am surrounded (not figuratively but emotionally) by supportive women who remind me that I can strive to possess those qualities that mothers have.
As I look back at my adult life I can see how special opportunities have been put in my way to work on those qualities and, I have had the unique opportunity to be as close to being a mother as possible, without giving birth. There was wisdom in Gods plan of having me support a friend through adoption. There was wisdom in having friends who had babies first and me being able to support them and be someone they called on when they needed help. There was absolute wisdom in the answer of many prayers (not just mine) of my greatest opportunity to be a nanny for 5 beautiful children whom I loved as much as I could, and subsequently found an amazing friend through that experience, along with a lot of other inspiring people during that time.

I felt that when I left my nanny job, my next step would be having children of my own. Of course, that was what I thought - newly married with an ideal life ahead of me. Little did I know that my "ideal life" was not to be had.
Years went by and no baby came - somehow in my grieving for that dream I had forgotten that I had the ability to love like a mother. Up until just a few days ago, I forgot about that talk that I had felt so prompted to share. I was as good of an auntie as I could be to my gorgeous nieces and nephews but there was a huge amount of detaching myself from them, because they represented my failings as a woman and mother.

But then God provided me with some tender mercies that have struck my heart.

Spending time with my newest niece, Madie (*2 months old), and having her mom allow me to comfort her - and being able to sooth her, unlike some of the other mothers in the room, conference - and being told that if I was living a righteous life I had no reason to complain about trials,
and an amazing email from a special friend that comforted me in ways nothing else could - and helped me remember how I used to feel about children.

And finally today, my sister in law asked me to go with her to get her baby her vaccinations. She doesn't like to be in there when she gets the shots (usually her husband goes) and she asked me, someone who has no children, and trusted me enough with the baby to be the one to take her.
As I sat there with the small child on my lap, and as she got her shots and cried, but quieted down as soon as I cuddled her and held her in my arms - all those feeling came shooting back to me - I may never have children of my own - but I have the unique opportunity of being a mother to several different children - of that I am grateful and I can never be thankful enough for a moment of inspiration nearly 10 years ago - of the opportunity of giving myself something I really needed now – hope.
*Written 08 April 2009
As this Mothers Day comes and goes I am so proud and grateful for the examples of good mothers in my life.  But, maybe you could spend a minute on Sunday, and look around, maybe there is someone who is aching for a child – a kind word or hug – could help more than you’d ever know.

Here I Am…

Hello Readers.  I am still alive (thank goodness).  As you may or may not know, I am recovering (slowly) from surgery.  As much as I am healing physically, I am also trying to heal emotionally, as the surgery didn't go how we thought it would.  I will update more when I feel better (or when I can sit on a chair for long enough to type a post).  Please watch the video below – it puts into words how I feel and what I am dealing with.

Be back soon!

P.S. I couldn't be more blessed from the outpouring of support from my friends and family (mostly thousands of miles away).  And, just so you know, I have never been offended by anything any of these sweet people have said to me.

Here I Am…

Hello Readers.  I am still alive (thank goodness).  As you may or may not know, I am recovering (slowly) from surgery.  As much as I am healing physically, I am also trying to heal emotionally, as the surgery didn't go how we thought it would.  I will update more when I feel better (or when I can sit on a chair for long enough to type a post).  Please watch the video below – it puts into words how I feel and what I am dealing with.
Be back soon!

P.S. I couldn't be more blessed from the outpouring of support from my friends and family (mostly thousands of miles away).  And, just so you know, I have never been offended by anything any of these sweet people have said to me.

Blue Skies?

Well this weekend we were blessed with gorgeous blue skies and mild temperatures.  I have learned that any time the sun shines in England to – GO OUTSIDE and enjoy it because you never know when it will be back.  We did just that this weekend.  It happened to be sweet Gracie’s 3rd Birthday as well.  It is so strange to see these nieces and nephews grow up!  Because Gracie’s Mum and Dad aren't together any longer, we don't get to see her as much as we used to – so every time we see her it seems like her and her brother have grown so much!
      
This Georgia just “chillin” on the swing with me.  She loved wearing those glasses, but upon further inspection her mum and I decided they were quite strange – and I thought they were slightly reminiscent of Johnny Depp’s in Willy Wonka!
 
Anyway….

My Mother-in-Law has done a great job of making the back garden very child friendly.  They have so many toys and things to play with in the garden that a child couldn't ask for more – except…  they spent hardly any time in there at all!  Typical!

Chris entertained Madie.  She loves him more than anyone in the extended family.  She will go straight to him – all the time.

This is Madie.  She HATED walking on the grass and was quite pleased with herself when she made it to the concrete.  She is the youngest child in the family – which is strange because for nearly 5 years there has ALWAYS been a baby around.

My Mother-in-Law also provided some entertainment.  When she fell instead of Chris (or anyone) running to her aid, we laughed and Chris took a picture. 

Just look at that blue sky – not a cloud in sight! It is what the English would call “lush”.

And here is the Birthday girl…  How lucky am I?  To be surrounded by beautiful nieces and nephews and get to witness them growing up?  One of the blessings of still living in England!

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The Countdown Begins

Hello Friends…

Well, even though it has only been since November that I had my last surgery, I had completely forgotten how nervous I got beforehand.  I will be having my surgery next Tuesday and I am starting to get pretty nervous!

Next Monday I have to suffer through the unpleasantness that is “Bowel Prep” (I wont be sharing too many details about that!)  I have to be at the hospital by 7:30 – that is, if they have a bed.  I have to call an hour before hand to make sure there is a bed for me.  Chris got the day off (thanks to a co-worker who is going to work his shift for him that day).  He has the next day off too – and hey, lucky me I have a ride to the hospital!!  I made it quite clear to the nurse at the pre-op appointment that I got really sick after I woke up last time, so she is going to make sure that I get the meds to help that BEFORE the surgery, not an hour or so after.  Also, I have asked for some fluids in my IV after the surgery so I don't feel so dehydrated and get such a bad headache.  I am hoping these things coupled with prayers, blessings, good doctors, and SMALL incisions will have me sleeping safely in my own bed the night of my surgery.  Of course, I think I need to prepare that I  might have to stay the night – but I am trying to be positive! 

I am encouraged by the statistics I’ve found online for conceiving after the surgery.  Granted, they aren't TOO high, but they are much more positive than I was thinking when we got the dreaded letter at Christmas.

Since May 6th, 2007 we have been working with various doctors to “fix” me.  Thinking back I was so desperate to have answers.  When I finally got those answers they were not at all what I thought they would be, and they stirred up emotions that I wasn't prepared for. 

Some days I want to shout it out from the roof-tops, “I struggle with infertility!  Please be patient with me!!”  I want to explain to everyone why I avoid the “baby section” of the shops, why, at family parties, I “tune out” or walk away.  Why I cant watch a show with a baby born in it without shedding a few tears.  But, other times I just want to lay in bed and keep it to myself.  Often I have wondered what I did to deserve it?  Why things are so unfair!  But most days, I don't do either – I get up in my one-bedroom apartment and cope.  You’d be surprised at how many things you have to “cope” with when you are struggling.   I get reminders constantly that I don't have children, and at the end of the day it isn't so much what I am missing out on – but what Chris is, what my parents are, what my family is missing out on – and that is when I break down.  But, I keep going, and have for 3 years with the hope of a solution.  I realize that this surgery may not provide my broken body with a way to carry a child, but if it doesn't, then I continue to hope – and just keep going.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love, prayers, and support.  They buoy me up when I feel down and they help me realize that Chris and I aren't alone.

Easter in England

A lot of the time when I tell people that I live in England (or that I’m from America) they ask me what is the MOST different thing about living here.  I have to admit, when I first was planning on moving here I thought that very few things would be different.  I had visited before, but never lived here, and the things I did while on holiday didn't seem TOO much different than back home. 
BOY WAS I WRONG!
There are so many thing that are similar, but there are even more things that are different. 
Back home in Utah, I was very used to the Easter Bunny coming and visiting (on Saturday morning, we’d get our baskets so that on Sunday we could focus on the real meaning of Easter).  I was used to peeps, malted milk balls (that double as lipstick) and jelly beans.  Boy, was I surprised when on my first Easter in England, to begin with, I searched high and low for a basket – only to find one at the florist, extremely over priced, and just plain wicker – the day before Easter.
I found at the shops there were no Peeps or Jelly Beans or anything like that, but they did have….  CHOCOLATE EGGS.  No, not just little chocolate eggs, but hollow chocolate eggs that were as big as my hand – no, Chris’ hand! 
        
I am ashamed to admit, the first Easter we were here we went overboard and, I think, bought at least 4 for each of us (and I wonder where this extra weight came from).  Anyway…
Here in England, Easter isn't just a Sunday holiday, it is a four day holiday.
Good Friday:  Chris and I went to a multi-church open air service in the town square.  It was good, but after 30 minutes and only 2 songs into the service – we left.  Most of the shops are either closed or have “Bank Holiday” hours (10-4).
Saturday:  Funny enough, this is just a “regular” day.  There are no reduced hours – but I can say, with strong conviction – that if you go shopping for Easter eggs on this day, there will only be the very EXPENSIVE ones left.
Easter Sunday: Pretty much the same as it is in the states.  The church next door was packed all day long.
Bank Holiday Monday:  The stores are, once again, only run on reduced hours.  People don't have to work (mostly).  Families just spend time together (my extended family did DIY and cleaning out in the back garden).  Bank Holidays are notorious for rain and bad weather.
Some of the “traditional” foods at Easter are: Hot Cross Buns, Roast Lamb, and, of course, chocolate.
Hope you all had a lovely Easter and aren't suffering from chocolate overload TOO much, now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to TRY to work off some of about 10,000 chocolate calories.