Mourning

One of the things that make infertility so difficult and hard to “get over” is that unlike usual loss – an infertile couple can never completely mourn the loss of what they will never have – sometimes that is a child, sometimes it is a biological child, sometimes it is natural conception – there are so many different reasons we may mourn.

I have been reading books, blogs, emails, articles, etc. and all of them say, “take time to mourn.”

I have, oh how I’ve mourned – but usually not by outward, public tears.  In the quite moments of the night, in my husbands arms – I have cried.  But, I pride myself in “putting on a brave face” and when I am in public or talking to people, I smile, nod my head, and hesitantly agree with the common adage, “well there must be a reason.” 

But Sunday, I cried.  Sunday I mourned.

They weren't noticeable tears, and I have learned to get rid of them quickly if necessary.

Is this easy for me to admit?  No! 

I was in a church class, discussing Hannah (from the Old Testament).  Did you know Hannah was infertile for a long time?  Did you know that it troubled her so much that at times she stopped eating?  Did you know that her husbands other (fertile) wife would hurt her feelings about not having children?

Well… (keep in mind, this may seem quite silly to you), as we were closing the teacher asked what the parents out there would do if they had to give up a child.  Someone (who I am sure meant no offence) said jokingly, “depends on the day.”

I know that this will be a common occurrence in my infertile life – I do need to “get used to it” – but, it doesn't stop the pain or stop the mourning I was writing about earlier.  Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want people to “monitor” what they say around me and I know how hard dealing with children day in and day out can sometimes be – but it is all complaining and no appreciating?

In the best book I have read about infertility Infertility: Hope, Help, and Healing – by Kerstin Daynes, there is an appendix filled with valuable information for people who know someone who is struggling with infertility.  Some of the best advice she gives is, “There are many emotions that come with infertility: shock, anger, disappointment, personal failure, isolation, guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, envy, jealousy, and loss of privacy are just a few.  Be sensitive to each of these emotions.  One last thing:  Be a good parent yourself.  Recognize the truly magnificent gift you have – children.  Treat your children well. Teach them. Cherish them. 

Do I think that if I ever get to have children I wont complain about them? No, I am sure I will (after all I do love my sleep) – but I can promise you this much – that those complaints will be coupled with appreciation, and after everything I’ve been through, I might just have a look around and think twice.

**This post was not written to anyone in particular – just a vent.