Experiencing a Miracle

**Just a warning… this post might be long and sentimental – so if that isn't for you, just don’t read it and come back another day for my wallpapering post. **

If you would have asked me 9 months ago, drowning in the struggle of infertility, if I would be watching my niece be born – I would have just laughed.  But, about 7 months ago, in passing, I mentioned to my sister-in-law (Naomi) that I had always wondered what it would be like to see a baby be born and was trying to come to grips that I might not ever experience it for myself – she said that I could be in there when she had her baby.  I thought that would be the end of it, but just a few days ago I found myself sitting in the dimly lit delivery room waiting for Lilly to be born.

For the whole month of June I was on tenterhooks whenever the phone rang.  I made sure I had my mobile phone with me and charged up at all times and would go to sleep at night thinking…. “Is this the night??”  I have to admit as the time of Naomi’s due date drew closer and closer I started to doubt my decision to be in the room.  I didn’t know if experiencing this in my situation would make things better or worse.  But we planned throughout her pregnancy I would be there as a helper (if needed) but mostly a spectator – and comic relief if needed.  Weeks before the birth the reality of what I would be witnessing hit me at full force and I knew I couldn’t miss it – no matter what my situation.  I would get the rare experience of seeing the birth but instead of being the one in pain, or the spouse, I could watch, feel, and soak up the experience in a way that most people cant.

Friday night (July 1st) I got a call in the morning saying that Naomi was getting contractions 30 minutes apart and I should plan on it it happening today.  Naomi was nearly 5 days overdue and was ready to have the baby.  But, the day came and went and I didn’t get any other phone calls, so I figured that like a few other times during the week, that the contractions had died down and I would just need to wait. 

At 10:00 that night I got another call – her contractions were getting closer and although I didn’t need to worry right at that moment  - she thought it would be soon.  I tried to go to sleep, knowing that I would soon be getting the call to pick her and Mark up – but couldn’t sleep (could you!?!?).  Around 12:30 AM I got a phone call saying it was time to go to the hospital.  The contractions still weren't regular but they were coming more often and Naomi would just feel better knowing how far she was.

I was instructed (by Naomi) that Naomi didn’t want any fussing about so I tried to remain as calm as possible and drive safely to the hospital (about 40 minutes away).  We would be having a joke and a laugh and then she’d have a contraction and conversation would stop, she’d casually say “There was another one.” Calm as anything.  This wasn’t like the movies – she wasn’t screaming or writing in pain.  She was calm and collected.  We even stopped at the shop to top up her mobile phone.

We got to the hospital and everyone was surprisingly calm (I am sure me and Mark were the most nervous of everyone).  We went into the HOT delivery room and waited and waited.  After every contraction Naomi would say, “Wow that was strong,” and then continue on the conversation.  Finally the midwife came in and monitored Naomi for a few minutes and said, “You have three choices:  I can check you to see where you are, You can labour for a few hours here and then I’ll check you, or because your contractions aren't regular, you can go home for a few hours.”  Naomi said she would rather be checked and Mark and I went to the hallway while she was checked - hoping that we wouldn’t have to make the drive home and risk not making it back.  By now it was about 3:00.  I could tell the contractions were getting worse but still Naomi didn’t complain – just got on with it.  We walked back into the room and Naomi said she was a 7 (?!?!?) and we weren't going anywhere – thank goodness she had the midwife check! 

From there it was a bit of a whirlwind.  Naomi hadn't had any pain relief at all (NONE) and was getting understandably uncomfortable.  She didn’t want an epidural but decided she wanted something, so the midwife sauntered in and out of the room preparing an injection for pain relief.  At this point it was about 3:25.  The midwife gave Naomi the injection and Naomi said (through gritted teeth), “When will it start working?!?!?!?”  The midwife casually replied, “10-15 minutes”.    Then things got intense.  Naomi was in a lot of pain (but, I might add – not screaming or anything – she even apologized in-between contractions to Mark for being so whiney!).  She was bent over in pain by the side of the bed and kept saying, “I am finding it really hard not to push.”  So the midwife reluctantly walked over and checked, “I can see the head!” she exclaimed – putting a bit more pep in her step she barely had time to get everything in position before Naomi let out two screams and Lilly was here – caught by the midwife and passed up to her mummy.  Naomi pushed for 3 minutes and suddenly there were 5 people in the room.  Simply amazing.

Because I was on the sidelines I could appreciate that moment.  The moment when the veil parted and a spirit entered this world – that room.  I could have all the words in the world and never be able to describe that feeling.  This tiny baby’s spirit was face to face those that inhabit heaven and now she was here.  The feeling of the room instantly changed, the veil was very, very thin and that was a feeling that I never expected to have – but it overwhelmed me and still does whenever I think about it.

Once Naomi and Lilly were safely laying on the bed, the midwife asked Mark to cut the cord and he said no so I got to do it – without hesitation.  Then we all just sat there – looking at this perfect, beautiful baby.  Naomi was a superstar going through all of that without pain meds.  I have never admired anyone as much as I did Naomi in that moment.  It gave me an understanding that I would have never had about mothers and the sacrifice they make.

Then Naomi passed her miracle to me.  I got to hold Lilly and just couldn’t stop looking at her – in awe of her perfection.

I then passed her back to her mummy and Mark and I made phone calls to family.  I had been up for HOURS and HOURS but wasn’t tired at all.

The sun started to rise as we just sat and chatted (Naomi was a bit out of it at this point because those pain meds she asked for had started working).   Talking about all the things we now found funny that we couldn’t laugh at during the labour like, Naomi apologizing, my trying to undo her bra (we both couldn’t figure out how to unclasp the nursing bit), and a lot of other things that Naomi probably wouldn’t thank me for writing.  Naomi got up to have a shower and I just held that baby. 

Not only was I a witness to an amazing miracle – in those quite moments of holding this baby some of the parts of my heart that infertility had broken – they were healed.  Everyone told me that I would find healing, somehow somewhere, through this trial of infertility – and I have found it, although not complete healing (I don’t think I will ever mend all the pieces of my broken heart) but some healing. Every time I hold her and soak in her spirit – in a way that I never have before – I feel that healing again.  And suddenly the miracle in my infertility isn't my own baby – but the tender mercies and selflessness of a brother and sister-in-law – who let me take part in the most amazing experience in my life.  Words could never explain what they have given me by letting me be a part of their experience..

The past week and half have been filled with joy for me and Chris (and I’ll admit, a twinge of sadness at my loss – I am human).  We’ve gotten to spend so much time with not only Lilly, (who Chris keeps offering to buy off Naomi and Mark) but with Madie and Georgia.  I think I speak for me and Chris when I say that our relationship with our nieces make our infertility not hurt so much.  What a blessing.

Here are some pictures from the day and this past week or so (Did I mention that Naomi was home within 12 hours of giving birth?!? ):

A Thought About a Thought

I’ve always loved reading so much!  I remember as a child I loved books and as a teen I think I read every book in every series I could get my hands on (Babysitters Club!!!!).  I always thought that when I had children I would want to instil in them that same love.  Well… that second part isn't panning out like I had planned but luckily I have other little kids around that I can read with. 
When Chris bought the whole set of Roald Dahl books when we first got married I thought he was crazy.  Not crazy for buying the books, but crazy for buying THOSE books.  I mean, I had read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as a child but there were WAY more in the set than just that.  As time went by, the books just sat on the shelf.  The longer I lived here, the more I heard about how much the English just love Roald Dahl and ALL of his books. 
I decided that I would take them to the twins house whenever I was watching them and we’d read because the only other books they had there were: a. in German or b. books I'd read them 1,000’s of times before.
So we started with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the kids LOVED it (they were also reading it in school) and I found I loved it too (especially making all the different voices).  We often talked about the factory and did crafts along with what we’d read.  We painted our own interpretation of the factory with chocolate paint (water and cocoa powder), drew the characters, and one day even had “Nerds” from the American shop because – they were made by Wonka!
I was surprised at how fast we got through the book and decided the next book we’d read was called, The Twits.  It was about 90 pages long, so I figured we’d have that book for a few weeks.  Nope – one rainy day we sat down and me and the twins (they are 5 I might add) finished the book in one sitting!  It was great!!
I don't know why Americans do read more Roald Dahl, but the books are very fun!
I found this quote in the book that I loved!  Let me give you some background.  The Twits are a horrible, dirty, ugly, nasty couple.  Who hate everything – even children!  He has a long hairy beard that gets food stuck in it and he never cleans it and she is the most ugly person you’ll ever see!  And they love to play jokes on each other!!  Here is the quote about Mrs. Twit (and why she is the way she is!):

“But the funny thing is that Mrs Twit wasn't born ugly.  She’d had quite a nice face when she was young.  The ugliness had grown upon her year by year as she got older.  Why would that happen?  I’ll tell you why.

If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face.  And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until it gets so ugly you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly.  You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.

Roald Dahl – The Twits

Fathers Day Thoughts

Fathers Day is always a bittersweet time for me.  I am so lucky to have an amazing father, an amazing grandfather, and one amazing grandfather in heaven (who I was lucky enough to get to know).  All my life I have been surrounded by these strong men.  All of these men taught me the meaning of hard work, loyalty, spirituality, and unconditional love.  I am so lucky! So this Fathers Day I have a lot to be thankful for – such blessings, I have come to realize, are not given to everyone – and I realize how extremely rare and precious my association with these great men is.  My life would be hugely different if they were not in my life.

But, my heart also hurts on Fathers Day.  My mind is racked with guilt and sadness because there is another man in my life – who because of me, cannot be a Father.  That is a hard burden to carry.  It isn't like I think of it every day, but on occasions like this my deepest regret is that I cant make Chris a Father (or my dad a Grandpa).  This title is one that I know, I KNOW, Chris would excel at.  I watch him interact with children and I think how lucky I am to have someone that kind and gentle in my life. 

Now, just like Mothers Day – I know you don't have to give birth to a child to be a good, positive influence in his/her life.  Chris is the perfect example of that.  He loves his nieces and nephews like a Father, teaches like a Father, and cares like a Father.  Although, he doesn't officially have the title “Father” he lives up to it in so many ways.

So this Fathers Day I want to say to Chris, I’m sorry for not being able to give you children.  But, your strength and example in developing father-like qualities drives me to develop my mother-like qualities.  And although you might not officially be a Father – you love like one, and that is just as good, or maybe even better than just having the title.

I Moved… Part II

The Roman numeral looks a lot better than the “2” right?  Anyway, here I am again, and surprisingly here YOU are again for more of the tour… so without further ado ….

Kitchen:

The Kitchen is sooooooo much bigger than the other flat.  It still has no disposal or dishwasher (except me and Chris) but I enjoy the room.  It is quite outdated, but we actually have cupboards in this flat as well – bonus!!  Just a question – is is strange to have curtains in a kitchen??  Should I get something for the window besides the roller blind?

Our squatty fridge complete with collection of DIY things on top – hopefully when we re-do the Sitting Room we can get rid of this “feature” – not the fridge obviously – the collection….

The window  ledge.  Cookbooks (thanks Mom and Abbie), recipe cards, (the cups have gone now), and plants.

The Bathroom:

The Bathroom is a lot bigger as well.  They put in the 70’s bathtub – just for us (they hate us).  Chris came in the bedroom the other day and said, “Its amazing, after 5 years of marriage I FINALLY have my own shelf in the bathroom!!!”

P.S. Still no shower Boo!!

The Bedroom:

This room needs the most help – by far!  But, it is second on our list so it will have to be plain and boring for now.  Yes, that is a stuffed rabbit, and yes I brought it from America with me, and yes, occasionally it has a spot on my bed.  So what?  My life my business – right!?!?

The view from the bedroom window.  The pub across the street.  People think that because it is a small town that we live in, that it is nice and quiet – its not.  That road has constant traffic all day and on the weekends we have all the drunks walking home from the pubs and clubs and it is NOISY.  That is one downside to moving – at our other flat we were far away from the street we never heard anything.  It’s a bit different now and we are still trying to get used to it.

These are more flats on top and the local take away and fish and chip shop on the bottom.  Sometimes the smell can be lovely – but most the time the smell of the food – all the time, until 2:30 AM is quite sickening.  Oh well!!

The car park.

The Office:

My desk – quite busy I mist admit.  But, there is method in my mess.

Shared bookcase (by shared I mean Chris has a FEW books on here – the rest are mine.).  Also, remember when you were little and you saw adds in the magazines for Sea Monkeys and you asked your mom and she always said no??  No, just me??  Anyway, the other month we saw a kit at the shop for a reduced price and so I got them and now am raising my own tank of Sea Monkeys (but really, that is a whole other post).  Also yes, that is a teddy bear, but I have it here for a reason.  When we first viewed the flat we walked in this empty room and I immediately thought – Nursery!  I realize in my mind that devoting a whole room to a baby that might never be would be silly so the logical thing would be an office – and I love the office.  But, I keep the teddy bear in the room to remind me that miracles do happen and that, if God sees fit, this room might not always be an office.

The view down.  The office is on the same side as the bedroom so the view is pretty much the same.

Chris’ office desk area – empty compared to mine – well they do say opposites attract.

 

Well there you go – there is my new flat.  We really do love it.  There is a lot more room and Chris and I have even had to shout, “Where are you?!??!” Which never happened in the old flat.  I wish I had a magic wand and could have it all decorated to my taste but I am having to learn that, as an adult it takes time.  This is the last move until we move back to America (hopefully) so we want to make it as homey as possible.  I am going to be re-doing the Sitting Room within the month (oh yeah, I’ll take pictures).

Have a good weekend!!!

I Moved…

I moved last month.  It was a very quick decision.  We had been asking our landlord to move us to a 2 bedroom for years (that is not an exaggeration)  now – but because we didn’t have kids, they wouldn’t move us.  Luckily one day we got a phone call saying a 2 bedroom was available and so we jumped at the chance – even though that meant we had a weekend to move everything.  The best thing was that we moved from one of the apartment buildings to another on the complex so it wasn’t too complicated to move.  Even better, was we got some men from church to help us move.  It is amazing how many things 2 people can have in 5 years of marriage. 

Well this next series of posts is going to be a tour of the new flat.  I realize that this is going to be quite boring for most, but my mom has asked for pictures several times and her wish is my command (most the time!).  So today you get the…. Sitting Room (alright, try to contain your excitement!).

 

These are the French doors to the outside world (the curtains and carpet where here when we moved in.  They are nice, but not my style.).  This is one of the things we LOVED  when we viewed the  flat.  Upon studying this picture it also looks like something one might see while dying…. “head to the white light!!”

This is the sitting room.  We have soooooooooo much more room now.  The washing is drying (I couldn’t take it all down to take a picture, the sun shines so rarely we always take advantage.) 

The piano and my American magazines – when I find them over here its like I’ve won the lottery.  The blue on the wall was our first try at painting the room – it is horrible in person so this weekend we are going to try take two – with a light brown. 

 

The View Outside – these are all taken from the doors in the Sitting Room:

Those trees are lovely but in the spring the amount of things that flew through the open doors from the tree was quite annoying – I think Autumn might be worse!  But the shade is so nice in the warmer weather – so I shouldn’t complain (I will, but I shouldn’t).

The church car park.  It is a rare occasion when there are no cars there.  It makes for a good seat for weddings and awkward seats for funerals.  Funny story:  The first week we were here, I had the music BLASTING to give me motivation to do the unpacking and cleaning with the doors and windows open wide.  The song Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis came on and I was singing along.  I happened to look out the door and noticed that there was a funeral going on.  The hearse had just pulled up and there were a lot of people standing outside solemnly.  I decided that the music (especially that song) wasn’t appropriate for a funeral and promptly turned it off.  I am a bit more careful now.

The view looking right.  There is the Zebra crossing right there and that building is the town museum.  Open only 2 days a week and never busy!  I’ve never been there.  The metal gate is a favourite for the nieces and the twins that I babysit.  There are always fights over who gets to swing it open – it’s the simple things right?!?

This is the view looking left.  That is the alley way to the car park.  We are quite secluded here (only 4 have doors this side of the building).

The view looking down.  We are on the 2nd floor (if you are American) or the 1st (if you are English).  Just one of those things that make my life more complicated than necessary, like on the phone when I tell the delivery person that we are in a second floor flat, only to have Chris shout out FIRST!   Also a favourite spot for the kids to hang out of and give their parents regular, tiny heart attacks.  (Don’t worry they are safe!!)

The view straight across to the church.

 

All in all it is a lovely place.  We are working on decorating it, but it has given us so much more room.  There will be other posts this week  for the other rooms (I know, you can hardly wait).

I’ve Been Here…. Where Have YOU Been?

I finally gave in and updated my blog – don't be surprised, I am not blogging because I don't want too – because I DO, my fingers have been itching to get on here and write ‘til my hearts content.  But, lately I’ve been trying to be a bit of an adult and in being an adult, I’ve had to work on “priorities”.  These priorities include (but are not limited to…)

*  Primary President Issues (until, that is, the Branch dissolved which leads to a lot of other posts).

*  Moving – which explains my first month of absence from the blogging world.

*  University work!  Yes, instead of writing thousands of words via my blog, I have had to prioritise putting the effort into writing thousands of words for University.  Not only that but this Arts class has now clashed with my Photography class resulting in a crisis of time management (hence my second month of being absent from my blog).

But rest assured (for me mostly) that once this week is over (my essay is due Friday) I will be back – with a vengeance.  I have lots to share – cross country train trips, new friends and church family, new flat, new photos, and some new writing ideas – so don't give up on me – just let me be an adult for a little bit longer and then I’ll be write back to making my blog one of my “urgent priorities”.

Back Monday!!!

More To Life?

A month or so ago, I found out that a charity for infertility here in England was going to have an event for those living with involuntary childlessness – without thinking of any of the details I booked and paid for my space.

This last Saturday was the day.  Chris and I got got train tickets to London and planned on me going to the seminar and Chris finding something else to do while I was there (read: traveling around London on the Tube).

Before it started Chris and I went to the British Museum so I could have an up close and personal look at the Benin Bronzes – the subject of my latest 1500 word essay for University.  I was not disappointed!  It was quite amazing to see something like that in person (although I’ve been to the museum several times before, this was the first time I had STUDIED something there).

But the most important thing that happened that day was the More to Life seminar.  I am not very open on this blog about my struggles with infertility – not because I am embarrassed or ashamed, but because it is deeply personal and still extremely painful.

The whole seminar was about living your best, happiest life without children *gasp* is that possible!?!?

I must admit I was a bit hesitant and when I walked into the building and was greeted by several very kind women, I sat there on my own shocked by the realization that – I was there, I was at a seminar about living life without children, me, someone who everyone thought would have the most children, the nanny, I was there.  I looked around and saw women of all ages and races and had the thought, how lovely each of these women know exactly how I feel.

You see, I have a husband and family and friends who are incredibly supportive of me – but none of them REALLY know how I feel. 

They don't know the dread every time I hear a pregnancy announcement, they don't know how it feels to love nieces and nephews but sometimes cant be around them because it is too hard.  They don't know how I feel less of a woman because I cant give my husband the title father and my parents the title grandparents.  But these women did!!!  The speakers knew all  of these things, and by them acknowledging them made me feel more human and sane – because sometimes the thoughts that enter my head when it comes to my lack of children, make me feel like I am slightly crazy or excessive in my anger or sadness – but I’m not – I AM NORMAL!!!

Then the breakthrough of the day happened when I was given permission to find GOOD things about not having children, permission to change my thinking, permission to feel sad that I cant have children but also feel happy that I don't have to pay for them and loose sleep for them.   THIS WAS AMAZING!!!  All these years (and especially the last one) I was walking around thinking of all the things I didn't have because I didn't have children, but after Saturday I am slowly beginning to think of all the things I do have or CAN have because I DONT.

Does this mean my desire for having a child is gone? NO, absolutely not – but it does mean that I can heal, that I can eventually find happiness in my childlessness.

After the seminar I met up with Chris and we went to his old stomping ground in London and went for Chinese.  As we were sitting there waiting for our food, I saw a cute little family walk in – and I thought, “awwwww I wish I had kids.”  Then as I watched them struggle with the kids and have to take turns taking them to the toilet, my next thought was, “wow, that looks like hard work, I am glad it is just me and Chris.”  Guess what?  I didn't feel bad about thinking that either – and I think that is progress!

Thanks to More To Life, I have a different outlook on my childlessness and it is refreshing and surprising and hopeful!

Photo Friday

I thought maybe I’d start doing an entry on Friday just of random photo’s that I love, but don't really want to write a whole entry about the occasion for the photos – does that make sense?  Like, these photo’s today are from my Mother-in-Laws birthday party.  It just might bore you to tears if I recounted all the happenings of the night, so I will just share some pictures:

 

These kids are some of the absolute best things about my life here in England.