Still Here

Hello Internet… I am still here.
Some days (like today) I am not totally emotionally here – but I am “hanging in there”.
I think though, that I should give everyone a bit of an update of how I am doing and what has happened.  Part of the reason I haven't it because I am struggling with how much info to give on such a public forum – but I do realize people want to know – and maybe someone can be helped by what I am dealing with.

*  April 20th I went in for keyhole surgery to burn out some endometriosis (stage 5 – the worst).
*  They made an incision in my belly button (I HATE that fact) and one on the side of my stomach.
*  Because they were having problems keeping me breathing and because the Dr. cut a cyst and I started bleeding quite badly (loosing 1.5 litres of blood) they decided to do an open C-Section type cut.
*  They stopped the bleeding and decided to remove the left ovary and tube.  The managed to disconnect the bowel from the uterus and clear up most of the endo and put in a drain and close me up.
*  They also found that there was significant scaring and endo on my right tube – thus making me chances of naturally conceiving at about 0%.
*  I was in the hospital for 4 days.  They were HARD and very painful days.
*  When I got home I couldn't eat anything (really nauseous) and started to get an infection.  We called the on call doctor and he came to the house, checked me out, and gave me some antibiotics.
*  I continued to progress well.  I was very well taken care of from people in the Church (my Visiting Teacher is a Nurse).  Chris took very good care of me as well.
*  Three weeks into healing I was driving, attending church, cleaning, walking, etc. 
I consider myself so very, very blessed (despite the outcome).   One night in particular I was really worried about getting a blood clot (I have been wearing anti-embolism stockings for nearly 6 weeks now 24/7).  I just prayed that I could relax and rest.  I finally drifted off to sleep and the next morning when I woke up – I was so thankful – thankful that I had actually woken up, that I was feeling progressively better, and that nothing worse had happened to me in the surgery.
Now, to say that this whole thing has been easy would be a complete lie.  It was easy to push away the implications of the surgery when I was focused on recovery, when some days my goal was just to sit up for 30 minutes.  Now, that I am nearly fully recovered physically – I have found that emotionally I have a LONG way to go.
I am sure there will be more posts about infertility in the days and weeks to come. 
I must say, thank you – thank you to everyone who has reached out to me via cards, emails, Facebook, etc.  This whole thing has been so hard to go through so far away – and the lack of support on this end, from most (but not all), has been more than disappointing.  Your prayers, thoughts, and support have helped in ways that you will never know.  Thank you…. 

Mothers Day: Part 2

Sunday is the second Mothers Day that I get/have to celebrate.  England and America celebrate them on different days – if I were a mother I’d be quite pleased and make sure I celebrated BOTH, but since I am not a mother every Mothers Day is very hard for me.
I wrote about this on my babystepstobaby blog, and, after my surgery happened upon it quite by accident.  What a blessing it was to find it and read it!  I thought I would re-post it (since right now I don't think I could have such a positive attitude). 
                                * * * * *
When I was about 20 and attending Young Adults in my home ward, we were asked to put together the yearly Mothers Day program for Sacrament Meeting. I was asked to do a talk about mothers. Simple enough right? But it wasn't simple. During the weeks before my talk I couldn't shake a conference talk from mind by Sheri Dew called: Are We Not All Mothers? I felt drawn to give that talk because I felt a certain empathy for those women in the ward who were not mothers. Not understanding completely why I was compelled to base my talk on that, I followed my feelings and did base my talk on every woman being a mother and being called to help the children that surround her, whether her own or others. Little did I know at that point in my life, that nearly 10 years later I would be one of those women I had such an affinity for.

And now, how I struggle to remember the message I wanted to give to those women!
Luckily, I am surrounded (not figuratively but emotionally) by supportive women who remind me that I can strive to possess those qualities that mothers have.
As I look back at my adult life I can see how special opportunities have been put in my way to work on those qualities and, I have had the unique opportunity to be as close to being a mother as possible, without giving birth. There was wisdom in Gods plan of having me support a friend through adoption. There was wisdom in having friends who had babies first and me being able to support them and be someone they called on when they needed help. There was absolute wisdom in the answer of many prayers (not just mine) of my greatest opportunity to be a nanny for 5 beautiful children whom I loved as much as I could, and subsequently found an amazing friend through that experience, along with a lot of other inspiring people during that time.

I felt that when I left my nanny job, my next step would be having children of my own. Of course, that was what I thought - newly married with an ideal life ahead of me. Little did I know that my "ideal life" was not to be had.
Years went by and no baby came - somehow in my grieving for that dream I had forgotten that I had the ability to love like a mother. Up until just a few days ago, I forgot about that talk that I had felt so prompted to share. I was as good of an auntie as I could be to my gorgeous nieces and nephews but there was a huge amount of detaching myself from them, because they represented my failings as a woman and mother.

But then God provided me with some tender mercies that have struck my heart.

Spending time with my newest niece, Madie (*2 months old), and having her mom allow me to comfort her - and being able to sooth her, unlike some of the other mothers in the room, conference - and being told that if I was living a righteous life I had no reason to complain about trials,
and an amazing email from a special friend that comforted me in ways nothing else could - and helped me remember how I used to feel about children.

And finally today, my sister in law asked me to go with her to get her baby her vaccinations. She doesn't like to be in there when she gets the shots (usually her husband goes) and she asked me, someone who has no children, and trusted me enough with the baby to be the one to take her.
As I sat there with the small child on my lap, and as she got her shots and cried, but quieted down as soon as I cuddled her and held her in my arms - all those feeling came shooting back to me - I may never have children of my own - but I have the unique opportunity of being a mother to several different children - of that I am grateful and I can never be thankful enough for a moment of inspiration nearly 10 years ago - of the opportunity of giving myself something I really needed now – hope.
*Written 08 April 2009
As this Mothers Day comes and goes I am so proud and grateful for the examples of good mothers in my life.  But, maybe you could spend a minute on Sunday, and look around, maybe there is someone who is aching for a child – a kind word or hug – could help more than you’d ever know.

Here I Am…

Hello Readers.  I am still alive (thank goodness).  As you may or may not know, I am recovering (slowly) from surgery.  As much as I am healing physically, I am also trying to heal emotionally, as the surgery didn't go how we thought it would.  I will update more when I feel better (or when I can sit on a chair for long enough to type a post).  Please watch the video below – it puts into words how I feel and what I am dealing with.

Be back soon!

P.S. I couldn't be more blessed from the outpouring of support from my friends and family (mostly thousands of miles away).  And, just so you know, I have never been offended by anything any of these sweet people have said to me.

Here I Am…

Hello Readers.  I am still alive (thank goodness).  As you may or may not know, I am recovering (slowly) from surgery.  As much as I am healing physically, I am also trying to heal emotionally, as the surgery didn't go how we thought it would.  I will update more when I feel better (or when I can sit on a chair for long enough to type a post).  Please watch the video below – it puts into words how I feel and what I am dealing with.
Be back soon!

P.S. I couldn't be more blessed from the outpouring of support from my friends and family (mostly thousands of miles away).  And, just so you know, I have never been offended by anything any of these sweet people have said to me.

Blue Skies?

Well this weekend we were blessed with gorgeous blue skies and mild temperatures.  I have learned that any time the sun shines in England to – GO OUTSIDE and enjoy it because you never know when it will be back.  We did just that this weekend.  It happened to be sweet Gracie’s 3rd Birthday as well.  It is so strange to see these nieces and nephews grow up!  Because Gracie’s Mum and Dad aren't together any longer, we don't get to see her as much as we used to – so every time we see her it seems like her and her brother have grown so much!
      
This Georgia just “chillin” on the swing with me.  She loved wearing those glasses, but upon further inspection her mum and I decided they were quite strange – and I thought they were slightly reminiscent of Johnny Depp’s in Willy Wonka!
 
Anyway….

My Mother-in-Law has done a great job of making the back garden very child friendly.  They have so many toys and things to play with in the garden that a child couldn't ask for more – except…  they spent hardly any time in there at all!  Typical!

Chris entertained Madie.  She loves him more than anyone in the extended family.  She will go straight to him – all the time.

This is Madie.  She HATED walking on the grass and was quite pleased with herself when she made it to the concrete.  She is the youngest child in the family – which is strange because for nearly 5 years there has ALWAYS been a baby around.

My Mother-in-Law also provided some entertainment.  When she fell instead of Chris (or anyone) running to her aid, we laughed and Chris took a picture. 

Just look at that blue sky – not a cloud in sight! It is what the English would call “lush”.

And here is the Birthday girl…  How lucky am I?  To be surrounded by beautiful nieces and nephews and get to witness them growing up?  One of the blessings of still living in England!

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The Countdown Begins

Hello Friends…

Well, even though it has only been since November that I had my last surgery, I had completely forgotten how nervous I got beforehand.  I will be having my surgery next Tuesday and I am starting to get pretty nervous!

Next Monday I have to suffer through the unpleasantness that is “Bowel Prep” (I wont be sharing too many details about that!)  I have to be at the hospital by 7:30 – that is, if they have a bed.  I have to call an hour before hand to make sure there is a bed for me.  Chris got the day off (thanks to a co-worker who is going to work his shift for him that day).  He has the next day off too – and hey, lucky me I have a ride to the hospital!!  I made it quite clear to the nurse at the pre-op appointment that I got really sick after I woke up last time, so she is going to make sure that I get the meds to help that BEFORE the surgery, not an hour or so after.  Also, I have asked for some fluids in my IV after the surgery so I don't feel so dehydrated and get such a bad headache.  I am hoping these things coupled with prayers, blessings, good doctors, and SMALL incisions will have me sleeping safely in my own bed the night of my surgery.  Of course, I think I need to prepare that I  might have to stay the night – but I am trying to be positive! 

I am encouraged by the statistics I’ve found online for conceiving after the surgery.  Granted, they aren't TOO high, but they are much more positive than I was thinking when we got the dreaded letter at Christmas.

Since May 6th, 2007 we have been working with various doctors to “fix” me.  Thinking back I was so desperate to have answers.  When I finally got those answers they were not at all what I thought they would be, and they stirred up emotions that I wasn't prepared for. 

Some days I want to shout it out from the roof-tops, “I struggle with infertility!  Please be patient with me!!”  I want to explain to everyone why I avoid the “baby section” of the shops, why, at family parties, I “tune out” or walk away.  Why I cant watch a show with a baby born in it without shedding a few tears.  But, other times I just want to lay in bed and keep it to myself.  Often I have wondered what I did to deserve it?  Why things are so unfair!  But most days, I don't do either – I get up in my one-bedroom apartment and cope.  You’d be surprised at how many things you have to “cope” with when you are struggling.   I get reminders constantly that I don't have children, and at the end of the day it isn't so much what I am missing out on – but what Chris is, what my parents are, what my family is missing out on – and that is when I break down.  But, I keep going, and have for 3 years with the hope of a solution.  I realize that this surgery may not provide my broken body with a way to carry a child, but if it doesn't, then I continue to hope – and just keep going.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love, prayers, and support.  They buoy me up when I feel down and they help me realize that Chris and I aren't alone.

Easter in England

A lot of the time when I tell people that I live in England (or that I’m from America) they ask me what is the MOST different thing about living here.  I have to admit, when I first was planning on moving here I thought that very few things would be different.  I had visited before, but never lived here, and the things I did while on holiday didn't seem TOO much different than back home. 
BOY WAS I WRONG!
There are so many thing that are similar, but there are even more things that are different. 
Back home in Utah, I was very used to the Easter Bunny coming and visiting (on Saturday morning, we’d get our baskets so that on Sunday we could focus on the real meaning of Easter).  I was used to peeps, malted milk balls (that double as lipstick) and jelly beans.  Boy, was I surprised when on my first Easter in England, to begin with, I searched high and low for a basket – only to find one at the florist, extremely over priced, and just plain wicker – the day before Easter.
I found at the shops there were no Peeps or Jelly Beans or anything like that, but they did have….  CHOCOLATE EGGS.  No, not just little chocolate eggs, but hollow chocolate eggs that were as big as my hand – no, Chris’ hand! 
        
I am ashamed to admit, the first Easter we were here we went overboard and, I think, bought at least 4 for each of us (and I wonder where this extra weight came from).  Anyway…
Here in England, Easter isn't just a Sunday holiday, it is a four day holiday.
Good Friday:  Chris and I went to a multi-church open air service in the town square.  It was good, but after 30 minutes and only 2 songs into the service – we left.  Most of the shops are either closed or have “Bank Holiday” hours (10-4).
Saturday:  Funny enough, this is just a “regular” day.  There are no reduced hours – but I can say, with strong conviction – that if you go shopping for Easter eggs on this day, there will only be the very EXPENSIVE ones left.
Easter Sunday: Pretty much the same as it is in the states.  The church next door was packed all day long.
Bank Holiday Monday:  The stores are, once again, only run on reduced hours.  People don't have to work (mostly).  Families just spend time together (my extended family did DIY and cleaning out in the back garden).  Bank Holidays are notorious for rain and bad weather.
Some of the “traditional” foods at Easter are: Hot Cross Buns, Roast Lamb, and, of course, chocolate.
Hope you all had a lovely Easter and aren't suffering from chocolate overload TOO much, now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to TRY to work off some of about 10,000 chocolate calories.

Finally… a Date

Hello Lovely Friends! 

I just thought I would update on here that I finally have a date for my surgery.  They are going to do it on April 20th.

This surgery is to get rid of all the endometriosis that has spread through the womb, tubes, and bowels.  When I talked to the Dr. he said that they would try to go in as a lap (like they did before with 2 small incisions), but if the endo was too bad they would have to do “open surgery” and it would be as if I was having a C-Section.  I sure dont miss the irony in the fact that it will be like having a C-Section – I get the scar, just not the baby.

I am very nervous about it.  I will probably be in the hospital for a night at least.  I dread the hospital I am staying at.  It is dirty and dark and just pray that I will be safe (oh yeah, and that one of the very, VERY common “superbugs” that ALWAYS invade English hospitals skip this one on that day).

The other day we called Chris’ mom to see if she could take me to the hospital.  She said, she didn't know and that she would let me know later…  WHAT!??!?!  While I understand that she works, I also understand that she works right by the hospital at the same time I am supposed to be there.  What I don't understand is how she could even hesitate to take me when I am so far from home and it is such a major surgery (maybe I should remind her she might get another grandbaby out of this and if she is lucky one who is a boy so she’ll like it).  So Chris asked her the next day again and she said, yes she would take me as long as we went when SHE wanted to go.  I am trying to decide if it would be less hassle to just take the train.  I don't even dare ask her to bring me home – that might push her over the edge. 

The other day we were at her house and she was watching two of the grandkids (her choice by the way) and she walked past me and said, “KIDS who’d have them!!!” and walked away.  Things like that sting, and we only get it from family.  I had a sister in law who told me that, “J & P only spend time with you and are nice to you because they feel sorry for you.”  Who needs enemies!

And then, to top it all off, we found out Chris cant get any of the days that week off work.  They denied them all.  So I may just be having surgery by myself.  Getting the train there, having the surgery, and then the next day, getting the train back home.

Infertility is such a heartbreaking issue.  I read a sign on the wall of the doctors that said, “The only thing more painful then having a baby, is not having one.”  Chris is a huge support and so are my friends and family.  We skipped Mothers Day here in England and went away for the weekend – but just running away from it doesn't stop the pain. 

Hopefully this surgery will correct a lot of the issues that I have, and hopefully they wont have to remove any ovaries (they might if I start to bleed too much).

Any happy thoughts and prayers would go a very long way.

Hopefully I will update on here before I go in – and after reading this through, hopefully you can make sense out of the muddle!

Tender Mercies

I wont lie… this week has been rough.  After living here in England for nearly 4 years you’d think that I would have my homesickness conquered – but I don't… far from it.  When things are going “well” it is a lot easier to cope, but when things pile up (like they have this last week) it is almost more than I can handle at times.
Today, after an especially hard day, I decided that I needed to get out of the house.  I needed to exercise (instead of emotionally eat).  I went out with two objectives – find the signs of spring by doing something that I love (taking pictures) and also taking some deep breaths, “feeling”, and trying to find ways to improve my mood and my outlook on things. I guess that is more than two… anyway…
The second I walked out the door it started to rain (surprise, surprise – note sarcasm), but I had finally found the motivation and keep walking.  Breathing in the nice, fresh air and taking a lot of time to just… STOP and take in the view.
I am a very firm believer in God’s “Tender Mercies”.  I try my hardest when I am feeling down to find them in every day life. I find that it just re-affirms my belief in God looking out for me even though life is so hard sometimes.  Today didn't fail to disappoint (when looking for tender mercies – it never will).  I found a lot of signs of spring and even found beauty in the day.

“We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance”  Elder David A. Bednar "The Tender Mercies of the Lord."

Below are some of the pictures I took… maybe, you can find a “Tender Mercy” for yourself in one of them.  Enjoy!

“Pretty in Pink”                

One of my “Tender Mercies”    

Another “Tender Mercy”   

What A Shame

Here in England we are surrounded by history. Some of the houses, buildings, and streets that I see on a daily basis have been in existence before America was a country. It isn't uncommon to find ancient artefacts from the Saxon era around this area. Just last week they unearthed some artefacts from that era in a playground in Wisbech. It never ceases to amaze me.
Bill Bryson (a very funny writer – GO READ ONE OF HIS BOOKS!) said, in his book Notes From a Small Country, something like, “England has too much history for its own good.” (That isn't the EXACT quote – but the idea of it). I agree. Over here people will think nothing of putting some graffiti on a 400 year old house, kicking over headstones from the black plague, and….

(taken from the bbc.co.uk website)
What a shame. It is just a few minutes down the road from the main town here, and the fire is being treated as suspicious. Although, it is one of the churches in the area I HAVENT visited, Chris and I would always drive by and say, “We should go visit that church” – and now we cant. St. Mary’s Church was built in 1874 – and all that history gone. Not only is it sad for the many people displaced by the fire, but it is sad for everyone living nearby.
Here are some more pictures:
BBC's pictures of the Fire
And if you wanted to know more about this lovely, historic little town I live in:
March, CAMBS
And… If you wanted to read more about the church:
St. Mary's Church
Such a shame.